To be loved

As I lie next you and feel your arm wrapped around my waist, I smile, but then pause. For a brief moment, I remember a different time in my life. A time when I would lie awake next to someone just wishing they would love me. And they didn't. Furthermore, they made me believe that I was unlovable. Every now and again, he would accidentally put his arm around me or accidentally make some sort of intimate gesture in his sleep. I would freeze. Happy, not wanting the moment to end, I would rejoice in this show of affection, however unintentional. I would not want to move because then he might shift and the affection would be over. His arm would no longer be around me and I would no longer feel like I was loved. I would stare at him while he slept wishing for him to love me. And I stayed. Night after night. Lying next to someone who didn't love me and said and did mean things to me. I thought I was lucky to have it. Thought I was lucky anyone would allow me to sleep in their bed. That came from my own mind, but he reinforced it very well. He told me that no one would put up with me. That I wasn't attractive. That I was weird and broken. I protested, but I believed it was true, so I stayed. I waited for him to accidentally touch me in the night so I could feel, however brief, what it felt like to be loved.

And now, I have you. You love me unconditionally. My faults are the reasons you love me, not what you love me in spite of. You hold my hand in public. You kiss my forehead.  You wake up with me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares and are happy to comfort me. You've shown me that rubbing my feet isn't gross like I thought! You will put cream on any part of my body I can't reach, no matter how embarrassing it is. You would cuddle me all day and all night if we didn't have life obligations ;-) You love me. You. Love. Me. I can shift all I want in bed to get comfortable because I know as soon as I settle in, your arm is coming right around me. I know you love me. I feel loved. I know now that I was deserving this all along. I know now that I am loveable. I know now that I am not broken.