On this day, many, many years ago, I became a vegetarian. I believe it was 1994 - so 13 years ago (that trig comes in handy, I tell ya). My dad was in the hospital having surgery on his back, I was going thru high school drama. My mom made pork chops for dinner and I looked at it and was like, "hey, this is the same shape it was when it was actually in the animal." I was forever changed and couldn't eat meat again. I started off with the pork chops and ribs, fried chicken and other items in their original shape but finally I just couldn't differentiate any more and I quit altogether. I still eat eggs and dairy - so I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian. I had tried to quit the eggs and dairy but got so frustrated when I was out at lunch with my friends at McDonald's, ordered a salad, and found the dressing had eggs! When I thought about it, I remembered being on my Granddaddy's farm and getting the eggs from the nests and I was totally fine with that. I later learned about cage free eggs and all that jazz, but I'm cool with where I'm at with the veggie life. Of course, when I moved to the co-op in Chicago, I felt like a full fledged carnivore compared to all the organic vegans. I thought I was frugal for buying clothes at Dots for like $3, they bought their clothes from the thrift store for 50 cents, or even better, got it from a dumpster, or grew their own organic cotton and made their own clothes from a two hundred year old loom from the underground railway (okay so it wasn't that bad, but still). Working at American Eagle downtown and occasionally getting a McDonald's cheeseburger no meat made me like the consumerist enemy or something. I thought that I would totally fit in at the co-op given my tree-hugging ways, but apparently I wasn't tree-hugging enough for the tree-huggers. I guess I'm just in the middle - not carnivore enough for the meat eaters, don't spend enough to be considered consumeristic by most, but not exactly ready to chuck it all and move to the monastery, or hippie commune, just yet.
Copied from myspace blog on 11/10/13
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Rest in Peace
Missing you today. Wanted to talk to you so bad. Mom is wearing your necklace and Dad wears your ring on a chain around his neck. Making a rosary from the roses on your casket. I thought the hard part was over, but I'm finding out it's just beginning. I filled out your Mom's paperwork tonight and I'll bring it to her caseworker tomorrow. I want to do right by you, Mike, and I want to be sure I make the right choices for your family. Please help me. I talked to Jen tonight and she was such a great help. She suggested I pray on it, and I will. This picture of you isn't the "nicest" but it shows you vulnerable and tired, even with tears in your eyes and it reminds me of all those nights we talked for hours. This picture reminds me of the Mike I knew and loved, real, honest.... God, I miss you so much. I love you, Mike!
Monday, March 19, 2007
The wake
The wake was tonight. Mike didn't really look like Mike, but then again, they never do. His hair did feel the same - full of hairspray! I had told Danielle I don't think he would've liked his hair at all b/c it was not spiky, but at least it had a lot of product in it (just like he wore).
He looked old. Like creases around his eyes really stood out. Standing right up next to him, though, seeing those eyelashes of his, it just seemed like he could take a breath, stretch out and get right up. He was cold. I touched his arm once but it was freezing, so I could only bear to touch his hair. I joked that that was something he would never let me do when he was alive!
He had a guitar in the coffin with him - had Nirvana on it. There was a rosary hanging above him on the coffin and there was a rosary in his hands, which were put together. His face looked bigger than it was when he was alive. When I had seen the body from the coroner's office, I was afraid there wouldn't be anything left, he was barely there. So, I was happy that he didn't look too thin or gaunt.
Some girls that he and Jen had coached brought in a basketball signed by what I assume were team mates. That was very nice.
I was doing alright at the wake until Jared and Wesley walked in together and then I lost it. After I talked to them for awhile, though, it actually made me feel better.
I drove to the cemetery yesterday and today to see where he will be buried. It is very near to his grandparents, so that's nice. It's a nice, small cemetery, so it's not hard to find who you're looking for.
Sandy came right at the end and she is taking this really hard. I mean, not only b/c she's known Mike since he was in pre-school, but also b/c she lost her own daughter six years ago and she says she's sick of going to funerals for "kids". She told Mike's Dad that now they all have a special angel looking over them, that is the job of the young angels God takes.
