Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

Unsent Letter

In therapy, we learned that we could write letters (that we didn’t have to send) to people with whom we have unresolved issues. The letter should go;

Dear ___________,

1.) This is what happened   (ex: someone died)
2.) This is how it affected me…
3.) This is what I am thankful for… (like memories)
4.) This is how I’m going to continue my life (or if negative person, take my life back)

Sign it.

Here is my letter to one such person.

Dear Ronan,

You hurt me. You said you wanted to spend your life with me and have a child with me and then changed your mind a few days later. You blamed it on your relationship, yet when the relationship was over, you didn't come for me. You have been wishy-washy with me for years now and it hurts. When I found out about your NEW girlfriend, I cried. Not for very long, but I did cry.

You told me that we could try a relationship when yours with T--- was over; assuming I was single as well. I know I told you that if that happened, you would have to physically come get me. That was the boundary I set to protect myself – to ensure you were serious. 

Admittedly, it may seem like a tall order, but a.) it’s just a plane ride and b.) it’s for the woman you “love” and c.) it would lead to me making the bigger sacrifice of moving there. However, debating that is moot, because I don’t think you even considered it for one second. I don’t think I even entered your mind when your relationship with T--- ended despite the fact that we were emailing each other.

That’s speculation, though.

What actually happened was I needed to talk to you about something. I was going to write this letter to you and tell you about my treatment over the last two months and then I thought I could just talk to you about it. We are supposed to be friends, after all. I emailed you asking to talk and you emailed back that you didn’t “have time” because you were in a new relationship that you were quite focused on at the moment. Then typed, “What’s wrong?” Because I had said it was about me, not about me and you.

And you still “didn’t have time”. I emailed back and said I was surprised at your new relationship status given the last time we talked a.) you expected to be with T--- “two more years” b.) you didn’t consider me. I said I held no grudges because it was your life and you could do as your choose. We had made no commitments or set-in-stone plans. I told you the topic I wanted to discuss with you was my health, but that I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.  

You didn’t reply.

This has affected me by hurting my feelings. More so, though, by not being able to trust what romantic partners (or potential ones) say. Our first date you said you would “show me” how much your cared and I only half believed you, thinking I’d believe it when I see it. Well, then you did show me! My heart changed for the better and that was amazing. Then your wishy-washiness began.

But I’m not talking about 2003, I’m talking about 2014. The wishy-washiness from January to now. How one day we’re practically planning a wedding and the next we’re strangers? How do you think I will feel when someone does ask me to marry him? Do you think there will be doubt in my heart? Absolutely. When someone calls a few minutes later than they said they would, there is the fear that they are gone forever. 

But I want to reiterate the biggest thing this has done to me – made me doubt love. I can only hope that will change and if, God willing, a man does drop to his knee to ask for my hand in marriage, there will not be a doubt in my heart. Because right now, it is still there.

I am thankful for the good times we had. That spark I felt when I first saw you outside the phone booth and standing across the table from you. I hope I can feel that with someone again. 

I’m thankful for the memory of sitting in the Cottage playroom in the dark and looking at the Belfast night sky. 

I’m thankful that you remembered even more about that night than I had (when we talked in January). I’m thankful that you came back the next weekend (showing me you were for real) and bringing me flowers, a SIM card and cough drops. 

I’m thankful that you let me help you with your daughter, Emma, the first time spent the night with you.

I’m thankful for the long friendship we’ve had. The type of relationship where I feel I can share anything.

I’m thankful for the memories of what it felt like to touch your face and kiss you – make love to you. Of how after the first time, I cried because it was so emotional. 

I’m thankful that I shared my Northern Ireland experience with you. 

I’m also thankful for the experience of giggling under the sheets at the B&B when the staff came to the door. 

This is how I’m going to continue my life: I have a guarded heart, but despite everything it is still open (which I think shows how loving I am). I am actively looking for a LIFE PARTNER! I will judge him by his actions, not yours. I will let him love me completely so that when he does propose, there is no room for doubt in my heart because it is so full of love for and from him. I will look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. I will not try to understand your actions (past, present, or future). I will remember that I deserve 100% every day from my partner and accept nothing less.

