Law School, Finally

October 19, 2017, Montgomery, AL

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I’m in law school and I’m living in Alabama. It all happened so fast. Life is funny. It’s like I got a 2^nd chance. I was accepted into University of Alabama for college and my parents begged me not to go, so I stayed home and ewent to Purdue Calumet. I ended up droppinmg out twice before I finally got it together and transferred down to West Lafayette.

                Anyhow, circumstances prevented me from going to law school for so long. Some real, some imagined.

                Finally, 17 years after graduating college, I took the LSAT. I took it in June, the last possible chance for the coming school year. My original plan was to go to IUPUI in the evening and keep my teaching job. That seemed the most sensible and required the least amount of change. I would have had to go to class M-F 5:30 – 7:30 pm and some Saturdays. I began to worry that it might be too much for me. I asked Mr. Gavia last year for his advice and he said that working full time and law school is doable – but not teaching full time and law school. Teaching is a whole other ball game.

                Speaking of ball games, the Cubs lost tonight and are out of the playoffs. They made it pretty far, but no back to back championship.

                Anyhow, back to law school. I applied to IUPUI in April, around the time I registered for the LSAT. They said they wouldn’t be able to make a decision until my score came back in July.

                Now that I was registered on LSAC (Law School Admission Council) I started to receive recruitment emails from schools all across the country. The key word that interested me was, “scholarship.” A couple of schools offered up to full tuition, so I applied there. One was Barry in Orlando, Florida. My brother, Brian, had just moved to Tamp with his family, so I thought it might be nice to be down there with them. In addition, my boyfriend, Geoff, was being (or attempted to be) persuaded by his ex to move to Florida because she wanted to move there (and the kids, of course). I thought it was kismet. Then on LSAT message boards, I saw Barry being ridiculed and found out they had some bad stats on bar passing and work. In the end, they didn’t offer me a full scholarship, so I definitely wasn’t interested.

                Another school in Arizona offered scholarship. My cousin, Teresa, lives in Arizona, so I thought thatmight be nice. After a google search, though, I found that thy were on the verge of losing their accreditation. That was a no.

                The LSAT scores came in. I got 156. It was about 67% percentile if I remember correctly. I thought it was just average. Apparently, it was better than I thought.

                I got an email from a school in Alabama with the magic words, “up to full scholarship.” Of course, I have family in Alabama. This school was in Montgomery, which was far from family (l further south) so that was a little disappointing.

                However, I had come to visit Montgomery earlier this summer during my road trip. I went to the ADAH (Alabama Department of Archives and History) for genealogy research. I only briefly drove through the town, but I thought it was nice enough. Definitely a better impression than I got of Birmingham.

                So I did a google search and there were no scandals, ridicule or accreditation issues. Their rank was lower than IUPUI, but the stats for post grad employment and bar passage rate seemed comparable.

                I emailed the place back. “Tell me more about the scholarships.” I got an email back from Director of Admissions, telling me to give him a call to discuss. So I did. 

                I remember lying down on my bed in Beech Grove (Indianapolis) during our conversation. I grabbed whatever I could to take notes. Based on my stats he said I could qualify for a full scholarship! What about living expenses? You have to take out loans for that. Oh L

                I was REALLY hoping to have room and board included like they do sometimes for undergrads.

                Full scholarship is still good, so I apply.

                I’m still waiting on IUPUI.

                Faulkner gives me the okay! Full scholarship - $39,000 a year for all three years. Awesome!

                But then panic. I have to quit my job and move over 500 miles away in less than 3 weeks! And I have to take out EVEN MORE student loans. I already have undergrad and Masters loans.

                I’m hoping IUPUI can match it. They finally admit me and give me the number - $3k scholarship of $11k tuition.

                Wah wah.

                I had already explained to them that I had another offer. When I wasn’t happy with $3k, they asked me to send them a copy of my offer letter from Faulkner so they could, “see what (they) could do.”

                There’s some back and forth and they offer $10.5k – but not of 11k – it’s for about $20k. It ends up being about 50%. This is their final offer.

                I. Am. Torn.

                I absolutely can not imagine packing up my entire life in my 2008 Dodge Caliber and moving to Alabama.

                I really don’t want to take out loans for living expenses.

                But I’m going to have to take out loans either way.