For those of us, here, life goes on. Phil's birthday is tomorrow, I sent him an e-card. Didn't get a chance to send out his paper card. Ronan im'd me and sent his regrets and I'll be back to work by the end of the week. Maybe now all of us who are affected by this passing will take life less for granted and be sure we live it in such a way that there are no regrets. I am so thankful that I have no regrets with Mike. I said everything I had wanted to say, I did everything I wanted to do and I was as good a friend to him as I could possibly be. No regrets.
Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13
He looked old. Like creases around his eyes really stood out. Standing right up next to him, though, seeing those eyelashes of his, it just seemed like he could take a breath, stretch out and get right up. He was cold. I touched his arm once but it was freezing, so I could only bear to touch his hair. I joked that that was something he would never let me do when he was alive!
He had a guitar in the coffin with him - had Nirvana on it. There was a rosary hanging above him on the coffin and there was a rosary in his hands, which were put together. His face looked bigger than it was when he was alive. When I had seen the body from the coroner's office, I was afraid there wouldn't be anything left, he was barely there. So, I was happy that he didn't look too thin or gaunt.
Some girls that he and Jen had coached brought in a basketball signed by what I assume were team mates. That was very nice.
I was doing alright at the wake until Jared and Wesley walked in together and then I lost it. After I talked to them for awhile, though, it actually made me feel better.
I drove to the cemetery yesterday and today to see where he will be buried. It is very near to his grandparents, so that's nice. It's a nice, small cemetery, so it's not hard to find who you're looking for.
Sandy came right at the end and she is taking this really hard. I mean, not only b/c she's known Mike since he was in pre-school, but also b/c she lost her own daughter six years ago and she says she's sick of going to funerals for "kids". She told Mike's Dad that now they all have a special angel looking over them, that is the job of the young angels God takes.
For those of us, here, life goes on. Phil's birthday is tomorrow, I sent him an e-card. Didn't get a chance to send out his paper card. Ronan im'd me and sent his regrets and I'll be back to work by the end of the week. Maybe now all of us who are affected by this passing will take life less for granted and be sure we live it in such a way that there are no regrets. I am so thankful that I have no regrets with Mike. I said everything I had wanted to say, I did everything I wanted to do and I was as good a friend to him as I could possibly be. No regrets.
Copied from myspace blog 11/10/13
Friday, March 16, 2007
Funeral Arrangements
Funeral arrangments have been made for Mike Watson.
Solan-Pruzin Funeral Home
7109 Calumet Avenue
Hammond, IN
(219) 931-5762
Wake - Monday, March 19th 4:00 - 7:00 p.m.
Funeral - Tuesday, March 20th, 10:30 a.m.
Burial to follow at St. Nicholas Cemetery, Hammond
Obituary will run in the Hammond Times (www.nwitimes.com) on Saturday and Sunday.
Donations can be made to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at any Harris Bank branch location or mailed to:
1433 173rd St.Hammond, IN 46324
Thank you.
Solan-Pruzin Funeral Home
7109 Calumet Avenue
Hammond, IN
(219) 931-5762
Wake - Monday, March 19th 4:00 - 7:00 p.m.
Funeral - Tuesday, March 20th, 10:30 a.m.
Burial to follow at St. Nicholas Cemetery, Hammond
Obituary will run in the Hammond Times (www.nwitimes.com) on Saturday and Sunday.
Donations can be made to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at any Harris Bank branch location or mailed to:
1433 173rd St.Hammond, IN 46324
Thank you.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The Funeral
So, the family and I went to the funeral home and finalized the arrangements. The wake will be on Monday evening, about 4-7 and the funeral will be on Tuesday morning. March 20th at 10:30 a.m. at the Solan-Pruzin Funeral Home, 7109 Calumet Avenue, Hammond. The obituary will run in Saturday and Sunday's Hammond Times. He will be buried in St. Nicholas Cemetery.
I followed the body from the coroner to the funeral home and got to see him, which was so important to me. Anyhow, I'm drained, it's been a long day. I spent part of the time at the funeral home sitting in front of the toilet just ugh...
So, good news though, b/c having the body at the morgue was absolutely breaking our hearts. Oh yeah, and an account has been set up for donations to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at Harris Bank. Donations can be made at any branch.
http://www.myspace.com/nitrox2dive
www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=18428468
Please feel free to add photos to the Find a Grave memorial. I just added the one I have in one of my online albums.
