View from the other side

“I will not give you what you really need, I can’t. I am too busy trying to get what I need and deserve from you. I can give you a bit of this and that if you like, but nothing that requires honest emotional investment because I am not emotionally available. I am really just empty. I am really about smoke and mirrors. I love you so much though, I’d never hurt you. But then again, how would I know if I hurt you because I am substance addicted* and oblivious to conscience or the feelings you have anyway, you know? You, on the other hand, you are emotionally available and luckily for you, I am here to demand and take endlessly from your compassion and empathic stores of emotion. You can chase me if you like, but you won’t catch me. What will happen is that the more you chase, the more I will get you and as I get you, you will get more caught up in trying to fix me than caring about yourself. I have you right where I want you.”

*Does not have to be substance addicted – just toxic, codependent, narcissistic, etc.

From A.J. Mahari September 24, 2007

I read this and I got a pain in my chest it hit home so hard. This is about trauma bonds. We get in relationships to work out issues from past trauma in our lives. It was hard core stuff that was right on the money for me. So here's a questionnaire to answer with yes or no. 

1.) Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even though they are long gone?

2.) Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?

3.) Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you?

4.) Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?

5.) Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?

6.) Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?

7.) Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?

8.) Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?

9.) Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?

10.) Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?

11.) Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?

12.) Do you attract untrustworthy people?

13.) Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?

14.) Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?

15.) Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?

16.) When there is a constant pattern on non-performance in a relationship, do you continue to expect them to follow through anyway?

17.) Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?

18.) Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?

19.) Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you? 

20.) Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive but you believe you cannot do anything about it? 

21.) Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?

22.) Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?

23.) Does someone's talents, charisma, or contributions cause your to overlook destructive, exploitative, or degrading acts?

24.) Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do n trust, like or care the person?

25.) Do you find yourself missing a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you? 

26.) Are extraordinary demands placed on your to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation? 

27.) Do you keep secret someone's destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?

28.) Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?

29.) Are you attracted to "dangerous" people?

30.) Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should? 

Let's tally up your score!  You should have 0 yes answers! 

You enter into these trauma bond relationships in order to work out the issues from a past traumatic relationship in your life. You will keep on having the same relationship over and over and over again until you resolve whatever it is you need to resolve. So work on that. Get in therapy, STAT! 

Be done with it

Penis Dumped

As of about an hour ago, I am no longer having sex with my ex.

He dumped me. Or my vagina, rather. (And other parts of me, but I’ll spare the details).

I got penis dumped.

We really were only sleeping together and nothing else. Well, I guess we were friends or friendly, at least. But as far as romance, not even on the radar. This was in part because our actual relationship was so long ago, in part because we just don’t feel that way about each other because we resolved that eons ago and in part because he has a significant significant other. Yes, I typed significant twice. As in long term, permanent kind of deal. Now he doesn’t want to fuck because they want to make babies. Well, slap my ass and call me Sally. I so shouldn’t have been upset by this. I really shouldn't have. I really, really shouldn't have.

I was.

Fudge.

It doesn’t help at all that I am in the middle of the worst menstrual period in recent memory, with all of the horrible emotions that go along with it. Nor does it help that I am hanging on waiting on a reply from another ex after talking about getting back together. It probably doesn’t help either that hibernation ends as of tomorrow and I have to figure out what really comes next for me, despite not knowing whether or not I am even still in the teaching program. Or that I forgot to make one of my payments and have to figure that out. Or that in general, I already feel such a low, low feeling of self-worth.  That probably all has something to do with it.

This was just horrible timing, honestly, for my ego. All I can think is that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Just yesterday I was at lunch with a good friend who was telling me that I was going to have room in my life for the right man if I kept letting the wrong men in (specifically mentioning this dude) and kabow, he dumps me. I guess that’s kind of right on time. 

Edit - And I just found out it's international kiss a ginger day http://hotforginger.com/blog/international-kiss-a-ginger-day

Mortality

I just found out a past sexual partner has hepatitis C. My first thoughts were for his welfare and state of mind but later, as I had time to myself, I started to think about me. Could I have gotten it from him? Is it possible that it hasn't yet been diagnosed?