                I talk to my boss, Tamara. Her niece just graduated from IUPUI law school. She calls her on speaker to ask for her take. “Got with the full ride,” she says.

                Then my parents weigh in. Just as they did 22 years prior, they beg me not to go. My dad even texted me about it. It pushed me to the edge. I sobbed. I was completely torn.

                I remembered how I missed the chance to go to University of Alabama before. I remembered flunking out of the “safe school” I remember the unhappiness.

                So I quit my job. I packed my car. And here I am. 

Robot Restaurant - Tokyo

On my way to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, I had an overnight layover in Tokyo. I decided to get as much as I could out of it. I booked a Manga Capsule Hotel in the Shinjuku district and got tickets to the Robot Restaurant. I first heard about it on a facebook post by The Points Guy and thought, "I have got to go there" even before I knew I was going to be in Tokyo.

I walked there from the Hotel. I was using google maps on my phone and not sure if I would be able to find it. Then I turned a corner and come upon this.

Yep, think I found it! I still get that song stuck in my head sometimes.

You can take a picture with these giant robot ladies outside of the restaurant.

This is in the hallway on the way inside the restaurant.

It is cheesy, expensive and touristy, but so, so fun. At the visitor counter at the airport I got a coupon for about $20 off the ticket price. You buy tickets for the show across from the actual restaurant. There are people standing outside the ticket area with large signs advertising the show. I walked right up, gave the girl my coupon and she sent me up to the ticket desk. No frills, no fuss, just business. (i.e., this is not where you are going to ask questions about the show- they move you right along - get your questions out to the person outside trying to lure you in).

When you arrive, they put you into this mirrored room with a bar where you can purchase expensive drinks and overpriced bar food. The menus are in English, or at least are available in English. The staff speak English, or at least most of the ones who interact with customers.
You can hear the announcements being made in English.

This is the floor/stage before the lights go out.

These signs let you know that it's now or never. 

By the end of the show, I was saying, "Holy sh*t!" and was kind of relieved it was over. I didn't know how much more of it I could take. Total sensory overload. 

Now for the big girl tips: It is tight in here, very tight. I was lucky to get a front row seat, but it was in the middle of the row so there were tables and people on either side of me. I'm talking just a few inches away from each other. It makes economy class airport seating look like luxury. I was upfront with the staff about the situation and they got a person on the end to trade with me. I had asked if maybe they could just pull up a chair or something but there is no extra space anyplace on the floor. Every inch is accounted for the show. If you are in the front row, they make you practice dodging the robots at the start. And you do! There are pieces of robots and contraptions that do go right over your head.

My photos and videos leave a lot to be desired because the show is dark, and my camera isn't great with dark lighting. There are so many things I wish I could have got good video of. There was a Michael Jackson dance segment where the dancers wore glow sticks all over their bodies. It was really cool, but my photos and videos are nearly impossible to make out.

For me I had this inner battle of wanting to record/photograph everything and wanting to just soak it all up in the moment. There is so much going on at every angle. It is expensive. However, I'm glad I did it. I had a very small sliver of time open for an activity in Tokyo and this fit the bill. The district is a little shady with nudie clubs as you walk by (this is the "red light" district). However, there is enough foot traffic that I did not feel unsafe walking alone at night.

It was an awesome experience!

Do you recognize this girl?

We didn't take "selfies".  We had photo booths. You paid two or three dollars and got four chances to get it right. You would then wait a few minutes to see how it turned out. 

There was photo booth in Woodmar Mall that I loved. I took pictures with nearly every person who went there with me. It was located right outside of Carsons. I remember sitting and waiting for the pictures to print out and then waiting for them to cool down. When the machine spat them out, it also ran a fan on them to dry the ink. 

I don't remember why I went into the photo booth alone. This is the only time I've ever done that. Did I need a photo for something? I'm not sure what year this is, but it was definitely after my 15th birthday, because in another shot, I see the ring I got.

Something about this photo strikes me. I don't know exactly what it is. The eyes look sullen. The space between the eyes and cheek look sunk in. The mouth looks big for the face, the teeth look big for the mouth. Not a bad thing. Kind of Julia Roberts style. 

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is me. It doesn't look familiar to me at all. It almost looks soulless. Is this what I'm like when I have my "shields up"? 

