The Blame is on Me

I have been playing Taylor Swift songs over and over tonight. That’s never a good sign. Especially when the songs are, “I knew you were trouble” and “We are never getting back together”.

But didn’t I just post, “We are never getting back together” about a month ago? Oh yeah. And wasn’t the title of that post, “Over it”.  Mmhmm. So then it’s not about the same guy, right?

Wrong.

Fuck.

This man has the innate, uncanny ability to repeatedly break my heart a.) without even trying and b.) while not even together. He once dumped me three times without us being together in between. What?

He’s just that hurtful, and I’m just that naïve.

I was talking today about how an ex-friend of mine stole money from me several years ago. She watched me put in my PIN at the ATM, stole my card and withdrew money. It took me less than a week to have figured it out, filed a police report and have her out of my life forever.

Why was it so easy to do with theft yet so hard to do with romance? What the hell is wrong with my romantic brain? Is this person going to have steal money from me in order for me to forget about them? Stealing is just universally understood as wrong, both morally and legally. The romantic shit can be explained away by smooth talkers and memories can change history and you think what happened must not have been all that bad. Or nostalgia just makes you ache for what used to be and you want it so bad, you believe that there really will be a chance when he and his girlfriend break up. Then maybe you can work through being in different countries. Then he offhandedly emails that he’s starting a new relationship and it’s like being punched in the gut because you thought you would be the next relationship. Sure, you weren’t waiting, you were busy having hookup sex and all that, but deep down, you thought you would get back together. That you were next in line, if you wanted to be. If YOU were willing to accept that. Then you hear that you didn’t even get a vote. You weren’t even considered. The idea that you would even think such a thing was nowhere on the radar to this person. This person, who just two months ago, talked about marrying you and having kids. This person, who tried to be rational and fair and saying that he couldn’t in good faith break off his relationship just because “the heart wants what the heart wants”. The one who told you that no one had ever loved him like you had loved him and he knew that if he didn’t take this opportunity to be with you, that he would never be loved like that again.

Then the opportunity came and he didn’t even think of you. Two months later.

It’s no wonder I cried.

Yet again. Ten years after I said it was over the first time. Five years after I said it was over again. Two months after I swore I was done. I was hurt again, by the same man. Did he steal something from me after all? Did I just leave it all out there for him to take? I left it out there, that’s for sure, but he didn’t even reach for it.