Google searches followed and I'm pretty confident that I'm fine. I go to the doctor regularly, have blood tests every three months for other ailments, but then I remembered that there was that liver enzyme number that was inexplicably abnormal. Did they ever actually test for hep c?

But really, I'm sure I'm fine.

Just like when I had the MRI of my brain a few weeks ago. Way in the back of my thoughts was the idea that maybe there was something completely out of my control that was not easily fixed - like a brain tumor. I didn't really think there was, but this little bitty inkling sat in the back of my consciousness. It scared me. It made me frightened to think that despite doing all of the right things and going to all of my doctor appointments, taking my medicines and not engaging in high risk behavior, I could still end up with a sickness outside of my control. I will still end up at some point, faced with my own mortality.

That's f*cking depressing.

But then I started to think of that country song, "Live like you were dying". And if it was a brain tumor, how would I live my life? Would I be doing the things I'm doing now? Would I accept my life the way it is now? What would I change?

I don't think we should all be so short sighted to live every single day like it's our last, we would never graduate school or have careers. I already live by the mantra of letting people know how I feel and telling everyone I love them always. But in day to day life, especially now, I let the details overshadow my joy. There has been little to no joy in my life since I started teaching. That was never the goal. No one wants to live a life without joy. I don't think it's teaching that's doing it, I think it's the specific school and/or program that I've been working with.

But I didn't want to be a quitter. I bit my tongue, clenched my teeth (literally), made myself ill from keeping it all in. But I wasn't a quitter. I was going to stay the course. I had made a commitment. I had started this year and I was going to finish it. I would move on once my two years was up. Maybe once the school year was over. I was not going to leave mid-year, brain tumor or no brain tumor.

As fate often does, it intervened. After school let out for Christmas break, the principal called me into her office and told me that she was letting me go. She said it wasn't a good fit. I was shocked because there hadn't been any discipline write ups or warnings and said so, but she said this was her decision and that was that. I was walked to my classroom by the Dean and he watched me pack up my stuff.

Brain tumor or no brain tumor, I lost my job.
Christmas or no Christmas, I was fired.
Discipline or no discipline, no second chances.

My teaching career at this school was now dead.

2013 Year in Review

In a nutshell:

Mom had a heart attack
I became a teacher
Got a new car
Moved to a different city
Started my master's degree
Made peace with my rapist
Started sleeping with my ex
Left school in an ambulance
Made Dean's List
Then got academic probation
Got a teaching job
Then lost my job
Celebrated Christmas with the family
Wondering what the next year holds

Oh and Mom graduated from cardiac rehab just this week  ;-)

Life partner

How should you choose a life partner? Should it be about romantic love or should our new about compatibility? Put a different way, should you live with someone who you can tolerate and rely on and care about but not worry about delirious head over heels love? Is that something that makes lifelong partnership too difficult? (Because the flip side is conflict and other emotions)

So far, I've heard, "follow your heart" and "you just know". 

That's what I've always thought, too. But now I'm beginning to wonder...

Beautiful day to be off work

It is a beautiful day to be off of work. We have today off. I don’t know exactly why. It is Veteran’s Day, but I don’t think that’s why we have it off. I heard it has more to do with the Florida school calendar and this being the end of their quarter (our corporation is based in Florida). I don’t really care why, I’m just happy to have the day off. I can’t wait until those glorious two weeks of Christmas vacation. The neighboring school district had two weeks off for fall break. We had two days. I was inputting all the days off in my calendar and noticed that in the spring semester there is a LONG stretch of time where there are no days off at all. I’m trying not to think about that and trying to focus on the positive. Today I have a day off. Today is a good day.

Thinking back and remembering what has been the most relaxing day of the school year thus far was actually the day after I left school in an ambulance. I knew that I had to take it very, very easy, so I stayed in bed all day and read an entire book. It made a world of difference reading a book versus being on the computer. Much more relaxing, the book.