Copied from myspace blog on 11/10/13
I followed the body from the coroner to the funeral home and got to see him, which was so important to me. Anyhow, I'm drained, it's been a long day. I spent part of the time at the funeral home sitting in front of the toilet just ugh...
So, good news though, b/c having the body at the morgue was absolutely breaking our hearts. Oh yeah, and an account has been set up for donations to the Mike Watson Memorial Fund at Harris Bank. Donations can be made at any branch.
http://www.myspace.com/nitrox2dive
www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=18428468
Please feel free to add photos to the Find a Grave memorial. I just added the one I have in one of my online albums.
Copied from myspace blog on 11/10/13
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The funeral home has agreed to let us bury Michael and make payments. We are going tomorrow at noon to make the arrangements and the parents will sign a release to move the body from the coroner's to the funeral home. It is likely that there will be a service the day after tomorrow.
Today I went to Mike's apartment w/his brother and sister in law. Of course, I broke down and leaned against the kitchen counter to stop me from falling to my knees. I got it out early, though, and we worked a bit on packing up his stuff. Going back tomorrow.
I got a framed cross with the Lord's Prayer that I had bought for him as a gift. It was hanging on his wall. The sister in law found a picture of me and Mike and gave it to me. His brother had to tell her it was me, though, b/c she didn't recognize me from the photo! I'm so glad she found it.
Mike was always so cute! He is the love of my life and I'm so happy that we were able to reconnect after all those years to have these last two and half years in each other's lives. I have never, ever, found a man I loved more than him or that I felt was more handsome than him. He was perfect to me and I'm so crushed that he's gone. He was my best friend and the one who knew me all thru my life and knew me better than I knew myself. He knew my thoughts before I could think them and he would set me straight when I would get down. I will miss him more than I can imagine.
Today I went to Mike's apartment w/his brother and sister in law. Of course, I broke down and leaned against the kitchen counter to stop me from falling to my knees. I got it out early, though, and we worked a bit on packing up his stuff. Going back tomorrow.
I got a framed cross with the Lord's Prayer that I had bought for him as a gift. It was hanging on his wall. The sister in law found a picture of me and Mike and gave it to me. His brother had to tell her it was me, though, b/c she didn't recognize me from the photo! I'm so glad she found it.
Mike was always so cute! He is the love of my life and I'm so happy that we were able to reconnect after all those years to have these last two and half years in each other's lives. I have never, ever, found a man I loved more than him or that I felt was more handsome than him. He was perfect to me and I'm so crushed that he's gone. He was my best friend and the one who knew me all thru my life and knew me better than I knew myself. He knew my thoughts before I could think them and he would set me straight when I would get down. I will miss him more than I can imagine.
Mike is gone
Mike is gone
Mike died Sunday. I can't breathe but I can't sleep either. I just left his mom's side. I'm going to help clean out his apartment tomorrow.
He died of a blood clot in his lung. The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening. He died of natural causes.
There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard". How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way? And man, was he beautiful. God, I loved him so much. I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.
He is and always will be the love of my life and that will never change.
I love you, Mike, and I miss you so much!!!
If you would like to donate, please email me at sabrina.uk at gmail.com Thank you.
http://www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike
Mike died Sunday. I can't breathe but I can't sleep either. I just left his mom's side. I'm going to help clean out his apartment tomorrow.
He died of a blood clot in his lung. The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening. He died of natural causes.
There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard". How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way? And man, was he beautiful. God, I loved him so much. I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.
He is and always will be the love of my life and that will never change.
I love you, Mike, and I miss you so much!!!
If you would like to donate, please email me at sabrina.uk at gmail.com Thank you.
http://www.geocities.com/sabrinigreen/mike
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Mike is gone
Mike died Sunday. I can't breathe but I can't sleep either. I just left his mom's side. I'm going to help clean out his apartment tomorrow.
He died of a blood clot in his lung. The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening. He died of natural causes.
There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard". How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way? And man, was he beautiful. God, I loved him so much. I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.
Pasted in from myspace blog on 11/10/13
He died of a blood clot in his lung. The coroner told me that this afternoon and confirmed with his Dad this evening. He died of natural causes.
There's no money for a funeral so we're trying to raise it. In the meantime, he is in the morgue and the coroner won't let me see him b/c it is a "biohazard". How can this beautiful man's body be in a room considered in such a way? And man, was he beautiful. God, I loved him so much. I'm so thankful he was in my life and I'm so grateful that he and I were able to get back in touch after all those years.