Funny, there is a ridge between this picture and the next where I folded it. I remember doing it because the last two pictures were "bad". 

This was one of them. Apparently, I had flipped my hair to get a different look and didn't re position in time for the next picture. That's another thing about photobooths, once it started, it just kept going. You didn't press a button or anything, it would just flash.

I like the second picture so much better. I like the way my hair looks better, even though it was just flipped over to the side. I like the natural expression on my face. There are no "shields up" here. This is genuine. This person has a soul. Here is where I can see the ruby ring Mom and Dad got me for my 15th birthday. I see the skinny hands and long fingers and nails that were part of who I was. I don't remember the necklace. But I think the shirt I'm wearing is a black one with a little flower at the top that I got from the $7 store (called One Price Clothing). I remember I had a pink one just like it and Grandmother had bought me one of them when she was up here. 

The top photo I am trying to be seen as pretty/respectable. The bottom photo I am being me and I am so much than that. 

Scorpion and the fox

I'm scanning old letters for a project. And getting pissed off. I say, "why was he such a dick to me?" Geoff says, "because he was dick. Have you ever heard of the scorpion and the fox?"


Here it is told as a frog...

 The Scorpion and the Frog

  A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the 
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The 
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion 
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of 
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" 

  Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

http://www.aesopfables.com/cgi/aesop1.cgi?4&TheScorpionandtheFrog

What I Need Is Not Your Opinion

I am tired of living my life the way others want me to.

Travel too much; don’t travel enough

Date too much; don’t date enough

Put others first; put yourself first

I have lived in self-imposed exile for the last twenty plus years. I put the beliefs and feelings of others above my own for two decades. I’m sick of it. I am not doing it any longer.

I make my own money. I have a job that requires enormous emotional stamina for an amount of pay that doesn’t begin to fairly compensate, but I have an occasional week or weeks off to recharge. Telling me that doing what I want during this time is selfish? That I spent the last time off away from my boyfriend, so I should spend this time off with him? But then someone else says that my boyfriend will never have time off because he has kids, so I should forget about going anywhere ever again until they are older? Fuck that. 

I am 39 years old. I have been single for the majority of that time. I don’t have children. I don’t own a home. I only started my career three years ago. Most of this is because I was so emotionally crippled after being raped as a teenager and not getting the help and support that I needed from anyone, including my family. I finally feel like I can live again, and you want me to live the way you think I should? Fuck that.

Yes, I will take a trip to Cambodia by my fucking self. I will sleep in a capsule in Tokyo by my fucking self. I will drive to Canada without my boyfriend or his kids because he says they can’t handle the trip. I will take my boyfriend to a nice bed and breakfast with my own fucking money. I will let my boyfriend’s kids go to day care instead of watching them all day on my day off. I will stay in the fucking house because I’m tired as shit if that’s what I want to do.

I have made the choices to create this life. You didn’t have protected sex and got pregnant? Not my fucking problem. You decided to get married as a teenager? Not my fucking problem. You left your husband for the babysitter? Don’t fucking look at me.

I have worked my ass off to get through high school, college, graduate school and teacher training to get my career. Don’t look down your nose at me at how I spend my money. Don’t make comments like, “It must be nice”. You weren’t saying that when I was up all night working on my master’s thesis were you? Or when I was falling asleep in the elevator on my way to work at Taco Bell during college. Or when I was taking care of my love’s disabled mother after he died. How about when I was celibate for seven years because I didn’t think anyone could possibly find me attractive?

Oh, but I sure heard different opinions during this time.

I don’t need your opinions, I need your support.
I don’t need your judgement, I need your love.

If you can’t give me that, then I don’t need you. 

Cambodia - Hotel

I have arrived safe and sound at home the bag for my trip to Cambodia. Since there's so much to tell about the trip I figured I'd break it up into pieces. Today's blog post about the hotel. I booked the hotel on agoda.com. since it is 90 degrees in Cambodia right now I knew that air conditioning was an absolute must for my hotel stay. I was able to limit search based on that parameter. I then decided on neighborhoods based on reading various post on the Lonely Planet message board for Cambodia. Someone mentioned a couple of streets that were good for hotels and when I found one in my price range on one of those streets I booked it. the street was 208. The hotel was https://www.facebook.com/Villa-Chaktok-568942863289480/ Villa Chaktok. the price ranged from $20-30 a night, with most nights being $23.

