Ronan (not Abilify) turned me into a slut

Not Ronan, per se, but my reaction to his deciding not to be with me, yet again, this past January. I had thought it was my new medicine just increasing my sexual desire, but turns out that is not a side effect. After talking to my therapist about it (after my latest one night stand) I finally concluded that this all started after Ronan dissed me.

Now Ronan has dissed me before, don't get me wrong. That didn't lead to me sleeping with a bunch of people. But this time was different. This time, I was already vulnerable, having lost my job, living in a new city, having health problems, then losing school and the teaching program. I felt like I had lost everything I had moved to this city for. Well, in essence, I had. But that wasn't even the kicker. The kicker was that Ronan wanted to be with me AFTER his current relationship ended. I was his second choice. It was also that I was too far away. To me read: I'm not worth the travel/trouble. He didn't want to be responsible for me and/or a child if I did come over on a visa. Read: I'm not worth it.

All that was even fine and dandy. I didn't turn into a slut just yet. After that we were still supposed to be friends. As a friend, I emailed him and told him to call me, that I needed to talk to him and it wasn't about him and me, it was just about me. He emailed me back and said that he didn't have time to call me because he was busy with his NEW GIRLFRIEND! Yes, the fact that he had ended the other relationship and not considered me hurt. Yes, the thought of him with someone else hurt. But what really chapped my ass was that he knew I was having health issues and I reach out to him saying I need to talk to him about it and he DOESN'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME FOR A PHONE CONVERSATION????? Read: I'm not worth it.

Enter slutdom. I had my first affair pre-new girlfriend, but post initial diss. That was a brief affair and seemed to make me feel good enough about myself. I think I even had another brief affair pre-new gf. But post new gf, it was on like Donkey Kong in my vagina. What I hoped to gain from these trysts, I don't know. I just thought I wanted sex and that was that. Well, my friends, that is never just that. All behavior has a purpose. My purpose was to get the stench of the rejection out of my head. Because this wasn't just about Ronan, this was about me feeling not worthy. The rejection was about everyone rejecting me. But when I hooked up with someone, that person wasn't rejecting me. It was another step farther away from the scene of being curled up on the floor bawling, yet again, from the same man. I wanted to take as many steps as possible away from that scene; from that feeling; from the woman I was then.