Unsent Letter

In therapy, we learned that we could write letters (that we didn’t have to send) to people with whom we have unresolved issues. The letter should go;

Dear ___________,

1.) This is what happened   (ex: someone died)
2.) This is how it affected me…
3.) This is what I am thankful for… (like memories)
4.) This is how I’m going to continue my life (or if negative person, take my life back)

Sign it.

Here is my letter to one such person.

Dear Ronan,

You hurt me. You said you wanted to spend your life with me and have a child with me and then changed your mind a few days later. You blamed it on your relationship, yet when the relationship was over, you didn't come for me. You have been wishy-washy with me for years now and it hurts. When I found out about your NEW girlfriend, I cried. Not for very long, but I did cry.

You told me that we could try a relationship when yours with T--- was over; assuming I was single as well. I know I told you that if that happened, you would have to physically come get me. That was the boundary I set to protect myself – to ensure you were serious. 

Admittedly, it may seem like a tall order, but a.) it’s just a plane ride and b.) it’s for the woman you “love” and c.) it would lead to me making the bigger sacrifice of moving there. However, debating that is moot, because I don’t think you even considered it for one second. I don’t think I even entered your mind when your relationship with T--- ended despite the fact that we were emailing each other.

That’s speculation, though.

What actually happened was I needed to talk to you about something. I was going to write this letter to you and tell you about my treatment over the last two months and then I thought I could just talk to you about it. We are supposed to be friends, after all. I emailed you asking to talk and you emailed back that you didn’t “have time” because you were in a new relationship that you were quite focused on at the moment. Then typed, “What’s wrong?” Because I had said it was about me, not about me and you.

And you still “didn’t have time”. I emailed back and said I was surprised at your new relationship status given the last time we talked a.) you expected to be with T--- “two more years” b.) you didn’t consider me. I said I held no grudges because it was your life and you could do as your choose. We had made no commitments or set-in-stone plans. I told you the topic I wanted to discuss with you was my health, but that I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.  

You didn’t reply.

This has affected me by hurting my feelings. More so, though, by not being able to trust what romantic partners (or potential ones) say. Our first date you said you would “show me” how much your cared and I only half believed you, thinking I’d believe it when I see it. Well, then you did show me! My heart changed for the better and that was amazing. Then your wishy-washiness began.

But I’m not talking about 2003, I’m talking about 2014. The wishy-washiness from January to now. How one day we’re practically planning a wedding and the next we’re strangers? How do you think I will feel when someone does ask me to marry him? Do you think there will be doubt in my heart? Absolutely. When someone calls a few minutes later than they said they would, there is the fear that they are gone forever. 

But I want to reiterate the biggest thing this has done to me – made me doubt love. I can only hope that will change and if, God willing, a man does drop to his knee to ask for my hand in marriage, there will not be a doubt in my heart. Because right now, it is still there.

I am thankful for the good times we had. That spark I felt when I first saw you outside the phone booth and standing across the table from you. I hope I can feel that with someone again. 

I’m thankful for the memory of sitting in the Cottage playroom in the dark and looking at the Belfast night sky. 

I’m thankful that you remembered even more about that night than I had (when we talked in January). I’m thankful that you came back the next weekend (showing me you were for real) and bringing me flowers, a SIM card and cough drops. 

I’m thankful that you let me help you with your daughter, Emma, the first time spent the night with you.

I’m thankful for the long friendship we’ve had. The type of relationship where I feel I can share anything.

I’m thankful for the memories of what it felt like to touch your face and kiss you – make love to you. Of how after the first time, I cried because it was so emotional. 

I’m thankful that I shared my Northern Ireland experience with you. 

I’m also thankful for the experience of giggling under the sheets at the B&B when the staff came to the door. 

This is how I’m going to continue my life: I have a guarded heart, but despite everything it is still open (which I think shows how loving I am). I am actively looking for a LIFE PARTNER! I will judge him by his actions, not yours. I will let him love me completely so that when he does propose, there is no room for doubt in my heart because it is so full of love for and from him. I will look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. I will not try to understand your actions (past, present, or future). I will remember that I deserve 100% every day from my partner and accept nothing less.

Sincerely,

Sabrina

View from the other side

“I will not give you what you really need, I can’t. I am too busy trying to get what I need and deserve from you. I can give you a bit of this and that if you like, but nothing that requires honest emotional investment because I am not emotionally available. I am really just empty. I am really about smoke and mirrors. I love you so much though, I’d never hurt you. But then again, how would I know if I hurt you because I am substance addicted* and oblivious to conscience or the feelings you have anyway, you know? You, on the other hand, you are emotionally available and luckily for you, I am here to demand and take endlessly from your compassion and empathic stores of emotion. You can chase me if you like, but you won’t catch me. What will happen is that the more you chase, the more I will get you and as I get you, you will get more caught up in trying to fix me than caring about yourself. I have you right where I want you.”

*Does not have to be substance addicted – just toxic, codependent, narcissistic, etc.

From A.J. Mahari September 24, 2007

I read this and I got a pain in my chest it hit home so hard. This is about trauma bonds. We get in relationships to work out issues from past trauma in our lives. It was hard core stuff that was right on the money for me. So here's a questionnaire to answer with yes or no. 

1.) Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even though they are long gone?

2.) Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?

3.) Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you?

4.) Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?

5.) Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?

6.) Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?

7.) Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?

8.) Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?

9.) Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?

10.) Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?

11.) Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?

12.) Do you attract untrustworthy people?

13.) Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?

14.) Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?

15.) Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?

16.) When there is a constant pattern on non-performance in a relationship, do you continue to expect them to follow through anyway?

17.) Do you have repetitive, destructive fights that are no win for anybody?

18.) Do you find that others are horrified by something that has happened to you and you are not?

19.) Do you obsess about showing someone that they are wrong about you, your relationship, or their treatment of you? 

20.) Do you feel stuck because you know what the other is doing is destructive but you believe you cannot do anything about it? 

21.) Do you feel loyal to someone even though you harbor secrets that are damaging to others?

22.) Do you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you even though you do not trust, like or care for the person?

23.) Does someone's talents, charisma, or contributions cause your to overlook destructive, exploitative, or degrading acts?

24.) Do you find you cannot detach from someone even though you do n trust, like or care the person?

25.) Do you find yourself missing a relationship even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you? 

26.) Are extraordinary demands placed on your to measure up as a way to cover up exploitation? 

27.) Do you keep secret someone's destructive behavior because of all of the good they have done or the importance of their position or career?

28.) Does your relationship have contacts or promises that have been broken which you are asked to overlook?

29.) Are you attracted to "dangerous" people?

30.) Do you stay in a relationship longer than you should? 

Let's tally up your score!  You should have 0 yes answers! 

You enter into these trauma bond relationships in order to work out the issues from a past traumatic relationship in your life. You will keep on having the same relationship over and over and over again until you resolve whatever it is you need to resolve. So work on that. Get in therapy, STAT!