Pasted in from myspace blog on 11/10/13
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Another Blind Interview
Going on job interviews lately has reminded me of going on blind dates. Bad ones. Had another one today; interview, I mean. It went well, but I'm not holding my breath. Just like dating, I am sick of being in temporary situations. I want something real, something permanent. I've been living in this new city for nearly a year now, which is really the longest time I've spent anywhere in a very long time. I started hanging pictures on the walls, with real nails and hooks - which are more permanent than the double sided tape or blue tack I had used before. I'm ready for the real thing. A real job, a real home, a real love, a real family.
I've been feeling like I want to start a family of my own. I've been going to the dr. regularly, monitoring everything and I'm ready to get my body in a place where I can healthily bring a baby into the world. I had been thinking of fostering and adopting, but just recently, I've been feeling like I want to also have a child of my own.
I suppose that doesn't make me any different from most women my age, but it is different for me. I've been craving change for so long, that permanence is a whole new concept.
I've been feeling like I want to start a family of my own. I've been going to the dr. regularly, monitoring everything and I'm ready to get my body in a place where I can healthily bring a baby into the world. I had been thinking of fostering and adopting, but just recently, I've been feeling like I want to also have a child of my own.
I suppose that doesn't make me any different from most women my age, but it is different for me. I've been craving change for so long, that permanence is a whole new concept.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
The eww factor
I am absolutely done with men. Holy moly, this is for real. I was just talking with a fellow ex of a mutual ex boyfriend and the things I found out were horrendous. Now I have to go get tested for STDs (I never have unprotected sex, but you can never be sure) and I just feel absolutely sick about the whole thing. You know, this was due to happen b/c I just got done telling my one of my friends about a guy I was kind of liking and ready to go put myself out there again then WHAM!!!
Seriously, when you find out that your ex sleeps with men, without protection, among many other things, it just kind of stings. Or that he kept your name in a notebook along with his other conquests noting what you liked sexually and when you did it.
I think I might just go throw up now.
Seriously, when you find out that your ex sleeps with men, without protection, among many other things, it just kind of stings. Or that he kept your name in a notebook along with his other conquests noting what you liked sexually and when you did it.
I think I might just go throw up now.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Monday, December 25, 2006
Reflections
Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho and all that jazz. Today has been a nice day, both weather and other wise. My poor brother has to work today at the casino. I have an interview tomorrow up here near my parents' house. I don't know if my suit will fit after all the eating we did last night and today. Now everyone is sleepy.
The photo is of the house I moved into earlier this year. It's nice and pretty, though I only live in the top part.
I finally got around to scanning some things I've been meaning to scan, so here are so pages from my scrapbook from London 2001, when I lived there for six months on the BUNAC work program.
Here are some of our house in London:
And of course, there are the sites, like Big Ben
and Trafalgar Square 
All good fun! Nice to have the time to sit down and reflect, hope you all have had that sort of time this Christmas. Merry Christmas!
Monday, November 27, 2006
A look at the Travels
I mentioned the big letdown in my last post referring to all the excitement of my travels. I've come into the current century and digitized some of these photos, which I will share. Bear with me if this doesn't work quite right - yahoo photos just "upgraded" and we all know how that works.
Travel photos Most are from London and the first ones aren't cropped, but they are cropped later in the album. It's still a work in progress.
In other news: apparently I'm not the only American with a soft heart.
Travel photos Most are from London and the first ones aren't cropped, but they are cropped later in the album. It's still a work in progress.
In other news: apparently I'm not the only American with a soft heart.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
The Big Letdown
I'm at my parents' house scanning old photos. Right now I'm working on photos from London 2001. It looks like I had a lot of fun. I am reminded of the pubs, the people, the good times. I'm browsing thru my online albums, see photos of Northern Ireland, me and Ronan kissing and I'm like, wow, that must have been nice. Meeting a boy and having a romance in Northern Ireland. Sounds exciting. Then I look at my life now, my efficiency apartment in the Midwest, crappy job, or lack thereof and well, it doesn't quite hold up to the memories of my days in lands far, far, away.