Sincerely,

Sabrina

Souls

People wonder why I even give thought to certain people (ahem, Ronan) but the reason is best described in that picture. From the moment I met him, I felt a connection. When I speak to him, when I'm in his presence, I feel this bond that I can't explain. It doesn't really make any rational sense at all. The time I was in Northern Ireland was brief and we didn't spend all that much time together then, either. He lived a couple hours away and my work schedule was insane. Yet, there was just this... connection. I can't think of another word to describe it. And ten years later, I still feel it. 

I've been hearing this song on the radio and focusing on the lyrics, "I just want to know you better." 

Turns out, it's another Taylor Swift song (I didn't even know it was her, I swear!) 

The Blame is on Me

I have been playing Taylor Swift songs over and over tonight. That’s never a good sign. Especially when the songs are, “I knew you were trouble” and “We are never getting back together”.

But didn’t I just post, “We are never getting back together” about a month ago? Oh yeah. And wasn’t the title of that post, “Over it”.  Mmhmm. So then it’s not about the same guy, right?

Wrong.

Fuck.

This man has the innate, uncanny ability to repeatedly break my heart a.) without even trying and b.) while not even together. He once dumped me three times without us being together in between. What?

He’s just that hurtful, and I’m just that naïve.

I was talking today about how an ex-friend of mine stole money from me several years ago. She watched me put in my PIN at the ATM, stole my card and withdrew money. It took me less than a week to have figured it out, filed a police report and have her out of my life forever.

Why was it so easy to do with theft yet so hard to do with romance? What the hell is wrong with my romantic brain? Is this person going to have steal money from me in order for me to forget about them? Stealing is just universally understood as wrong, both morally and legally. The romantic shit can be explained away by smooth talkers and memories can change history and you think what happened must not have been all that bad. Or nostalgia just makes you ache for what used to be and you want it so bad, you believe that there really will be a chance when he and his girlfriend break up. Then maybe you can work through being in different countries. Then he offhandedly emails that he’s starting a new relationship and it’s like being punched in the gut because you thought you would be the next relationship. Sure, you weren’t waiting, you were busy having hookup sex and all that, but deep down, you thought you would get back together. That you were next in line, if you wanted to be. If YOU were willing to accept that. Then you hear that you didn’t even get a vote. You weren’t even considered. The idea that you would even think such a thing was nowhere on the radar to this person. This person, who just two months ago, talked about marrying you and having kids. This person, who tried to be rational and fair and saying that he couldn’t in good faith break off his relationship just because “the heart wants what the heart wants”. The one who told you that no one had ever loved him like you had loved him and he knew that if he didn’t take this opportunity to be with you, that he would never be loved like that again.

Then the opportunity came and he didn’t even think of you. Two months later.

It’s no wonder I cried.

Yet again. Ten years after I said it was over the first time. Five years after I said it was over again. Two months after I swore I was done. I was hurt again, by the same man. Did he steal something from me after all? Did I just leave it all out there for him to take? I left it out there, that’s for sure, but he didn’t even reach for it. 

Dizzy Mind

I stayed home from treatment today because the new medicine made me so dizzy I couldn't drive. I feel like a wuss for staying home for something so benign, but I couldn't see straight. It's one of those things where if nothing happens, people tell you that you were being silly, but if you get into an accident, "Why were you driving when you were that dizzy?"

Because of this, I missed the window of going to shop before the next snowstorm rolled in. Now I'm stuck inside dizziness or not. I wonder if treatment will be canceled tomorrow? I'm guessing the hospital will call me if it is. I hope they do. I would hate to trudge up there for nothing. I'm debating on whether I should take the new medicine again tonight. I'm thinking no.

I miss my friends. I haven't seen them so far this week.

