New Year

New year, new insurance, new doctor.
Today I met a new doctor. I have new insurance as of the first of the year, and that meant switching doctors, since my old doc doesn't take this new insurance (hardly anyone does). This new dr. is awesome. He spent so much time with me and answered all of my questions and made the necessary referrals.

My new semester is going okay. I thought it would be soooo much easier since I don't have to student teach, but there is a lot of work in my classes this semester and it is just piling up on me. As soon as I finish one thing, the next two or three are due. No one ever said getting a master's degree was easy. And I will appreciate graduation come May even more.

No new men this year. I've actually been chaste in 2015. It is a new year, indeed.

There is a winter storm warning in effect tonight, so I must be off to the grocery store to buy my bread and milk, because that's just what we do around these parts when it snows. Some habits remain in the new year.

Transference

So I met this guy that reminded me of Ronan. I didn't realize it at first, but now I do. His name is even similar - Landon. He's the same height, build, facial shape, no facial hair, hair color. I went on a date with him and was absolutely smitten. I went on a second date and slept with him. Dumb, dumb move.

Long story short, he's not texting me back and I feel like I just got my heart ripped out again by the Irish Ronan. This feeling, for a man I've met twice. Transference is not a good thing, people! Me transferring my feelings for Ronan to this new dude seemed like a good idea at the time, I don't know. What a way to get over someone, right? Find someone just like them! Good plan. That was not my plan by the way, but apparently it was somewhere in my subconscious.

Aside from the fact that your feelings aren't really for them or it's really not fair to the replacement person, it can hurt you even more as well. Who knew?!

So please consider this a public service announcement. Transference is bad, bad news. Don't do it.

You may resume your regularly scheduled program.

Starry Night

I recently got to experience one of those things off my “bucket list”.  I have always wanted to lie down underneath the stars at night with a guy. The problem is that I live in the city, can’t see stars, and never found someone willing to just look at stars.

I met someone on eharmony who I had begun texting as well. I came across this picture on facebook with a pickup truck bed filled with blankets and pillows saying, “Is it just me, or is this the best date ever?” Star guy, as we’ll call him, has a pickup truck and when we started talking about dates, I brought up that picture. He lives in the country and he was totally up for it. I was excited!

Okay, now maybe not many women would be excited about just looking at stars out in the country, but it’s a novelty for this city girl. I should also note that by this time starry guy and I were facebook friends, and had talked and texted a great deal, so I felt safe. (I always tell someone exactly where I’m going when I meet someone, though.)

Back to the night – He lives on a lake, so we ate by the water while the sun was still up. It was so serene. When the sun started to go down, we walked across the road to an open field. He pointed out a couple of deer that were not too far away from us. Nature! I was getting a little bit nervous about the nature aspect of it all at this point, but determined not to show it. I hadn’t considered deer, raccoons, possums, whatever else there is outside, when I came up with this fantasy idea. Turns out we weren’t going to be in the truck, but he brought out an air mattress. I was thinking, “yay, this is way more comfortable”, but when he mentioned me being “city-fied” I said I didn’t really need it, we could lie with just blankets on the ground. He asked if I was sure, and I wasn’t. We went with the air mattress.

When we finally laid down and I looked up at the sky, I was in awe. It wasn’t night yet, but I could see the clouds moving, feel the air on my face and cuddle with the man next to me. Have I mentioned that I like to cuddle? He pointed out a bat flying overhead and I got a little nervous again. Nature!

Before our eyes, the sun slowly, slowly disappeared and the sky became dark. Stars began to appear. First just a few, and then they were everywhere. It was so surreal. It felt like they were so close that I could reach up and touch them. It was so overwhelming, it felt like I was in a room with the ceiling painted black with white specks painted on it. I could see nothing else. The weather was perfect. The kind that makes you not even realize there is weather. Other than the occasional breeze, I could hardly tell I was outside. I was in awe.

Talk about an aphrodisiac. Let’s just say I crossed off a few more bucket list items that night. It was the most romantic night of my life thus far. All I needed was a good man and some country stars. 