I had very different visions of where I would be at this point in my life. I'm going to be 30 next year, and I feel like a 19 year old just starting out. This is really not how I imagined my life would be.
On the other hand, I am quite thankful for what I have and that I am close to family and am healthy and happy and such. It's just when I think about "life" I get very nervous b/c of the thirty mark around the corner and wonder what will my life be? When my time is up, what will my life have been? How will I be remembered? What will I have accomplished? Did I live a happy, loving life?
I guess working on the family tree isn't helping my existential crisis, either. You sum up a person's life by birth, death and marriage dates and maybe an occupation. I guess I'm just scared that my time is dwindling away and I don't know that I've done all I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who fears the end of existence. It makes me long for the days when I was "invincible" and had eternity in front of me.
This is also what I get for having a week off and spending it at my parents' house! My goodness, those are some depressing thoughts. Reminds me why I moved out in the first place, even if it was to an efficiency apartment in the middle of the middle of the country. C'est la vie...
I had very different visions of where I would be at this point in my life. I'm going to be 30 next year, and I feel like a 19 year old just starting out. This is really not how I imagined my life would be.
On the other hand, I am quite thankful for what I have and that I am close to family and am healthy and happy and such. It's just when I think about "life" I get very nervous b/c of the thirty mark around the corner and wonder what will my life be? When my time is up, what will my life have been? How will I be remembered? What will I have accomplished? Did I live a happy, loving life?
I guess working on the family tree isn't helping my existential crisis, either. You sum up a person's life by birth, death and marriage dates and maybe an occupation. I guess I'm just scared that my time is dwindling away and I don't know that I've done all I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one who fears the end of existence. It makes me long for the days when I was "invincible" and had eternity in front of me.
This is also what I get for having a week off and spending it at my parents' house! My goodness, those are some depressing thoughts. Reminds me why I moved out in the first place, even if it was to an efficiency apartment in the middle of the middle of the country. C'est la vie...
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Black Friday
The best and worst of Black Friday MSN Video story.
Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. It is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year. It traditionally marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season. More and more, though, the sales are starting earlier and retailers are even opening on Thanksgiving day to lure in customers. Five years ago, there wasn't a store in town that was open on Thanksgiving, now it's becoming commonplace.
Because of all the hype of Black Friday, some folks say, "no way" to going shopping that day. This spreads the retail joy across the entire week. Some people continue to get up at the crack of dawn for these super duper "early bird" specials just because it is tradition. And some are just crazy mad for sales and hype and getting up at the a*s crack of dawn for a super deal on a blender for Aunt Edna. To each their own.
No, I didn't go out this year. I stayed in and hid from the crazy people who trampled themselves for a Play Station 3 or Elmo doll or whatever the heck else. No thank you, I've bought little gifts throughout the year and I'm making most of them anyways. Besides, it's a lot funner to watch Black Friday than to experience it!
Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. It is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year. It traditionally marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season. More and more, though, the sales are starting earlier and retailers are even opening on Thanksgiving day to lure in customers. Five years ago, there wasn't a store in town that was open on Thanksgiving, now it's becoming commonplace.
Because of all the hype of Black Friday, some folks say, "no way" to going shopping that day. This spreads the retail joy across the entire week. Some people continue to get up at the crack of dawn for these super duper "early bird" specials just because it is tradition. And some are just crazy mad for sales and hype and getting up at the a*s crack of dawn for a super deal on a blender for Aunt Edna. To each their own.
No, I didn't go out this year. I stayed in and hid from the crazy people who trampled themselves for a Play Station 3 or Elmo doll or whatever the heck else. No thank you, I've bought little gifts throughout the year and I'm making most of them anyways. Besides, it's a lot funner to watch Black Friday than to experience it!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Happy Thanksgiving!
In honor of Thanksgiving, here are some e-cards that I thought were pretty funny! Of course, I'm easily amused.
My favorite! Make sure you have your sound on and don't forget to click on each of the acorns.
Turkey Time
Fun with Taters It's the guys from my favorite one doing another one of their bits.
American Entree Search My favorite turkey stars on this card are the first and fourth stars.
Singing Thanksgiving Chins Be sure to watch the Bloopers!
Maxine and her giblets
Yee haw! Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
My favorite! Make sure you have your sound on and don't forget to click on each of the acorns.
Turkey Time
Fun with Taters It's the guys from my favorite one doing another one of their bits.