I am feeling so sad. My eyes were leaking just because of dry eye, but now I'm crying. I forget why I was in my old email account and I was cleaning it out and suddenly I'm looking for old Ronan messages. Big fucking mistake. Thought I deleted those. Well, they were in the deleted folder, but still there. The mean things he said...horrible. Mind you, that was years ago, but he is incommunicado now. We were supposed to be friends. It hurts my feelings. But I can't even keep writing about this because this is such bullshit. I don't have a lot of time left on this Earth and I'm not going to spend it upset over someone who doesn't care about me. I'll have a strong day where I think I don't need bullshit and block people and numbers and then I'll wallow in self pity and masochistically read old shit that just hurts. Ain't nobody got time for that.

 I really think that PMDD is playing a part in this (super PMS). I think I'll take a Valium tonight. There is no reason for me to feel this way. I shouldn't even think of Ronan or let his decisions or words past or present affect me in any way. Not him, not Jonathan, not anyone. I shouldn't. But I do. Every fucking time. Jonathan, really? The same men over and over again. This is bullshit. Absolute and utter bullshit. I think I'm trying to build relationships, or that having people from my past is helpful because I can work through the issues from the past, but I think that is all just an excuse to keep myself from living my life to the fullest. It's the demon in my head that is depression keeping me from having the life I was meant to live. From having the life I want to live. It's that demon that continually tells me to accept less than I deserve. This depression demon tells me so many horrible things, that I won't even type them. I'm done, depression demon. In case you haven't noticed, I've made some progress. I may not be rid of you completely yet, but I'm working on it. I will tame the beast. I will be happy. I will make the rest of my life the best of my life and be happy, loved and loving. In the meantime, the battle in my heart and mind between where I want to be and where I am rages on, which leads to a dizzy mind.

Angel versus Bad boy

I was just tidying up the kitchen, thinking the random thoughts that run through my head and I had a total revelation. Okay, maybe not SO random thoughts. Since everyone now has a Facebook  someone that you haven't spoken with in say, twenty years, pops up and you may be intrigued. In this case, I was terrified. I quickly blocked the person, all of their family, changed my screen name and went into full on ninja mode. This is the person who raped me all those years ago. I haven't had any contact with him since the actual attack. Now, this wasn't just a random stranger whose history I didn't know. This was a friend. An ex-boyfriend to be precise. He was a bad boy and I was his angel.

Instead of starting at where we met, I'll fast forward to the day of the attack. I had been volunteering for the Humane Society (angel) and then started cataloging the songs on my radio recorded cassette tapes (nerd), when my friend from across the alley called me to see if I wanted to hang out. I asked who all would be there and she said her stepbrother, Cliff and his friend, bad boy. I declined, because I didn't want to be in close proximity with bad boy. Since our relationship had ended, he had taken the bad boy-ness up a notch or two. All the way to the big house. If I recall correctly, we hung up, I went back to cataloging my cassettes and she called again later. She was going bowling. I believe there may have been a guilt trip involved somehow. Maybe she didn't want to be with bad boy alone? Maybe she said I was overreacting about avoiding bad boy (more likely). I don't know. Either way, I give in and go to the bowling alley. Bad boy is there on a pay phone (archaic). I decide to get this shit out of the way ASAP and walk right up to him. I stop short and he is surprised to see me. I've got walls up as high and as strong as Fort Knox and he senses it.

Fast forward again, because frankly, I don't remember a lot, or actually anything else about the bowling alley. Somehow we are alone on a walk and I am asking him point blank about jail and his court case and what he did and if he did drugs and I think I am just so hard core because I'm showing him I know what he's about and I'm not falling for his shit. He seems beguiled, maybe. He tells me about it and then things start to turn. I should note here, that since this time, I've checked the court records and it was only two days prior (as in what would have been, "the day before yesterday") that he was in court. Here's where the angel part comes in again.

He says he has changed his ways. This experience (jail) has shown him the error of his ways. He no longer does drugs. He doesn't live a life of crime anymore. He is good now. He is worthy of me now, his angel.

My saviour mode goes into overdrive and now I want to help make him an angel, too. And not in the way I had tried before by ripping up his cigarettes. In a much, much bigger way. This wasn't about stopping smoking, this was about a changed soul.

I had fallen in the trap.

To be continued...