Speaking of the ambulance; I am still waiting to see the neurologist. I saw my primary care physician who referred me to that specialist. The PCP thinks it could be spinal fluid leaking putting pressure in my skull. The neurologist will order an MRI and that will be able to tell. In the meantime, I have some strong headache medicine which is controlling the pain, if I take it by a certain time of day. It has some side effects that aren’t so pleasant, but I’m just trying to grin and bear it until I get in to see neurology. I am just thankful the pain is gone.

Seeing the positive, that’s what I’m trying to do! 

Ambulance ride numero dos

Yesterday I left school in an ambulance because I thought I was having a diabetic stroke of some kind. I saw prisms and was slurring my speech and dizzy. Turns out it was a migraine. I stayed home today and did not leave the house. I read an entire book. I would love to stay home again tomorrow but it is the last week of the quarter and I need to make sure my kids get the grades they deserve. Funny how the most stressful week is the one you get the migraine??? Coincidence? I think not. I just can't wait until the summer break and hope to be poolside with a frozen cocktail being served to me.

Tired

Was an hour late to my evening class today. Comedy of errors led to this but had to eat and get my rent paid. TGI(A)F. (Thank God it's almost Friday). 

We had a corporate visit at school today. When one of the leaders said, "There's no tired like first month of teaching tired" I felt validated. Glad to hear I'm not the only one. 

Moms have it rougher, and maybe one day I'll experience that. But for now, this is as tired as I've ever felt. 

Forever 12?

Last week, I was sitting in my master's level class with a group of professionals and when the teacher said the name of a diagnostic test was "Woodcock Johnson" some of us just burst into laughter. We are all really 12 year olds inside, I think.

I have never seen so many "Toms" shoes before working at my school. They are worn by the teachers, who are young, not long out of college. I think they are kind of ugly. But now I see them at the university with the other teachers and suddenly they start growing on me. I buy a pair of shoes from the clearance rack that look like Toms because now I suddenly like that style. 

Totally reminds me of when I was in 6th grade and everyone wore those god awful brown boat shoes. They would twirl the laces on the side to make them stick out instead of tying them. I thought they were hideous. Seriously. I couldn't imagine how anyone could ever wear them. But then they did. Every girl started getting these hideous shoes and doing that ridiculous knot. 

Suddenly I wanted a pair of these shoes. 

In one of my 8th grade classrooms today, one of the students let out a very silent but deadly fart. The kids fell over themselves trying to get away from the smell. At first I shook my head at their dramatic exit then I got a whiff and I quickly went to the other side of the room, trying not to inhale while laughing hysterically. 

The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

When I was your woman

Someone told me to look up this song and listen...

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

Special Ed Party

The head of the special education department (aka special ed, or sped) said we should have a "party" this weekend to enter IEPs into the computer system.

Woohoo.

Okay, if you want me to come in on a weekend, let's just be real about it. It's not a party. It's 10 am on a Sunday morning at school sitting in front of a computer entering data from papers in folders. 

Being a special education teacher is so much more than just the work with the children. There is a vast amount of paperwork and law involved. Deadlines are always looming and you are always careful of communicating information to anyone. Not just the usual privacy, but how you do it. Don't send emails. Document not only phone calls, but attempts to call. Always document. 

I had a pizza party for one of my classes on Friday. I also comforted two crying kids in two different classes. Middle school: always drama. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to rest up for my sped party tomorrow. Where's my party hat? 

Forgiveness

I met up with the man who raped me twenty years ago and this is what happened.
(Note: we had spoken on the phone the day before.)

Twenty Years

Needs versus Ridiculously Unnecessary Useless Gifts

This weekend I went to a fourth birthday party.  To avoid having to describe the complex exact relationship, let's just say it was a friend of a friend. There were about thirty people at the party when I arrived, and there had been more who had come and gone before and since. Each of these people brought at least one gift for the birthday child. Including the vast multitude of gifts from the parents and grandparents, there were easily fifty-sixty presents. Fifty presents. For one child. One four year old child. In addition, though, they have two other children, and they both received a few gifts. One more than the other, because this poor child didn't have a birthday party (the horror) and this was kind of sort of their party as well. So what we can deduce from this (and what I actually learned from speaking with the parents) is that they not only have a birthday party every year for this child, but they also have one every year for the other kids as well. That's three birthday parties a year. Fifty presents per child (which is a conservative estimate) comes to 150 presents a year for this household. That's for birthdays. Christmas is a whole other story. I would estimate about twenty gifts per child (again, conservative estimate) for Christmas. So about 200 gifts (mainly toys) in this household per year. But wait, there's more! Do you think they only get toys at birthdays and Christmas? Not likely. I can't even fathom how many that comes to, so I'll just stick with the number 200.