American Entree Search My favorite turkey stars on this card are the first and fourth stars.
Singing Thanksgiving Chins Be sure to watch the Bloopers!
Maxine and her giblets
Yee haw! Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Dems Rock the House
Yay, Democrats take over the house! Rumsfeld resigned, Dennis Hastert isn't going to be Speaker and Dick Cheny went hunting again. Wowee what a day.
On a more personal note, I had quite a day myself. I am applying for rental assistance thru the township trustee and man do they make you jump thru some flaming hoops. My appointment was this morning and the lady almost made me cry by saying, "well if you don't have that form from your landlord, we're done". And I was like, huh? I thought I could get a three day extension, and she's like, "weren't you already in here for an extension" No, I wasn't. Oh, she blushes and says, "I thought you were already in here for an extension." For f*ck's sake, give a girl a heart attack, will you? And if I had not listened intently last time I was there, or not had the balls of steel I seem to have, I might have retreated out of that office with my tail between my legs crying in my beer (in my rent arreared apartment!) Man, people piss me off.
Right, so then I go to library to use the puter and who messages me but the man I can't seem to get out of my head no matter how hard I try - Ronan. Then we start chatting about the good times and my heart starts going a flutter and I'm like, damnit, I can't do this to myself again! So then I call Mike to discuss the matter and he was sh*tty and said, "Sabrina, if you want to keep getting hurt going back to the same men over and over, that's your choice." After I got over how rude he was, I thought, he's right. There are so many men in the world, in this country, in this city - why keep stabbing myself in the heart for someone who can't put his money where his mouth is (or typing fingers). As I left the building, I looked up and there was this really cute guy holding the door open for me. Yes, I thought, there are other choices and chances, I want true happiness. I see marriage proposals on tv and hear people talk about their own and I think, man, I didn't have that. I backed Ronan into a wall and he said, okay. And whenever the going gets tough, he retreats into the darkness only to reappear after sufficient time has passed that I may have forgotten the time before. He even did it in our online conversation today. When I mentioned how bad my last visit was, he suddenly had to go to the store. When I brought up something like broke my heart last time, he had to go. I absolutely abhor bringing those things up, I don't mean to dredge up the past, but those are huge things that I still don't understand and there's no way I could ever entertain the notion of Ronan again until those things are resolved. I think he knows that, but he has no intention of resolving them, he wants to have a nice chat online so he can feel the warm fuzzies (and other things) while we're online, then go back to his life, whatever that may be. Not me, I fell too hard for that business and I can't do it again. God, I can't even believe I'm typing this now. Ronan? Really? Did I actually allow him to get under my skin for two seconds again? Why am I such a hopeless romantice - or fool? Hey Ronan, if you read this - I resent you my last email, which I told you during our online conv. I came to the library tonight hoping to see a reply, which was not there. If you really want me, you need to do more than casually type a few words from your computer and get your ass on a plane and come here to America and get me flowers, let me show you around my city and make me an actual part of my life, not the dirty little secret from the messenger archives.
And that was all before lunch. I went twirling this evening. And I took a nap. I tend to do that when my emotions run high. Curse my bleeding heart!
On a more personal note, I had quite a day myself. I am applying for rental assistance thru the township trustee and man do they make you jump thru some flaming hoops. My appointment was this morning and the lady almost made me cry by saying, "well if you don't have that form from your landlord, we're done". And I was like, huh? I thought I could get a three day extension, and she's like, "weren't you already in here for an extension" No, I wasn't. Oh, she blushes and says, "I thought you were already in here for an extension." For f*ck's sake, give a girl a heart attack, will you? And if I had not listened intently last time I was there, or not had the balls of steel I seem to have, I might have retreated out of that office with my tail between my legs crying in my beer (in my rent arreared apartment!) Man, people piss me off.