Jason weightlifting

I found this post online.
I also found video of him lifting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cz8NkGjvlQ4

The following is a sad note from Jim Kelly. I often gave Jason a lift to the gym and he was one of the 'regulars' at Newtownabbey: 

Dear Friends, 

It is with regret that I inform you all of the death of one of our members from the Newtownabbey Weightlifting Club- Jason Tracey who died on Saturday morning 7th February at home in London. Cause unknown as yet. Funeral arrangements to follow. 

Jason was there at the inception of our Club in 1997 when he was into his bodybuilding, but we eventually coaxed him into the lifting game. He lifted for a couple of years around 2003 making good progress before he departed for a job in London. He was back in Northern Ireland over a week ago- training along with his Newtownabbey and St Gabriel’s colleagues. He was looking in good shape and was intent on making a comeback in the Master’s. 

Jason was 35 years of age and lived with his fiancée Donna and her daughter Ria to whom we convey our deepest sympathies and to the family circle. He will be sadly missed by us all- a real character. Enclosed is a photo of him lifting in the Ulster Open Championships 2003 in Ballyclare High School. 

Jim Kelly (Secretary N’Abbey W/L Club) 

I am very sorry to hear of the death of Jason Tracey. Jason attended our National squad session a few years ago in Limerick. I met him again last year at a competition in Ballyclare when he was home on a trip from London. He was a very nice guy. On behalf of the Irish Amateur Weightlifting Association may I extend our deepest condolences.

http://weightlifting.informe.com/jason-tracey-dt580.html

And more tributes
http://classifieds.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/advert/northern-ireland/family-notices/death-notices/205398/Tracey-Jason-Stanley-Death

http://www.weightliftingni.co.uk/News/Jason%20Tracey.html

Jason is gone

I just found out today that Jason died. Jason was my boyfriend in Belfast, and my first friend when I moved there. After we broke up, we remained friends for a few years, even after I moved back to the USA. I am in shock, not just because he is gone, but also because it happened five years ago and I just found out about it. All those times I wondered what he was doing or even why he didn't respond to an email (omg) and he was already gone. I don't know how he died, the obituary just says he died "suddenly". He had epilepsy, so I wonder if that had any role in his passing.

This morning when I found out, I literally didn't believe it. As in I thought it was lie. Despite seeing proof in black and white on the screen, I could not grasp the concept. The first thing that came to my mind is when I asked my psychic friend (RIP) how Jason was, he said he was happily living in Canada. This was after he was already gone. So I thought, how could my friend have been wrong? I know a lot of people don't believe in psychics, but this wasn't just a run of the mill psychic hotline kind of person, this was a trusted friend.

Anyway, all that time I pictured him living life and he was already gone.

I had a major assignment due today, so I didn't have time to grieve. I wanted to take a Valium and go back to bed, but I couldn't. I told myself I had to go forward, despite the numb, tingly feeling all over my body. Despite the fog that enveloped my brain that made it difficult to think of anything else beside the man I once loved. I had to move forward. I had to complete the task of the day, go to the museum, take pictures, finish my class project for my masters degree.

When we met he had just started his masters degree. He worried that I would want more time from him than he could give. I explained that I understood. That seems so poignant now.

The memory that sticks with me the most is lying in bed in his shared house in Belfast, listening to the Tracy Chapman greatest hits CD over and over again. I would still, all these years later get teary eyed when I heard this song:

I want to make the perfect post to honor him on this blog, since he was one of the first people I ever blogged about. I even remember him saying, "don't put this on your blog" with a smile, when he had our first 'discussion' (which was about his not having time because of school). But right now, I can't. I'm too numb, tingly, foggy. I can't believe the man I used to love now ceases to exist in this world. I pray that you are resting in peace, Jason. I will never forget you..

http://sabrinigreen.blogspot.com/2003/12/promise-tracy-chapman-if-you-wait-for.html

THE PROMISE, Tracy Chapman 

If you wait for me 
then I'll come for you 
Although I've traveled far 
I always hold a place for you in my heart 


If you think of me 
If you miss me once in awhile 
Then I'll return to you 
I'll return and fill that space in your heart 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
If you'll be waiting 


If you dream of me 
L like I dream of you 
In a place that's warm and dark 
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
If you'll be waiting 


I've longed for you 
A and I have desired 
To see your face your smile 
To be with you wherever you are 


Remembering 
Your touch 
Your kiss 
Your warm embrace 
I'll find my way back to you 
Please say you'll be waiting 


Together again 
It would feel so good to be 
In your arms 
Where all my journeys end 
If you can make a promise 
If it's one that you can keep 
I vow to come for you 
If you wait for me 


And say you'll hold 
A place for me 
In your heart.