 That amount seems super cheap to Americans but you can get a dorm bed and Cambodia for as low as $5. I could have paid a lot more and got my own private pool and other amenities. However I decided to go middle of the road. I had the comfort I wanted with a price I could afford.

The air conditioning was awesome and I was able to control it by remote control. I had a small refrigerator in the room which had a mini-bar. There was a flat screen rejection attached to the wall. There was an armoire in the room that has robes and slippers. I had a king size bed. The Wi-Fi was awesome. When I first arrived to the hotel they treated me like a queen. They helped me get my luggage from the cab and gave me a nice cold drink.

They carried my luggage upstairs to my room for me.

All very luxurious, especially by Cambodian standards.

Here are the down sides: they did not clean her room while I was there. This meant that they didn't empty the trash. Considering that you don't throw toilet paper in the toilet and have to put it in a trash can that makes for some pretty nasty trash. They would never be in the room without me being there. I don't know if this is a cultural thing or just their practice. I know that if I would have asked them to change the trash they would have done so quickly. Any time I called reception they were there within two minutes time. However I didn't feel comfortable asking them to do that.

When I went to add a night they tried to overcharge me for my room. I finally just looked it up on agoda myself and showed them the price it was a going for on that website and that's how I got my room for $23 for the rest of the time. One of the nights that I booked on agoda (before I arrived) was $20 and another one was $30 since it was a weekend night. So when I wanted to add more they wanted to charge me $30 a night. I was ready to walk away. or just book through agoda and have then pay the commission.

They don't have a pool. there are many hotels in Phnom Penh which have a pool. It is seen as an essential given the heat in the area. This is a brand new hotel, though, and according to the manager, there are plans to add a pool, along with a sky bar. There are pictures of the sky bar on their facebook page, which show that it is almost finished.

The staff was not knowledgeable about tourist information. They we're willing to google anything to find the info, but they we're not familiar with basic things, like boat rides on the Mekong River or how to get to Siem Reap.

All in all, I was very happy with my stay there. the air conditioning worked perfectly, the Wi-Fi was good and the place was clean.

Planning and Panic

I am leaving for Cambodia in just a few days. I am so excited and nervous and know that there is no turning back now!

Just to review where all the info from this trip came:
I found out about the flight through The Points Guy on Facebook. His main schtick is getting miles from credit cards, but he also posts really good air fare deals when they become available. My round trip flight from Chicago to Phnom Penh was under $450. That is the entire reason I decided to take this trip. Give me a good deal and I'm there!

Hotel -
When it came to booking a hotel in Asia, I had absolutely no clue where to begin. I first looked at AirBnB, which is what I used exclusively during my Canada road trip this summer. There were many great listings, but I realized that I didn't know enough about the city to figure out how far away the homes were from the airport or tourist attractions. My main focus on this trip is comfort and convenience. I will gladly pay more to be dropped off at the door of wherever I am going. This trip has such a fast turnaround and such immense probability of jet lag, that I don't trust my ability to navigate on my own after traveling for 39 hours (this includes my overnight in Tokyo).

Next I went to the Lonely Planet website and found the Cambodia Forum. This led me to Booking.com and Agoda. Agoda is where I booked my rooms for Phnom Penh and I booked Tokyo on Booking.com. Booking.com does have price match, so if you find your room cheaper elsewhere, they will match it. I didn't use that feature, so I can't report on that.

TSA - I did apply for pre-check from the Transportation Security Administration. The cost was $85 and lasts 5 years. I did this last month, and here in Indianapolis, I was able to get an appointment the next day. I did not do the Global Entry, though, which apparently requires an actual interview in addition to the fingerprints. When I went, the person just asked me the same questions from my online form and took my fingerprints. I don't know if Global Entry is different. I do know that it costs more and word on the street is that in some cities it is hard to get in to schedule an interview.

As for activities while in the cities, I have found ideas from Trip Advisor and Viator. Viator is apparently the same company as Trip Advisor. I would read reviews on Trip Advisor and check out prices on Viator. So far, my plan includes a Robot Cabaret Show in Tokyo.

Did I mention I am staying at an internet and manga cafe and sleeping in a capsule in Tokyo? Yeah, just going all in.