As the child opened the presents, and I glanced at the overflowing present table, all I could think was, "Where are they going to put all of this?" They have a modest home, and with three children it is already bursting at the seams. Then I started to think of the money that went into those gifts. While I got mine for less than $1 thanks to clearance sales and coupons (and already had in the house), most people spent at least $20. The amount of money spent on the gifts could have paid for books for college one year.

The party itself is another expense. It was by no means extravagant. It was a very simple barbecue in a family member's backyard. They even got great discounts on the meat from a friend who works for the company. However, they still had to pay for that, mountains of beverages, side dishes, paper plates, napkins, plastic cutlery, tablecloths, etc. That is all money they paid out of pocket to have this party. One party goer suggested that they have a play date at a local children's place and the parent replied, "I don't know if I'll have the money after this." Clearly, this was an expense that put a marked dent into their budget.

Meanwhile, they get a call from the local police department that one of their dogs has escaped. In this extreme heat, they had accidentally left their animals outside. That, and a roaming dog is enough to get you in trouble with animal control, but the police officer was concerned about the look of the animal. Mind you, this is a police officer, not an animal control officer. Just by looking at the dog, he could tell that it wasn't healthy. He even took pictures of the dog to give to animal control for investigation when the office opened Monday. That was even before the officer knew that neither of the animals have had their shots in at least three years!

So, you mean to tell me that you can't afford rabies shots, but you can afford three birthday parties a year?
(Or this year, two birthday parties.)

You might suggest that the birthday party is a way for them to get gifts, so really it's an investment. They get more than they put in. I can see that theory. However, before the party, this child had more than enough toys and probably even clothes as well. What she got were a lot of dolls that I'm not sure she can tell the difference between. Puzzles too old for her. Many things that will remain unopened for a year to come.

What she is doing is (possibly) starting preschool next month. She could have probably used school supplies. Even then, knowing the mother, she probably would still buy the things she wanted and not used what others bought, though.

I struggle with these issues with my niece, who is also four years old. I want to buy her every cute thing I see, but she already has more than what she could ever use or play with. One friend of my parents buys her savings bonds for each birthday. That is a good idea. We should all consider this for children, especially the children who don't have any immediate needs for necessities. The craptastic toys we buy now will not be around when they are applying to college, or need a new uniform or braces or book rental. It is just so much wiser.

Yet I only know one person who does it.

Fun with Blasphemy

Today I was driving through Indiana, and I was listening to country music. I don't normally listen to country music, but occasionally on my cross-Indiana drives, I like to, because it seems appropriate. Also, because I have my radio on scan and there are a lot of country music stations in Indiana.

My radio is scanning away and I quickly hit seek to go back to that previous station. Something was intriguing about that country song.

He wanted to have a beer with Jesus.

Of course he did.

This made me think of a story my Mom told me the other day of a tiff in a store. Two women were arguing over something their children did and one mother said to the other, "You need to get Jesus in your life!" When the arguing continued, the first mother reiterated the point with blasphemic emphasis, "I'm serious you need to fucking get Jesus in your god damned life!"

~ Scene. ~

And then I came across this gem at Payless Shoe Source (b/c I'm just classy like that).

Nothing says "Turn the other cheek" like cross brass knuckles.

Edited to add this video, which isn't blatantly blasphemous, but definitely hilarious.

*Disclaimer - I am Christian. Doesn't mean I can't appreciate irony. 

