Hope everyone was able to get some time off this
holiday weekend. I am sick (just mucous everywhere) and I've found
myself pondering (again) whether my life (specifically my job) is
going in the right direction. As you know, I am running a day care.
The owner lives on a farm in Oklahoma. I worked with her my first
week and then ran the place by myself. This week is the first time
she has been back to the daycare since I started the position. It
started off with an all staff meeting Friday night which was supposed to put all the staff (sauf moi) in line b/c we had been considering firing everyone (long story). The first half of the meeting, I led and it was a business meeting and issues were brought up according to the agenda, discussed and resolved. Her half of the meeting was everyone spilling out all their feelings, no matter what they were, so that we could start anew. Well, this turned into the "I just got a free ticket to tell my boss where to go" part of the meeting - the boss being myself. I think it is only natural for most people to have some sort of resentment towards their boss at one time or another, especially in low level jobs, where it is not understood what exactly the boss does ("well, she's not down here changing diapers, she must
be chatting to her boyfriend on the phone") and also when I have taken on a new position. The problem, though, is when the owner(my boss) indulges these urges and gives them greater creedence than I really think they merit. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I've made mistakes - but the content of this meeting and the other times they've bitched about me to the owner have to do more with things like I didn't smile and say hello or I solved a problem over the phone instead of coming in on my day off.
Anyhow, I had the long weekend to get over that and come in today to find her sitting in "my" chair in the office and essentially just running around like a chicken with its head cut off, like she always did before, leaving tornadoes of confusion and disorganization behind her. However, when we were looking at a baby girls infected genitalia trying to figure out what it was and what we should do about it I realized I had no idea what the hell I was doing. And looking at her trying to solve this, I regained the perspective that this is her dream - she had wanted to have her own day care for 14 years. She left b/c she ran herself ragged and couldn't take it anymore. Also, her husband had some health problems. But I am a mere administrator.
This is not my dream. My dream is to leave something behind that is bigger than myself and my existence - she has already done that.
Well, that's pretty much what I had to say. What is up with all these existential quarter life crises? Geez louise! I thought I had it down this time for sure. Ah well, I suppose we shall see.
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