Right, so then I go to library to use the puter and who messages me but the man I can't seem to get out of my head no matter how hard I try - Ronan. Then we start chatting about the good times and my heart starts going a flutter and I'm like, damnit, I can't do this to myself again! So then I call Mike to discuss the matter and he was sh*tty and said, "Sabrina, if you want to keep getting hurt going back to the same men over and over, that's your choice." After I got over how rude he was, I thought, he's right. There are so many men in the world, in this country, in this city - why keep stabbing myself in the heart for someone who can't put his money where his mouth is (or typing fingers). As I left the building, I looked up and there was this really cute guy holding the door open for me. Yes, I thought, there are other choices and chances, I want true happiness. I see marriage proposals on tv and hear people talk about their own and I think, man, I didn't have that. I backed Ronan into a wall and he said, okay. And whenever the going gets tough, he retreats into the darkness only to reappear after sufficient time has passed that I may have forgotten the time before. He even did it in our online conversation today. When I mentioned how bad my last visit was, he suddenly had to go to the store. When I brought up something like broke my heart last time, he had to go. I absolutely abhor bringing those things up, I don't mean to dredge up the past, but those are huge things that I still don't understand and there's no way I could ever entertain the notion of Ronan again until those things are resolved. I think he knows that, but he has no intention of resolving them, he wants to have a nice chat online so he can feel the warm fuzzies (and other things) while we're online, then go back to his life, whatever that may be. Not me, I fell too hard for that business and I can't do it again. God, I can't even believe I'm typing this now. Ronan? Really? Did I actually allow him to get under my skin for two seconds again? Why am I such a hopeless romantice - or fool? Hey Ronan, if you read this - I resent you my last email, which I told you during our online conv. I came to the library tonight hoping to see a reply, which was not there. If you really want me, you need to do more than casually type a few words from your computer and get your ass on a plane and come here to America and get me flowers, let me show you around my city and make me an actual part of my life, not the dirty little secret from the messenger archives.
And that was all before lunch. I went twirling this evening. And I took a nap. I tend to do that when my emotions run high. Curse my bleeding heart!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Election Day
So did you get your vote on today? I did, but I can't say that it was well informed, or informed at all for that matter. Somehow we have gotten so detached from the process and people who represent us and make the rules that govern our lives. I guess that happens when everything is going pretty much alright. I guess I see, once again, how American privilege has led to ignorance becoming bliss.
I just got back from a long weekend at my parents' house. Was nice to spend time with the fam. While I really wanted to go to home for a visit, I had originally planned to spend a day with my old college boyfriend. However, the stress of the possible meeting was beginning to outweigh the potential benefits, so I decided to head north earlier than anticipated.
Well, it's late, I'm off. Have to walk to my car across the street in the parking garage. Why do parking garages always seem unreasonably creepy? I'm getting the heebee jeebies just thinking about it. Curse my computer addiction and my lack of one in my apartment ;-)
I just got back from a long weekend at my parents' house. Was nice to spend time with the fam. While I really wanted to go to home for a visit, I had originally planned to spend a day with my old college boyfriend. However, the stress of the possible meeting was beginning to outweigh the potential benefits, so I decided to head north earlier than anticipated.
Well, it's late, I'm off. Have to walk to my car across the street in the parking garage. Why do parking garages always seem unreasonably creepy? I'm getting the heebee jeebies just thinking about it. Curse my computer addiction and my lack of one in my apartment ;-)
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Spot on
I came across this article today by chance. It sounds strangely familiar...
This week's problem
I've just finished studying an intensive four-month course in Scotland where I fell completely in love with a man - but now I'm so confused about how he feels about me. When we do meet up, we have the most amazingly wonderful times together – the sex is incredible, too - but then he can go for two weeks without calling me. When we were together our relationship was so intense, because we saw each other every day on the course. But now it's all over, it seems as if he's lost interest. His friends all say he really likes me – and when we go out together I feel like we are meant to be –everything feels magical and perfect.
Despite being intelligent and good-looking, he's been single for several years. Could it be that he just doesn't want to settle down and should I be looking elsewhere? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel so frustrated by the fact that he doesn't want to instigate more meetings with just the two of us. Can you help?
So Frustated
Dear So Frustrated,
Oh dear, you've got it bad and two emotional-psychological things strike me immediately: compartmentalisation and expectations. Some people are excellent at compartmentalising parts of their life. Men are particularly good at this. Compartmentalisation is a psychological technique where some people manage their lives by sticking things in separate compartments with clear boundaries. And never shall the bits-and-pieces of their lives meet! That's why when a man is out for a night with the boys he doesn't think about his beloved girlfriend or wife at home. No, he enjoys a good evening out! And with your Scottish lover-boy he's managed to stick you in a neat little compartment.
