Endocrine

Saw endocrinologist today. Doubling my vitamin D dose. She also said that when I become pregnant, I will have to take insulin shots instead of pills. She said that I should actually start that when I decide I want to become pregnant and not wait until afterwards. That was surprising, no one told me that before. Checked out some other things, go back for blood work in three months and follow up. She was actually prepared for our meeting and had notes about my case already prepared. My primary care physician walks in not knowing my name and can't treat me until she reads my computer file.

I am just so blah today. I'm started to doubt my decision about Ronan. Maybe we made the wrong decision. I don't know. Then I have these feelings of self doubt and loathing and think that if we did meet up again he wouldn't like me because a.) that happened when I lived in Manchester and b.) I feel disgusting. Then I also think if I tell him that I want to try and be together he will either disagree or not respond at all which will be heart breaking for me. Don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again which is why I left it to him. If he changed his mind, then he could come out here.

But when the doctor brought up pregnancy today I realized that the only person I could imagine getting married and having kids with is Ronan. Maybe that just means I have to find someone else. That I just haven't met the right person yet. Probably. But I'm such a sentimental fool! Gah.

Tired. I was ready for bed before 7 pm. Now it's an acceptable hour to go to bed so sleep, here I come.