Some Jason entries

September 14, 2003

So, I finally got to see Belfast today.  I took a double decker bus tour and walked around for just a little bit.  I met Jay last night, my first Northern Irish friend.  Well, I met him for the first time in real life last night.  He'll probably kick my butt for mentioning him, but he probably won't read this, so oh well.  Anyhow, we've talked like every day since I've arrived and my roommate said we were like "best friends".  I had just hoped that we got on as well in person, and we did (do).  So that's good.

http://sabrinigreen.blogspot.com/2003/10/jason-weightlifting.html

Crossing Oceans (Literally)

Class Last Week in Pictures

Spot for my lunch break on Saturday. Love fountains

Social Studies Activity Idea, make the state out of yarn, label the cities and rivers (rivers go in blue yarn)

Vanilla Wafer hamburgers. Show assembly line process. Vanilla wafers are the buns, chocolate squares the burger, dyed coconut is the lettuce, red dyed frosting is the ketchup and yellow dyed frosting is the mustard. The introduction was that Henry Ford created the assembly line and brought down the time to assemble a car from 12 hrs to 93 minutes. One group made hamburgers assembly style, the other, artisan style (one at a time). Who could make 17 the fastest? 

My parking spot one day. Finding beauty all around. 

Close up of the fountain. I was lying on the edge during lunch.

Ronan (not Abilify) turned me into a slut

Not Ronan, per se, but my reaction to his deciding not to be with me, yet again, this past January. I had thought it was my new medicine just increasing my sexual desire, but turns out that is not a side effect. After talking to my therapist about it (after my latest one night stand) I finally concluded that this all started after Ronan dissed me.

Now Ronan has dissed me before, don't get me wrong. That didn't lead to me sleeping with a bunch of people. But this time was different. This time, I was already vulnerable, having lost my job, living in a new city, having health problems, then losing school and the teaching program. I felt like I had lost everything I had moved to this city for. Well, in essence, I had. But that wasn't even the kicker. The kicker was that Ronan wanted to be with me AFTER his current relationship ended. I was his second choice. It was also that I was too far away. To me read: I'm not worth the travel/trouble. He didn't want to be responsible for me and/or a child if I did come over on a visa. Read: I'm not worth it.

All that was even fine and dandy. I didn't turn into a slut just yet. After that we were still supposed to be friends. As a friend, I emailed him and told him to call me, that I needed to talk to him and it wasn't about him and me, it was just about me. He emailed me back and said that he didn't have time to call me because he was busy with his NEW GIRLFRIEND! Yes, the fact that he had ended the other relationship and not considered me hurt. Yes, the thought of him with someone else hurt. But what really chapped my ass was that he knew I was having health issues and I reach out to him saying I need to talk to him about it and he DOESN'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME FOR A PHONE CONVERSATION????? Read: I'm not worth it.

Enter slutdom. I had my first affair pre-new girlfriend, but post initial diss. That was a brief affair and seemed to make me feel good enough about myself. I think I even had another brief affair pre-new gf. But post new gf, it was on like Donkey Kong in my vagina. What I hoped to gain from these trysts, I don't know. I just thought I wanted sex and that was that. Well, my friends, that is never just that. All behavior has a purpose. My purpose was to get the stench of the rejection out of my head. Because this wasn't just about Ronan, this was about me feeling not worthy. The rejection was about everyone rejecting me. But when I hooked up with someone, that person wasn't rejecting me. It was another step farther away from the scene of being curled up on the floor bawling, yet again, from the same man. I wanted to take as many steps as possible away from that scene; from that feeling; from the woman I was then.

