You ever have one of those moments of realization where you learn something new and it stays with you forever? I've had a few. One was in 1994, when I was at a clothes store reaching up to the top rack. I caught a side view of myself in a mirror nearby, and was like "damn, my butt is big." Another was in 1996 when I was working at a clothes store and I was walking in, caught my view in our mirrors and thought "damn my stomach isn't flabby, it's just firm". In June 2005, I was in my kitchen, with the light off, but caught an glimpse of my shadow and thought, "daaaaaaaamn that's a big old ghetto booty".
In 1992, I saw a photo of myself and thought, wow, I look thin. Strange b/c when I looked at myself and in a mirror, I didn't think that at all. The same thing when I watched a home movie in 1990. I thought "there must be something wrong with this camera, b/c it makes me look skinny." Again in '92, I saw a polaroid of myself that had just been taken and thought, "my arms look like Skeletor." Yet, even then, with the snapshot of how I looked right at that moment, I didn't see it myself.
I wonder if the image I have of myself and the image others have of me will ever be the same? Probably not, but I don't think they'll ever even come close.
At group last week, we did this self esteem exercise and at the beginning of the session, we had to rate how we felt about ourselves with 1 being the lowest form of humanity and 10 being the best anyone could possibly feel about themselves. I said a 5. We then had to go around and write different positive qualities about other members of the group and then we had our own read to us. I was surprised by some of the things people had to say about me; particularly "enthusiastic" and "fun".
If you would have asked me a year ago, I might have used those words to describe myself. However, since getting back in touch with Mike (old high school boyfriend), I have really begun to think quite the opposite. Why? Well, basically, b/c he told me so - over and over again. That I wasn't fun, I was always serious, sad, etc. You hear something five times a day every day you start to believe it. Especially when it comes from someone you think knows you better than anyone else.
Recently, though, I have started to see that what he says doesn't always reflect the truth. I have been able to see him and what he says and does the way others do. The same thing has happened with Ronan, a few months ago. Something clicked in my brain and I suddenly saw what everyone else saw and then had no desire to maintain contact or even wish for a reconciliation.
You can always see when your friend is in a bad situation. You can tell them, "he's not worth it", "you deserve better". You find it hard to understand why she would be with such a person who obviously doesn't treat her right. Yet, when it is ourselves, we can't seem to see it. I am fortunate enough to have been able to see it for myself twice now. The spell has been lifted.
And it very well may have saved my life.
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