In preparation for Tokyo, I ordered Japanese Yen from my bank. It should be in tomorrow. They were not able to order Cambodian Riel. I have no idea how one would get that money here, but I read that they also widely accept and prefer the American dollar.

This summer in Canada, my debit card would not work at stores, so I am going to have my credit cards at the ready in case I run into a similar situation. I want to have many options so I don't find myself in a financial bind.

Oh, and you have to have a visa to enter Cambodia, but you can get that at the airport upon arrival. My plan was to get it ahead of time on their website but I got tripped up by having to upload the photo and not having a scanner for my passport picture, and next thing I knew, I was out of time. D'oh.

What started out as an impulse buy has definitely turned into a lot of moving pieces fitting together. I also contacted a school in Cambodia and will be spending a day there while I am there. That is one of the things I am most excited about. If I had thought of it sooner, I could have tried to arrange more meaningful for my time there. I learned at the volunteer work camps on vfp.org, but there are none going on during the week I am there.

Whenever I become overwhelmed by a big trip, I think, "Just follow the end of your nose". Putting one foot in front of the other, I will make it there.

The Series Finale of America?

The election is tomorrow. I honestly haven't given it a whole lot of thought because I didn't think Donald Trump stood a chance. I started out as a Bernie Sanders supporter. However, I went and saw Bill Clinton and Chelsea Clinton speak at the Indianapolis Clinton headquarters because it shares a parking lot with my school. After Bernie was out, there was just no other choice for me. I can't believe that he has made it this far. I really hope that after this is over, it comes out that his campaign was a joke and charade.

This video by Seth Meyers pretty much sums up how I feel.

Now as the day nears, I am actually getting a little nervous. This is the first time I've actually thought, "Oh my God, what if he won?" I just can't fathom that possibility. I hope I'm not the only one. 

Single digits

Nine days (single digits) before my trip to Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC . Finally sorted out my night in Tokyo. I'm going to be staying in a 'capsule' manga/internet cafe. Yeah. And then I'm going to the robot cabaret. Boom.

https://thepointsguy.com/2016/08/tpgtv-robot-restaurant-in-tokyo/

For the first time, I'm feeling more excited than nervous. But then when I pause and think about it, I get nervous again. 

I'm nervous about the 13 hour flight from Chicago to Tokyo. 

I'm nervous about navigating my way around Tokyo.

I'm nervous about the seven hour flight to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, from Tokyo. 

I'm nervous about not fitting in the seats on the plane, pushing into the space of the person next to me. Hoping I'll have an empty seat there. 

I'm nervous about being so tired from the traveling that I actually won't be able to do much. 

I'm excited to go someplace I've never been and someplace I've never even thought of going. 

I'm excited to see new things and share these experiences with my friends, family and students. 

I'm excited that I'm actually doing something that really seizing the day and getting the most out of the short life we have here on Earth. 

But for now, I must sleep. Work still awaits me at 7:15 am. Cuddly time for me and Chewy. 

Cambodia Panic Attack

I am trying to sort out the details of my Cambodia/Tokyo/Washington DC trip that I so bravely booked a couple of months back and I feel like I am ready to puke. What in the sam hell was I thinking? I knew it was outside of my comfort zone, but I was feeling all powerful and hopped up from my Canadian road trip, I thought, I am woman, hear me travel and all of that good stuff. And then I saw the plane seat size - 16.5 inches wide. WTF?! My ass is much larger than 16.5 inches wide.

Well, to console myself, I'm getting a hotel with a pool and a bathtub so I can chill when I arrive. Via taxi. Which I will hopefully have to myself. With air conditioning. I am the not the 20 something I once was, that's for sure!

Would I do it all again? Ronan Edition

Last night after a nice day with my boyfriend and his kids, I settled down to sleep. I had this very vivid dream. I was having a conversation in the cosmos with Ronan. Arguing/debating over whether all the hurt, drama and emotional scarring was worth the short amount of time we had together. I wondered aloud whether I would choose to do it all again. Ronan and I were discussing whether or not this would happen again in life, as if we were souls deciding our bodies' fate.

I was angry and relaying all the pain and hurt. Shouting. Crying. Indignant. Certain I would never make that mistake again. Then I remembered: the feeling of love at first sight.

