Ah, the New Year. I feel like I should be more excited about it being New Year's Eve, or that I should have some resolutions or something in mind. I guess I just feel like Ronan when he told me today, "it's just another day, and there will be another day after that and 364 more after that." I wonder if he feels the same way about Valentine's Day....

Talked to my friend Angie today. I haven't spoken to hear since I moved to Northern Ireland. She lives just around the corner from my parents' house and I've only gotten hold of her today. Her wedding plans are set in motion, and I am to get measured by the dress shop during my time here. The bridesmaids dresses will probably be red, which is awesome, 'cause that's the color I wanted for my wedding dress, so I told Angie I'll just use this dress. Mmmhmm. Now all I need is a city permit to get married at Buckingham Fountain and a groom.

My brother, Adam, and his girlfriend, Becky, got me a $100 gift card from Borders. I went and spent all but $17 of it the other day. I got two CDs - Tracy Chapman, Collection and the Amelie Soundtrack. I got a Lonely Planet Scotland guide and Mom got a book she's been wanting for at least a year, since my aunt recommended it to her. So now I have just enough to go back and have some coffee. Yumm.

Last night, me and the fam went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel. I had the much loved french toast with maple syrup. Mmmm. There's only one place I know of in Belfast where I can get french toast served that way. It's typically not eaten as a sweet dish there. The meal ended with chocolate cobblers almost all around. I didn't realize until after the server left that I was supposed to order one even if I didn't want it so that everyone could have some of mine. Doh!

I spoke to my friend Diana the other day. We used to live in the co-op together. She's still there and was filling me in on all the scoop, but mostly we talked about traveling. She said that everything seemed to be going well for me and congratulated me on what I've done in the past year. It kind of took me back a bit, b/c I feel like I'm always getting slack for the way I'm choosing to live my life, even if it's just for this short period of time. Jason and Ronan wind me up about not having any money and not having a "proper job" and my brothers and Dad get on me about being poor and my Mom just keeps her thoughts to herself these days. The point being, that b/c of that conversation with Diana, I thought, "yeah, everything is going well." And it was nice to not have to defend my actions for once in my life!

Well, little Licorice is stinky as ever as he sits here at my feet chewing on his chew toy thingie. I get hives wherever he licks me and have started showing other symptoms of allergies. He's now not allowed upstairs in my room and I no longer pet him with my hand, I use my foot! Hey, he likes it just the same. There's a humidifier in my room as well which helps a lot. I offered to go home early, but Mom surprised me by saying she'd rather have me here than the dog. Well, the dog is still here, bless his soul.

This article from the Onion is so funny, because we have been begging work for a new mop head, and I can imagine we will have the same reaction if we ever get it!

Home is where the heart is. Which is why this is the place where you can have yours ripped out from your chest.

So here I am, back in good ol' Hammond, Indiana. And of course, I'm overstating things a bit with the above sentence. It's just that after I'm here for about a day, I remember so clearly why I moved away from here, and I'm sure my Mom remembers why she was so glad I left.

Hmm...Monday. Today we didn't have any children or groups. We won't have those again until after the New Year. We started off the morning by putting grit around and down the mountain road. Oh yes, let me back up and tell you about last night.

Last night was lovely. We went with our next door neighbor, Christopher, to Belfast Super Bowl, where I educated the guy behind the counter about how your shoe size is the length from the inside of your elbow to your wrist. Mmmhmm. He'll carry that with him forever now. I'm just about spreading the love. So, bowling was cool. We had some Coke, some chocolate, bowled a bit and watched as the people a couple lanes down got their ball stuck in the gutter (it just stopped rolling) and then got four more balls stuck there trying to get that one out. Didn't they see that coming? I mean, really. Anyhow, the guy I mentioned earlier had to come and walk down the alley to kick the balls back up to them. Heh, he kicked their balls...

Anyhow, after bowling, we went to Pizza Hut, where we delved into the Big New Yorker Pizza, pepsis all around, and even do it yourself sundaes. Yummy. It was really nice. While we were tintillating our tastebuds, we noticed that it was snowing outside. Aww, it looks so pretty, we said, as we sat in the warm and dry restaurant.