Expectations are the emotional part of the equation. Your expectations are high for a romantic relationship with him. You're completely in love, have amazing times and sex with him and everything "is magical ". All these ingredients mean you want a 100% full-on relationship. The funny thing is he probably enjoys all those things when you're with him but when you're not it's "out of sight and out of mind". His expectations are to have a great time when he's with you and a great time when he's not.
Where does this leave you? Unfortunately it leaves you on the verge of obsessing about him -I think you're probably already in this place. Quite frankly what we can't quite have, we want even more. Particularly with the heady mix you feel of passion, love and sex. You believe life would be a happier, shinier place with him in it completely. That's fantasy-thinking because what you had was an intense period of time together doing the same course. The reality is you need to find out what his expectations are. Then you're in a position to decide whether you're beating your head against a brick wall or there's a chance for genuine love.
How do you go about finding out?
So you don't freak him out it's best to plan what you say, then write it down and read it back. Put yourself in his shoes. Will your words cause him to panic? Be honest with yourself. You may want to rethink them and ratchet down the emotional tone.
Once happy with what you want to say then practise it until you feel confident.
Now choose a time when you two will be on your own and there's no pressure to rush through what you want to say. Don't make it a big deal, instead make it a positive experience for you both - sipping nice wine, chilled out, and then you speak confidently about where you and he see the relationship going.
That's the best you can do and hope he gives you an honest answer. Ultimately if he fluffs around and things continue in the same vein you've got your answer anyway - he just doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.
This week's problem
I've just finished studying an intensive four-month course in Scotland where I fell completely in love with a man - but now I'm so confused about how he feels about me. When we do meet up, we have the most amazingly wonderful times together – the sex is incredible, too - but then he can go for two weeks without calling me. When we were together our relationship was so intense, because we saw each other every day on the course. But now it's all over, it seems as if he's lost interest. His friends all say he really likes me – and when we go out together I feel like we are meant to be –everything feels magical and perfect.
Despite being intelligent and good-looking, he's been single for several years. Could it be that he just doesn't want to settle down and should I be looking elsewhere? I can't stop thinking about him, and I feel so frustrated by the fact that he doesn't want to instigate more meetings with just the two of us. Can you help?
So Frustated
Dear So Frustrated,
Oh dear, you've got it bad and two emotional-psychological things strike me immediately: compartmentalisation and expectations. Some people are excellent at compartmentalising parts of their life. Men are particularly good at this. Compartmentalisation is a psychological technique where some people manage their lives by sticking things in separate compartments with clear boundaries. And never shall the bits-and-pieces of their lives meet! That's why when a man is out for a night with the boys he doesn't think about his beloved girlfriend or wife at home. No, he enjoys a good evening out! And with your Scottish lover-boy he's managed to stick you in a neat little compartment.
Expectations are the emotional part of the equation. Your expectations are high for a romantic relationship with him. You're completely in love, have amazing times and sex with him and everything "is magical ". All these ingredients mean you want a 100% full-on relationship. The funny thing is he probably enjoys all those things when you're with him but when you're not it's "out of sight and out of mind". His expectations are to have a great time when he's with you and a great time when he's not.
Where does this leave you? Unfortunately it leaves you on the verge of obsessing about him -I think you're probably already in this place. Quite frankly what we can't quite have, we want even more. Particularly with the heady mix you feel of passion, love and sex. You believe life would be a happier, shinier place with him in it completely. That's fantasy-thinking because what you had was an intense period of time together doing the same course. The reality is you need to find out what his expectations are. Then you're in a position to decide whether you're beating your head against a brick wall or there's a chance for genuine love.
How do you go about finding out?
So you don't freak him out it's best to plan what you say, then write it down and read it back. Put yourself in his shoes. Will your words cause him to panic? Be honest with yourself. You may want to rethink them and ratchet down the emotional tone.
Once happy with what you want to say then practise it until you feel confident.
Now choose a time when you two will be on your own and there's no pressure to rush through what you want to say. Don't make it a big deal, instead make it a positive experience for you both - sipping nice wine, chilled out, and then you speak confidently about where you and he see the relationship going.
That's the best you can do and hope he gives you an honest answer. Ultimately if he fluffs around and things continue in the same vein you've got your answer anyway - he just doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.
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