I remembered how my heart skipped a beat. I remembered looking up at him when we first met outside of the phone booth in downtown Belfast. I remembered what it felt like to have my arms around his neck. I remembered it all. My eyes softened and now I was smiling through the tears. Would I want to go through life without having had that feeling? Never. So then and there my soul decided that I would make that choice again. If I were to send myself back to 2003, I would make the same choice, no regrets. All worth it for the feeling of love. 

I just wish I had more photos. 

Oh, how much I've learned. And to be clear, when I say I would do it again, I mean, I wouldn't change anything from the past. I have the choices to make in the future, and I would not put myself through more pain and hurt with this particular man because I've learned it goes nowhere. But I wouldn't take it back. 

October 25th –virginessary

This is the day I lost my virginity many years ago. Since that year, I have not had sex on this date ever again. This is not on purpose, Is it like when a ball player gets their number retired? This date is now hanging in the rafters in my bedroom? Or vagina?

We had been toying around with the notion and building up to this. Second base, third base, heavy petting, dry humping, even some real life connections between his you-know-what in my you-know-where. But on this day, it was like the heavens opened up (my vagina) and it actually went in. Since it wasn’t really planned, there was no condom involved. And since there was no condom involved, it did not last to completion. Or very long at all. It could have happened prior if we would have “forced” it, but thankfully he did not press the issue I was never one for pain. So when it finally happened, naturally, organically, I was pleased. People asked if it hurt. No. Simply because we had worked up to it. My body was prepared for it.

Unlike that time we tried anal. Son of a bitch. 

Roasting

Is it not proper decorum to get up in the middle of the night and sleep on the air mattress because your boyfriend's body heat is boiling you alive? Asking for a friend.

My poor guy is probably coming down with something. We had a nice weekend together. He cooked for me, carried my groceries upstairs and put them away. He helped me tidy up my car a bit. We had lots of snuggle time. But last night was too hot to handle. It probably doesn't help that I have a full size bed and my boyfriend is anyway hot, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge. :)

Depression has no reason

I have depression. It's not because there is something wrong with my life. It's because of chemicals in my brain. This should be clear to me especially now. I was having horrible intrusive thoughts today and yesterday. Just overall very symptomatic. Why? I have an awesome boyfriend. I have a job that pays me more than I've ever made before, that actually uses my education. I finished grad school. I have my own place and car, family and friends who love me, and a great trip to Cambodia coming up next month. There is no reason I should be depressed, yet here I am. I want answers. I want to actually have my serotonin and dopamine levels checked. I've been medicated for fourteen years and never had this done. I'm glad that I'm functional. That's better than not being functional. However, I want more. I want to be happy. I want to not have negative thoughts daily. Just really feel happy. It's that too much to ask?

Notes from a conversation with my rapist

I've talked about how, back in 2013, I got in contact with the person who raped me twenty years prior. It started with a phone conversation. A long phone conversation. I made a video right afterwards so that I could document my feelings. I would share it here but it's over 20 minutes long and I'd really like to edit it for length. Well I was cleaning out papers and apparently during that phone conversation in 2013 I was taking notes in a spiral notebook. Here is a glimpse as to what those notes looked like.

 There are things here that I didn't remember from the phone conversation and then I had it mentioned in my video. 

A priest prayed with him in jail. I don't remember anyone praying with me at the hospital. He spent a night in jail. I spent twenty years living in fear. 

Seeing these words again made my blood boil over things I had forgotten or pushed to the back of my mind. Does that mean I don't really forgive him? No, I don't think so. It means that I'm made at a society that allows a rape culture to exist. That even if the grand jury trial happened today, there would still be at least one juror who would go up to the rapist after the hearing, and just as he did twenty plus years ago, tell him, "you better watch out who you associate with". Yes, that really happened. 

O Canada

This summer I took a road trip to Canada. Earlier this year I finally got my passport renewed. It had been expired for years. I was bound and determined to make use of my new passport this summer. When I couldn't afford summer priced airfare, I decided to get in my car and drive to Canada. Niagara Falls was already on my bucket list so it's served multiple purposes. I went by myself since Geoff had to work. It was awesome. I used Airbnb for places to stay. The American dollar was worth more than the Canadian dollar so my money went farther than I expected.