This guy... Thank you!

http://chrisbrecheen.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/changing-creepy-guy-narrative.html?m=1 

Okay, this is one of the reasons why I like to stay fat. Seriously. After being raped, I didn't want people to notice me and not in that "I need to bone you right now" kind of way, but even like this. So annoying. (Especially black men in Chicago. Seriously dude. Stop.) Kudos to this dude. So funny.

Another year older

Ten minutes before my birthday, time to cram in some self reflection.

This year, I was 35 years old.

I was a bit shocked by the number 35 because, well, it's not early thirties anymore. This is bona fide thirties. And it just sounds so... old. In just a few short minutes, I will be 36.

Holy crap.

But before I go on about the age, let me reflect on this last year.

On my birthday last year, I was cat sitting in Chicago, which is what I'm doing this year. I met up with Donna for Starbucks and later, dinner at the Himalayan restaurant. Unfortunately, this year Donna is up at the lake house so I didn't get to see her. I did see my cousins Teresa and Tricia, though, and my college friend, Nikki.

The most significant part of this year actually just happened last month. I completed teacher training. It was hard. It was difficult to get into and even more difficult to complete, but it was amazing. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel lost. I'm not struggling with figuring out what I want to do in life, where I want to live. I know that teaching is a career for me. Whether I end up in Indianapolis or in Northwest Indiana, I will have my own place to live and my own life. That is huge. I moved back in with my parents five years ago, now. That is way too long. That is the longest I've lived with them since moving out for college.

My parents have been a tremendous help, too. Not only with giving me a place to live, but also with helping me secure this position. I needed money to pay off my private loans to get my transcripts and Dad gave it to me. I needed a co-signer for the car loan, and Mom did it. They financially supported me during my training.

I am very fortunate.

I look forward to this next year of my life - this year of being 36. Of being a teacher. Of actually having a life in Indiana instead of waiting for life to happen elsewhere.

And it's midnight. I'm 36. Let's do this, 36 year old, Sabrina! You got this!

Another Ex Encounter

So I recently met up with an old sex...er, I mean ex. I was a bit nervous because...I'm not sure how to sufficiently put it into words. Part of it was I afraid I would no longer measure up to his standards. Part of it was I wasn't sure if he would measure up to my standards. And part of it was I wasn't sure if this was going to lead to sex. 

Thankfully, there was alcohol. Oh, alcohol! The libation - my salvation. Okay, not really. It's just the lubricant needed for such awkward encounters. Lubricant...

Speaking of which...

As we were lying in bed after the obligatory, "how you doing" bang, apropos of nothing, I said, "Remember when we were a couple?"

"Yeah", he replied.

"That was hilarious", I chuckled. And then we both burst into laughter.

I wish I had some life lesson to share here. Some take away from the experience. But I really don't. I think a little part of me was afraid that if I saw him, hugged him, fucked him, that I would rekindle the feelings I once had. That was not the case, and that is a GOOD THING! Part of me thought I was too old to have sex without a relationship anymore. That was not the case, and I guess that is a GOOD THING, too. I made all sorts of assumptions about myself based on a.) one bad experience in the recent past and b.) based on my new age. I guess I did have some lesson. You know what happens when you assume, right? You make an ASS out of u & me. There you have it, folks. Life lesson. No charge, it's a gift. 

New... Life

I haven't been able to post because I've been extremely busy. But to sum up:

1.) I'm in a new city
2.) I have a new car
3.) I have a new career
4.) I started a new school

I am teaching 12th grade English at a high school in Indianapolis, about three hours away from where I was living. I am also gaining credit for my master's degree. This is through a program developed for people who have degrees in something other than teaching. They teach you to be a highly effective teacher, to try and close the achievement gap in high needs schools. The program is very intensive, and I am working about 60-70 hours a week right now. After a particularly challenging end to the week Friday, I went out for drinks both Friday and Saturday. Friday, my colleague drove my car home for me. Two Cheeseburger in Paradise cocktails made me a little tingly (I literally felt tingly).

It is now just past 1:00 am and I finished one of my lesson plans for tomorrow. I have to be at school at 7:30 a.m. so for now, I bid you adieu.