Summer 2014

I'm working at a small Christian school this summer. I have interesting tasks like making labels for the 39 books of the Old Testament, making Salvation Precious Moments coloring books and creating Happy Birthday Jesus coloring books. It's good and it seems to go nicely with my church going, women's group and Bible study.

I'm also going to school full time continuing my Masters degree. I leave school and book it to work, eating lunch while driving. Only one more week of that, though and then my classes are only on Saturdays.

Part of the course is spending time in an elementary school classroom. I am working with first graders. It is an ENL summer school. Very interesting. I spend an hour and a half a day there.

The daily homework is what is getting to me about this class. Every single night I'm reading and typing to turn something in. That's what makes an advanced degree though, n'est-ce pas?

And now it is bedtime for this Bonzo. Have to rest up to do it all again tomorrow.

Race Weekend and Pink Eye

I have pink eye. In both of my eyes. Kids are so germy. Contrary to what I previously thought, pink eye does not just turn your eye pink. Who'd have thought? It swells and oozes and all kinds of fun stuff. :/ I went to the Med Express and they took care of me and gave me some drops. I started with just one eye and they warned me the other eye would get it, too and to start drops when it started up.

And it was Race Weekend, which is what Memorial Day weekend is called in Indianapolis, due to the Indianapolis 500 race. I saw all kinds of fun pictures on facebook of people at the race, selling things at the race, playing race bingo, and even one friend driving on the track for Camaro day. *Sigh* I can't really complain because I didn't have any plans to go to the race or even do anything this weekend, so my heart wasn't terribly broken. I was actually happy I got this contagious thing over the long weekend so I didn't have to miss any work. I know, crazy, huh? I can't afford to miss any days right now, so it worked out.

The thing that did sting a little was the pool. My apartment complex's pools opened this weekend and I couldn't go. I looked longingly as I drove by from the pharmacist...all the people splashing around and lying in the sun. *Sigh* again. It's okay, next weekend. Or maybe some day this week. I have to get in my Vitamin D, after all ;-)

Since I have the yuckies, I've been inside most of the weekend. I was barely productive. I did a couple of loads of laundry, started my homework reading and found the textbook I need online. I made food for myself when I was hungry and that's about the size of it. I did a whole lot of sleeping.

Oh, and I signed up for a new dating site. Yep. Dating is becoming like a second job for me these days. I am bound and determined to find "the one".  I am so going to stop thinking that Ronan was "the one" and move full speed ahead. Or I'm at least going to fake it until I make it.

But the more I think about Ronan, the more pissy I get. Clearly not thinking of, much less in love with me, so this girl right here needs to get the f over it. And I'm trying, I'm doing my thang.

Fall in Love

Don't Let Him

Another delayed reaction…or PMS

Today I went to interview for another substitute teacher position. I saw two people from my ‘old’ teaching program. They were very nice, and I was happy to see them, but I nearly wept at my current position. Starting over, to sub.

On the drive home, the urge to cry remained and I was now angry. Angry at the principal. Angry at the corporation that still hasn’t given me my vacation pay. Angry at Ronan. Where the hell did that come from? But yes, angry at him. Angry about gaining TEN POUNDS despite working out three to four times a week for an hour at a time. Angry that the school that wants me full time doesn’t want to pay the full time rates. Angry that they still had the nerve to call me about it. Angry at my friend who is so judgmental towards me. Angry that my job pays so little. Just angry. 

Whew. That's a lot of anger. 

I feel better now that I got that out. I also talked to a friend on the phone who almost made me angry with comments, but I brushed them off and we ended up laughing, so that's good.

I guess I have SOME coping skills. 

Angry Thoughts

NSFW

How is it that I had sex today and I am still in a crabby mood? Why do I have a headache now? I think there are some angry thoughts in my head that I didn’t realize I was thinking and it’s about time I let out those mofos.

First of all, Irish boy, you are a fucking coward. You wouldn’t do anything towards being with me that required you to either get out of bed or get out of your computer chair.