On my way to Niagara Falls I stopped in Ann Arbor Michigan to stay with my brother and his family. I also stopped in London, Ontario and St. Catharines, Ontario on my way back I stopped in Hamilton Ontario and Windsor, Ontario. I stopped in Ann Arbor again to see my brother on the way back. My brother was recently married and I have a 13 year old step daughter. I met her for the first time. She introduced me to Snapchat and I played around with some of the image filters. I also spend a lot of time watching her and Brian play Pokemon go. The first day I was at my brother's house it was the day before my birthday so they got me a birthday cake and sang to me so that was fun.

In Canada some of the differences I noted included; poutine, ketchup chips, differences Kit Kats and Oreos, speed limits listed in kilometers per hour,  gas stations listing prices in liters instead of gallons, to name a few.

I was finally able to get Facebook live to work and use it for the first time while on my journey. I used it a few times throughout the trip.

Niagara Falls was breathtaking. The body ride near it was amazing and worth the wet hair! Someone gave me their tourist card that they weren't going to use any more of that day. So I got free admission to the white rapids and I got to use the buses for the day. That was really awesome.

There really is so much to tell about the trip but the main idea is I had so much fun and I'm so glad I did it. This was my first paid summer off as a teacher and I wanted to make the absolute most of it. I'm looking forward to many new adventures as this road trip has reawakened my traveling Desires. In fact, I've just booked a trip to Cambodia over Thanksgiving break. I have a layover in Tokyo and I'm super excited about all of it. Sabrina is traveling once again.

To be loved

As I lie next you and feel your arm wrapped around my waist, I smile, but then pause. For a brief moment, I remember a different time in my life. A time when I would lie awake next to someone just wishing they would love me. And they didn't. Furthermore, they made me believe that I was unlovable. Every now and again, he would accidentally put his arm around me or accidentally make some sort of intimate gesture in his sleep. I would freeze. Happy, not wanting the moment to end, I would rejoice in this show of affection, however unintentional. I would not want to move because then he might shift and the affection would be over. His arm would no longer be around me and I would no longer feel like I was loved. I would stare at him while he slept wishing for him to love me. And I stayed. Night after night. Lying next to someone who didn't love me and said and did mean things to me. I thought I was lucky to have it. Thought I was lucky anyone would allow me to sleep in their bed. That came from my own mind, but he reinforced it very well. He told me that no one would put up with me. That I wasn't attractive. That I was weird and broken. I protested, but I believed it was true, so I stayed. I waited for him to accidentally touch me in the night so I could feel, however brief, what it felt like to be loved.

And now, I have you. You love me unconditionally. My faults are the reasons you love me, not what you love me in spite of. You hold my hand in public. You kiss my forehead.  You wake up with me in the middle of the night when I have nightmares and are happy to comfort me. You've shown me that rubbing my feet isn't gross like I thought! You will put cream on any part of my body I can't reach, no matter how embarrassing it is. You would cuddle me all day and all night if we didn't have life obligations ;-) You love me. You. Love. Me. I can shift all I want in bed to get comfortable because I know as soon as I settle in, your arm is coming right around me. I know you love me. I feel loved. I know now that I was deserving this all along. I know now that I am loveable. I know now that I am not broken.

Negative is still positive, right?

What is going on?

I haven't had my period since February. Naturally concerned, I took a pregnancy test when my period was about ten days late. It was negative. Forty days later, still no period. I took another pregnancy test. I had all of this self talk going like, "You already took one, you know you're not pregnant", "Maybe it was too early when you took the last one and it didn't show up yet", "You have put on a few pounds, maybe you are", "But you always use protection", "But protection isn't 100%". I figured the only way to put all of these thoughts to rest was to take another test.

Negative. Again. I should be relieved, right?

Am I relieved?

I should be relieved. What am I thinking? I JUST SAID that I am definitely not ready for children yet. After spending time with my boyfriend's kids, I knew that was a plank I was not quite ready to walk. But before that, I was SO POSITIVE I wanted kids NOWLIKERIGHTNOW because I'm 38 years old and I don't know how much longer I will be able to have kids.

I knew it wasn't the right time. I want to be married. I want to be stable. I want to be ready.

This is a good thing, right?

Yet, still, there was disappointment. Seeing that negative result kind of stung.

