“Consider yourself forgiven.”

These words should have made me so happy. Should have been such a relief. Everything I wanted. Yet, I still felt….uncertain.

Through a whole lot of talking and thinking I’ve realized why.

I find it difficult to accept that someone will love me just for the sake of being me. I’m used to trying to help people overcome some huge emotional scar and then they are grateful to me and I feel deserving of their affection. With Ronan, however, there is no big obstacle, nothing for me to fix. He just loves me for me. Plain and simple. It’s almost too easy, it seems.

So even after my destructive act to our relationship, he loves me. I thought it would be over, no questions asked. I could more easily handle him being rightfully angry at me and trying to start over from scratch than him forgiving me the same night I cheated on him. I was prepared to face so much drama and hardship, and that was somehow comforting to me. To have it resolved so quickly, with very little ‘hardship’ seemed a bit disconcerting. Where was the drama? I hadn’t yet earned back his love or trust.

I’m glad that I’ve realized that I do deserve to be happy and that I SHOULD be loved just for the sake of being me. Uncertain no more, I’m looking forward to what the future holds.