It's been a week since me and ex stopped being Facebook friends. I feel strangely relieved now that he is out of my life again. Though, to most others, that's unsurprising. How do some people just bring out the worst in us? Whether it's anger, jealousy or in my case, with this ex - intense insecurity. No matter how far I th =ink I've come or how confident I think I am, just a few conversations with that ex brings me right back to the crying girl at the bus station.
What sparked this was this super vivid dream I had. It was inspired by the fantasy I had of seeing him at work and him being mesmerized by me. However, in this "real" scenario, he didn't even notice me. Worse, he met up with his girlfriend, shared public displays of affection with her as I looked on from a distance, and then picked up their toddler son from a daycare in the mall.
Still, I try to get his attention. On the lower level of the mall, there was a skating rink. There was some sort of square dance, group skate thing going on and I had to go right past him. His eyes never even moved towards me. It was so apparent how unimportant I am in his day to day life. It was heartbreaking.
I immediately woke up and reached for my phone to tell him I couldn't be Facebook friends anymore. I didn't mention the dream, but said that it wasn't healthy. He was a dick and said, "yeah, I'll wait a few hours and see if you change your mind." That just made me more determined, so I went directly to his page and unfriended and told him so. Dick again, "I'll make it so you can't contact me when you change your mind." Messenger then tells me he's no longer receiving messages. And he's blocked me. It's all for the best. I truly didn't realize how strong my feelings were until that dream. Until that dream, I didn't realize that I wanted to be a part of his day to day life, or at least part of his thoughts. But to realize I was literally the last thing on his mind was shocking.
What a wake-up call that you are on his mind only when he's scrolling his phone on the toilet when his girlfriend's asleep. Really puts your place in perspective.
And yes, Geoff. Not fair to him to have some crazy fantasy about an ex. I was feeling frustrated with him, though, which is what allowed my mind to wander in the first place. Being so far away and his inability to come visit or literally meet me halfway began to take its toll. I started to feel like I was not a top priority for Geoff, so accepting ex's scraps seemed okay.
Thank you, vivid dream, for putting things in perspective for me again. Regardless of how much love I feel from any other person, scrounging for crumbs of love is never acceptable. Especially when they may not even exist.
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