Nice and full, we find our way back to the van and head back towards the mountain. All except the driver sit at the back of the bus to keep weight back there to reduce the risk of spinning out, or something like that. All is fine and dandy until we get to the mountain. We tried in vain to make any headway in the bus. It just went in every direction except the one we wanted. We parked it and started hiking up the mountain. There were kids out sledding down the street. It was actually difficult to even walk on. Christopher phones up to the mountain and we find out that the other side has been salted, so we go back to the bus and make our way around there. Another go, another stop. We park again and make our way this side of the mountain. No people here, folks. Anyhow, long story short, we walked up most of the way and a helpful mountaineer gave us a lift the rest of the way.

Getting back to the point, this morning, we all put grit on the road and now it is just fine and dandy. We had to get the buses through because we were delivering hampers (packages of food) and gifts to our families. I went and picked up my medicine and dropped off some film at the chemist, Peter picked up his girlfriend from the bus station and Eva and Suz are out shopping for presents.

Ronan phoned me today. He is in Florida on holiday with his family (all twelve of them - it's extended fam as well). He told me the ridiculous things he had to do at the security checkpoints and it's making me a bit more nervous about my flight to Chicago on Wednesday. Ah well, it'll all be worth it when I get there.

He also told me that it is 71 degrees there in Orlando. Somehow I don't think that will be the temperature in Chicago....

I tell you how I feel
but you don’t care
I say tell me the truth
but you don’t dare

You say love is a hell you can not bear
I say give me mine back
and then go there
for all I care

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds
and you’re not at all what you seem
This mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled
by your deviant ways

So don’t forget what I told you
Don’t come around
I’ve got my own hell to raise

I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
first you run like a fool just to be at my side
and now you run like a fool but you just run to hide and I can’t abide

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds
and you’re not at all what you seem
This mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled
by your deviant ways

So don’t forget what I told you
Don’t come around
I’ve got my own hell to raise

Don’t make it a big deal
Don’t be so sensitive
We’re not playing a game anymore
You don’t have to be so defensive

Don’t you plead me your case
Don’t bother to explain
Don’t even show me your face
‘cause it’s a crying shame
just go back to the rock
from under which you came
take the sorrow you gave
and all the stakes you claim…

and don’t forget the blame

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds
and you’re not at all what you seem
This mind, this body and this voice cannot be stifled
by your deviant ways

So don’t forget what I told you
Don’t come around
I’ve got my own hell to raise

Fiona Apple, Sleep to Dream

I was screaming in my sleep last night. I don’t remember what I said or of what I was dreaming, but I screamed on more than one occasion. I woke myself up doing this, in addition to waking Peter in the next room. I’m never in a good place when I end up screaming in my sleep. I’ve been a bit emotional lately with all the changes in relationships, work and here at the house. I guess that’s what it’s about.

I dreamt that Jason told me he loved me. This is in direct connection with me almost telling him I loved him on Friday and him stopping me, telling me not to say it, and practically running out of the room. In this dream, we were in the same situation, but he leaned over and whispered it in my ear. It was beautiful.

I also woke up in the night and wrote something down that I thought was very important. It had to do with God (being he or she) and the spirit within each of us. I’ll have to have a look at it and see if makes any sense to me now.

We were up until 3:30 a.m. last night. Well, that’s when I went to bed anyways. It’s our last weekend together as a group, so we were just having a laugh, a chat, and remiiniscing a bit. Good fun. Oh and it snowed last night. Didn’t last long, though, before it turned to rain. It was pretty while it lasted, though.

Tonight we are going bowling with Christopher, our next door neighbor, and then out for some pizza. Should be good fun. Christopher reminds me so much of my brother, Adam, when he was that age (14). It’s nice to have him around.

I just sent off my Christmas cards. They’ll be late, alright, but they’ll be there, and that’s what matters to me! During my shopping trip yesterday, the most expensive things I bought were the stamps and my photos. Crazy.

I went to the Belfast Youth Hostel yesterday. It is really nice in there. I was waiting around for Jason to get back from his shopping so we could hang out, so I was trying to keep myself occupied. It is quite nice, indeed, and they do the Giant’s Causeway tour on Sundays as well. I had considered doing it today, but after what I spent yesterday and adding up my phone bill, I realized that I couldn’t afford it! I’ll make it to Giant’s Causeway one day!

