Teens

This weekend was the 19th anniversary of my becoming a vegetarian. As I mentioned before, I have now been a vegetarian longer than I was a meat eater. The short story of why I became a vegetarian is this:

I couldn't disassociate the animal from the food. I wasn't fifteen, despite my posting the Taylor Swift song, but not far off - sixteen.

As I watched the Taylor Swift video, she talks about being fifteen when starting high school. I was fourteen then. And it occurred to me that there were a lot of things I did earlier than most. Not just because of where my birthday landed, but because I was just an old soul, I think. I grew up very fast. I was helping my mom with my brothers before I was even in kindergarten. So I try and give myself slack about my life now, thinking that I was an early bloomer in childhood and adolescence, so maybe I'm a late bloomer in adulthood. Marriage, children and career will come my way one day. I hope.

I also just uploaded some images to my elementary school facebook group from what would have been my 8th grade yearbook. I had already moved by then and no longer attended that school, but I got the yearbook from the school this summer, along with all the years I attended. As I looked at the teased hair and old computers, I thought about how my life would have been different had we stayed in Chicago. My mom always talked about how I would have had to take two CTA buses to high school instead of the short walk I had here, but I never really thought about what else might be different. I guess if it crossed my mind, I always thought about crime and somehow getting involved in the crime in Chicago. Interestingly, it was in the suburbs that I was raped. Since it was someone I knew, that could have happened anywhere. It can happen anywhere, regardless, really.

Aside from the rape, though, I think of Mike. I think of meeting him the summer before eighth grade. I was thinking how at the time my former classmates were smiling in those yearbook photos, I was neck deep in a romantic relationship way beyond my years. Though they seemed "older" to me because they were 'graduating' (it was a K-8 school), and I was merely in the 'middle' of a 6-12 school, my life belied my grade. Or maybe reflected it since the person I was dating did attend the same school, though that's not where we met. However, it did seem to make it more acceptable, despite the age difference. The next year when I was a freshman, he was a senior. I guess that's part of the reason this Taylor Swift song appealed to me (she mentions senior guys).

So, my freshman year was the only year we were actually like classmates. Before that, I was on the other side of the building, and my class times were all different, so I never saw him during school hours, though I did leave him notes in his locker. So freshman year, we saw each other between classes, he kept some stuff in my locker (which is like the high school equivalent of moving in, lol) and even kissed before class. My grades that year were horrible. Like failing. Clearly I had a bad, bad case of love brain. Nothing else seemed important to my freshman self. He graduated and the next year I started without him there. My grades did a complete 180. My counselor even wrote me a note to compliment me on the turnaround and encourage me to keep it up (our school counselors never did things like that). I was on cheerleading, performance choir and the school musical. After school, I had cheerleading practice and then went straight to rehearsal. I didn't get home until after 9:00 pm. Most nights he was at my house waiting for me. I still had to do my chores and homework. I still managed to do it all. Then he started complaining about my appearance, since I was in my cheerleading practice clothes and my hair and make-up for the day was long destroyed. I was indignant and knew he was wrong, which is why this Hinder video reminds me of that.

Still, somehow that year was our best year. Or maybe it was just the most emotional. For Christmas he bought me the diamond and sapphire ring that I still have. It was the pinnacle of my romantic life. Within a year, two weeks after turning sixteen, I was attacked. Our relationship was soon over. I was not the strong person depicted in the Hinder video. I was a complete mess. My grades or school activities didn't show it, but my heart and head definitely did. Like the video, though, I ended up with a completely new set of friends who were much more positive influences.

Amazing the things you go through in your teens. And the emotions you feel. The sensitivity. Sometimes you look back and think of how good it was, but don't remember the distress in your head.

I even wonder about how things might have been had my parents chose a different house. My mom will often point to a house down the street and say they almost bought that one. Or that they should've bought that one. Even though it's a block away, for a kid, that can mean a whole different set of friends. I met Mike because of our mutual friends who lived on the same block. My friend lived behind the alley from me. She knew his friend, who lived on the same street. She then met Mike, who also lived on the same street. Had I been on a different block, there would have been a different alley, a different house behind it and a different friend who lived there. How would my life have been different? I don't know. It's one of those things you wish you could see, but without changing anything. Just like watch it on a movie screen.

Which brings me back to the movie, Sliding Doors. I finally watched it. It is interesting. Without giving out too much of a spoiler, while watching it, you think that one life is better, but then you see that it's clearly not. The outcome is far worse.

So, I don't wish things were different. Not about my past. I can't. Remember, the past doesn't exist anymore. But mostly because I am still here! I still have the opportunity to make choices and live my life. There's no guarantee that any of the alternative realities would have allowed that to happen. I need to be thankful for that. Who knows, maybe this is the one I would have enthusiastically chosen if given the choice of all the different options. I can choose my next step, now. I guess I should choose wisely.