Secondly, Businessman, you are so afraid of commitment that you can’t commit to a one hour block of time for the next day (less than 12 hours away).

Thirdly, Marine and Air Force dudes, just because we had sex twice doesn’t mean I am going to suddenly think we are having a relationship. There’s no need to drop off the face of the planet. I remember reading an article in Cosmo years ago called, “The third date hesitate”. It was talking about how dudes think the third date symbolizes making a commitment and taking the next step in a relationship. Apparently they think that about third time sex, too.

Fourthly, guy I fucked today who shall remain nameless. I had your dick in my mouth today, I think I deserve a little more than a two word email.

I don’t expect a romantic relationship but I expect some common courtesy. Some bit of formality, I guess. Maybe just a touch of politeness?

This is getting old.

I do want a romantic relationship. Not with these dudes. But with someone. I thought finding a fuck buddy in the meantime would be easy peasy and a way to fulfill my sexual desires while I took my time finding Mr. Right. It is instead making me angry. It’s making me a bit bitter towards men and reinforcing this belief I have somewhere in my mind, or that I’ve heard a million times, that they’re all the same. That they want one thing. That when they get that thing from you (two times apparently is the norm) then they want nothing else to do with you. A switch goes off in their brain that says, “Conquered. Move on.” I am just glad that I was not actually dating these guys and thinking that there was the possibility of anything happening. Had I not just been specifically looking for sex and went out on dates and it was dudes just looking to get laid and I gave it up, I’d be crushed.

What I’m annoyed with mostly is the lack of commitment. The only thing we agreed upon was to have sex regularly. That’s it. I wouldn’t have wasted my time and “number” on you if I knew you were going to disappear after two times. I just wanted one dude to fuck on a weekly basis. Then you can send me a two word email or no email, I don’t care. I’m just on edge because I can’t even find a dude to commit to fuck. How in the hell am I supposed to find a boyfriend, or dare I say, a husband?

Yes, looking in the wrong places, etc, I can hear it now. Is it the voices of others I hear or the  voice somewhere deep inside of me and that’s why I’m really angry? 

Being an adult is exhausting

They are filling up the pool in my apartment complex. Yay! Never mind that it just snowed two days ago, I am fricking excited. I love playing in the pool. I didn’t get to play much this last summer because I moved in not long before Labor Day and I worked so much and had class. This summer I want to be different. I want to get my vitamin D from the sun instead of a pill. I want to relax floating in chlorine rather than Epsom salt. I don’t want to work, I want to play.

I have been back to my tired ways lately and I suspected the sleep machine might have something to do with it. I had woken myself up snoring even while wearing the mask. This was new. I tried different sizes of masks, adjusting it different ways, and still daytime fatigue was very much there. I called my sleep dr to ask for a sleep test. I have to see her first, which isn’t until next week. I pressed further asking what I could do in the meantime because it was clear my apnea was not under control. The assistant suggested calling the medical supply company.

Today I call the medical supply company. I finally get hold of a real person who says another real person will call me back. I talk to this person about ten minutes and she finally tells me that according to their records from my machine (data goes in via a modem) everything looks fine. She keeps repeating this and I keep pushing back.  Finally, I ask what the pressure is and she says 12. I said I thought it was supposed to be 11-14 adjusting? She double checks (annoyed) and sees that my prescription says my pressure should be 14. Somehow my machine got set to 12. She quickly apologizes saying she doesn’t know how that happened, but it got changed via the modem. It will be fixed by midnight tonight.

If I wouldn’t have pressed my sleep dr’s assistant for what to do, I wouldn’t have been told to call the medical supply company. If I wouldn’t have pressed the company for my pressure, I wouldn’t have gotten it fixed. I almost didn’t even get to talk to my sleep dr’s assistant because the front desk transferred me to the business office because they had my bill as unpaid. For some reason, they said insurance said I wasn’t covered and blah blah blah, after I INSISTED that I was covered and they finally agreed to double check, they saw that I was and I got the privilege of scheduling an appointment. Mind you, this was talking to various people over two days.