Just to be sure

So now I try and look it logically. If I do want a baby, it will likely have to be within the next few years. Would I want to be pregnant in the body I have now? That would be difficult. Being overweight puts even more risk on my pregnancy, already having diabetes and advanced maternal age. Maybe I could better control my diabetes? Maybe I could be more physically fit so that pregnancy doesn't feel like prison. Sometimes I already feel like I walk and get up like a pregnant person. Would the back pain be worse? I'm sure the fatigue would knock me on my ass. The fatigue already knocks me on my ass. If I could move a couple of rings higher on the health ladder, maybe pregnancy will be more bearable for me.

That's not going to happen in fifty days. So I might as well get ready now.

I was triggered by an email from my boss

This time around I have made it a point to have a good work-life balance. This means that I don't check work email at home. However, as the school year has gone on I will let that policy slip a little bit and check email here and there. That's what happened last night when while lying in bed I checked my work email to find an email from my principal. The subject was in all caps important please read. It was about dress code. More specifically about women's dress code. Since the weather was getting warmer it said it was time to go over some of the expectations. I immediately got defensive and started to feel facing a grand jury having to explain my actions.

That day I had worn a long dress. Floor length but sleeveless. I wore a long sleeve sweater draped over my shoulder so that my arms were not exposed. However, as the day went on and the air conditioner did not seem to be working in my room I took the sweater off leaving my arms bare. Shock and horror of course. Now this in itself was a big step for me because I normally don't expose my arms at all. I never have. Even when I was skinny I was self-conscious about the fact that they were so pale. Now that I'm larger, I'm self-conscious about their size. It seems that the world did not stop spinning if my arms were showing. Except for today. I'm sure the email was not just about me. But I'm sure I was included as a focus of the email. And that just crushed me. Because I couldn't help but think but what if my arms weren't fat would it have been okay?

Another issue that was addressed was cleavage. I actually have my dress pinned together at the top so as not to show cleavage. However it's definitely not all the way up to the neck. I thought about the women who work at my school who wear traditional Muslim clothing and cover their heads, their arms and their necks. I suddenly felt very self-conscious about all that I had shown and all of my clothing throughout the year.

You wouldn't think that such a routine email could set me off so much. But PTSD is real. Having to defend my clothing, my actions, my femaleness in general just takes me back to that dark place in my life when I was a teenager who was told that I should have expected to be raped.

It affected me so much that I didn't go to work today. Then as a snowball effect I felt bad about myself for having been affected so much which made me feel even worse about myself and so on Down the Line.

I guess it was about time for this to happen. After all, I had been feeling pretty positive about myself. Pretty confident. But then I was reminded that I am a fat, strike one, woman, strike two, in a patriarchal society. It will probably always be this way, at least in my lifetime. I just hope I can get better at not letting things affect me so strongly. I'm reminded about the saying of a ship in the middle of the ocean. It is not the water that drowns the ship,

it is the water that gets in. I need to not let certain things get in. By the way, here is a picture of me in the dress.

My Life in Videos and Pictures

This is currently my favorite thing on the internet:

Just a few months ago, this would not have even made me chuckle. That's because prior to February 2016, I had never seen any part of Star Wars. 

That changed thanks to this man:

On Valentine's Day weekend, we watched Star Wars Episode IV, V and VI. A couple weeks later, we went and saw The Force Awakens in the theater. (His fourth time). We went to Studio Movie Grill, which serves dinner and drinks during the movie. That was awesome, and my boyfriend who doesn't often outwardly show excitement was genuinely excited about the whole experience.

A level of excitement I didn't see again until we went to the Dr. Who store yesterday. I have yet to see an episode of Dr. Who, but I am getting familiar with the references. 

That trip inspired me to look for Dr. Who dresses. I found these two:

But then I thought that maybe I could take my graduation dress and somehow make it into a Tardis dress with a thick black and white belt or something. 

Another video that is meaningful to me right now is this one:

And that's because it reminds me of me and my boyfriend (whose name is Geoff). Our relationship didn't start out smoothly. In fact, we ended before we really ever began. However, we stayed friends and without the pretense of a romantic relationship we were much more open and honest to each other and it just blossomed from there. In fact, I learned that I operate most of the time with high shields up around me and can keep people at arm's length. I accidentally erased the comment, but my longtime friend, Danielle, agreed with this assessment and said she felt like she was one of the very few who ever saw the real me. 

Apparently, at least one person thinks the real me shines like the sun!