Sunday morning

It's 5 a.m. and the newspaper is not here yet. The newspaper is usually here right after bedtime! What, is he sleeping in today or something? I've got my mind set on getting that paper before I go to sleep and at this rate, I'll be watching the sun rise.

Never mind that I, myself, never got up this early in my paper route days. Oh no, a girl needs her beauty sleep, you know? Yeah, I was lucky if I got 'em out before school started. You know, punctuality just isn't my thing. After years of trying to fit into that whole "on time" box, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not that kind of person. I have great ideas and work hard, don't get me wrong, but if I had to punch a time clock, I'd be late ten out of ten times.

And dissatisfaction - nope, can't deal with it. I can't just grin and bear things. If I'm not 100% behind something, I'm not doing it. When I was working at a clothing store, each employee had to meet a certain quota for store credit card applications. I refused to solicit them. I always made my sales goals by a mile, because I believed in the clothes, but these credit cards - no way. You can only use them at that store, they have outrageously high finance rates and even just applying puts that mark on your credit report. Other employees had no shame and would solicit the cards to people who didn't speak English, seriously learning disabled individuals, anyone whose hand they could shove a pen into.

When I worked for a community action agency who cared less about the people it served and more about getting more publicity - I stayed on for the money, following advice from employment agencies and family and friends. I hated it, didn't agree with the principles, but forced myself to go every day. This is when my body took over and said, "listen, bitch, we ain't going in today". First, I fell and was on disability for several months. After months of physical therapy and drugs, I forced myself to go back to work. A few weeks later, I was in the hospital with a fast heart rate. After I was released, I forced myself to go back. Then in the mornings, I started to have these odd symptoms like chattering teeth, chest pains and could not physically go to work. This was the onset of my anxiety. I learned a good, hard lesson from that that I won't soon forget.

So when I was chatting online to Ronan today and he carried on with his typical b.s., I knew I had enough. I was no longer 100% behind a relationship with him, and I could not go back. Not for anything. I know what the right decision for me is, but if, for some reason, I go against it, for whatever reason, my body will catch up with me and let me know that it's not right. I'm not going to let that happen for a boy. Not again. Finally I realize that the most important person in my life is me.