It’s exhausting to type, much less go through day in and day out. That’s why I can’t wait to relax pool side. Preferably with a frozen cocktail in my hand served to me by a hot cabana boy.

But just the pool is fine, too.

Minimization

Therapy depressed me today. The therapist pointed out my use of minimization. I try to make things seem like they're really not that bad. Like being raped at 16 and attacked again at 18 wasn't that big of a deal. That (at least the 16 year old attack) was a blessing in disguise because it changed my personality to be more empathetic and loving. That it kept me out of a volatile relationship.

I thought it was just trying to see the silver lining. Apparently, it's a thing called minimization, where you minimize trauma so that you don't have to deal with it. You think, "It wasn't really that bad." And push it down.

I actually nearly cried today in one on one therapy, which is something I haven't done with this therapist yet. I asked if it was okay or healthy for me to cry when I got home and he said absolutely. Not to deny myself my feelings. I always feel like crying is a bad thing. I get that from my family. But also because crying spells is a symptom of depression. So I talk myself out of it and try to see the good. Try to see that it wasn't so bad. It could have been worse.

Optimist?

No. Minimalist.

Pole Dancing

I tried pole dancing. Twice. My arms hurt.

Pole dancing is offered as a fitness class. It will definitely get the heart rate pumping and not for the reasons you think. It is difficult. I couldn't get my feet off the ground. I was too scared. Kind of how I am in the pool. My feet must be able to touch the ground. But in the pool, I've gotten to the point where I can bring them off the ground...as long as I know I can get them there if need be. Is that a metaphor for my life?

But I digress.

I had fun for the most part, but during the second class I almost started crying because I couldn't do what they were describing. I felt very defeated. I felt like my body was letting me down. I even felt a bit worthless, useless, hopeless.

All because I couldn't pole dance. How is that for irony?

Such a perfect example of negative thinking and how it can grab hold of your brain and derail your emotions. Luckily, this time, it only lasted a few minutes and then I was able to be more objective about the situation.
1.) So what if I can't pole dance. It's not a necessary life skill.
2.) So what if my body isn't built to make pole dancing easy. It probably wouldn't be easy for me if I was thinner, either. Also, I'm here to work on my body.
3.) It's okay to not be able to do or enjoy everything. I love my hip hop dancing way more.
4.) I had the cajones to try it and that is awesome.
5.) I did get a work out.

I've often seen pole dancing  on groupon and living social deals and thought about it. Now I've done it. Check that one off the list. And as I found out that evening at a meetup event, it makes for a great story.

Regret

This is the face of regret. 

Out of the frying pan...

“Why am I even considering this?” I said aloud as I lie in bed with my face in hands. A headache turning into a migraine behind my eyes.

Teaching. Special Ed. Emotional handicap. Middle schoolers. Boys.

No wonder my head hurts.

Today I had a sub assignment at a middle/high school. I knew it was a special ed assignment, that’s the reason I took it. I wanted to see how special ed was done at other schools. Were the classes smaller? Was there an aide? Were the demands on teachers too high?

Yes. Yes. No. (At least from what I could tell)

Despite being an EH class, the day was one of my easiest ones as a teacher or a sub. Mind you there were two other teachers in the room and half the students. And it was a first day.

I knew from the moment I walked in it was an EH class. I started to panic a little when I saw the teacher’s name on the door and it was the teacher I was filling in for. She had her own classroom, not “pushing in” to other classrooms. Frick. I was hoping for an inclusion setting. Easier, another teacher in the room, one on one with student. Then I walked in and saw the other teachers. Whew.

Anyhow, long story short, the principal asked me if I’d like to sub for that class the rest of the year. There won’t be three teachers in the room, only two. Being the teacher in charge is a different ball game than the one I played today. The other teacher was said to be the new teacher for the rest of the year, so I took a back seat. Taking a front seat, the driver’s seat no less, with this group of teenage boys with anger management issues may be more than I am willing to handle.

I know I could do it, just like I did it before. But will I be happy? Will I have migraines? Will I be going out of the frying pan and into the fire?

14

That is all I have to say about that.