In the end, I gave up on waiting for Jason and just took a taxi home. He phoned me and said he was going to a poker game later that evening, which found its way into my dreams. I dreamt I was at the table in that poker game and the stakes were high. I had a lot of money in front of me. The cards were not normal playing cards, but pictures of women. I didn’t know exactly how it all went, but my partner, who was quite experienced and serious about this (also whom I didn’t know) warned me to not say anything and to definitely not show my hand (yet). In the end, I won, but I wasn’t sure how and I didn’t know what I had won.

Christmas shopping! Yippee! Nothing puts me in the spirit more than spending money on the most important people in my life, beginning with myself! I bought a skirt to wear on New Year’s Eve, a top I may or may not wear with it, a ring, earrings, oh and stuff for other people, too! ;-)

Peter is our own St. Nicholas up here on the mountain. He put up Christmas decorations earlier in the week and just finished decorating our tree and starting a fire for us here in the living room. (In the fireplace, of course!)

I also finally got some stamps and air mail stickers to send my Christmas cards. Sure, they’ll be late, but they’ll just stretch out that Christmas joy.

I got two rolls of film developed today. They cost a bloody fortune b/c I got them one hour, but if I had done it any other way, I may not have gotten them before I go home. Anyhow, a mix of photos from here at the Cottage, my summer in England and my parents’ house in Hammond.

Of course I’ve learned a lot from my work here in Belfast, but I also learn about other cultures and practices from my roommates. For example, I learned that December 6th is St. Nikolaus day. People put their boots outside their bedroom door and St. Nikolaus come around and puts small gifts in them. St. Nikolaus also has a sidekick called Knecht Rupreche who beats the children who were bad this year. So, on the 6th you get some small presents. Eva’s mum sent her a package for this holiday that was filled with chocolates. Yummy.

Oh and Happy Hannukah to everyone. May all have a good night.

THE PROMISE, Tracy Chapman

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart


If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart


Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting


If you dream of me
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart


Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting


I've longed for you
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are


Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting


Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me


And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.

Santa came to visit...and the children cried.

To be more accurate, the children screamed in terror and clutched their mothers for dear life.

Why, oh why, do we do this to our kids?

There were happy moments, though. This one wee baby, who was all dolled up for the occassion was all smiles for Santa and such a ham for all the cameras. So cute. And then the children started to come around and we all laughed and clapped and had good fun. And by we, I mean the adults. The other day my co-worker and I were talking about how Christmas is for the children and how Christmas is no fun without them. But that's exactly it, isn't it? It's no fun for us, the adults, without children there. We spend so much time and money to make Christmas "perfect" for the wee ones, but they would often be happy enough to just play with the box!

I get a lot of ideas from television.

This may seem a bit odd, but I learned a lot about how to act in all types of relationships based on what I have seen on TV. For example, when I was in my first 'real' relationship when I was a teenager, I slapped my boyfriend across the face because that is what I had seen done over and over again to a man who had said something inappropriate or hurtful. Mostly this was in soap operas, but I'm sure you can see what I mean.

I had no idea how I was supposed to act in this relationship. It was my first. I couldn't exactly base it on my Mom and Dad b/c they were just way too old, right? So, TV it was.

Because TV had also shown a good amount of accepted violence towards women, I accepted that as normal as well. When my Mom gasped at the sight of marks on my arms from my boyfriend picking me up and shaking me, I couldn't understand what the big deal was. I'll never forget the clarification in my head when she asked, "what if you saw your Dad doing that to me?" I knew then that it was not right, that it would never be right under any circumstances.

Since then, I have scaled back my television viewing. I didn't even own a television for the past few years. Recently, though, I've caught some shows here in there as I walk into the living room and the TV just happens to be on. I've again started getting ideas. Today, for example, I watched the show 'Bachelor's Walk'. After a woman's weekend trip to Paris with her boss, the man discloses that he kissed another woman while she was away. She, in turn, confesses that she slept with her boss. The man goes ballistic, and after much crying, talking and fighting, he comes up with a solution. They break up for awhile - six months. He can get over this and not torture her and then they can spend the rest of their lives happily ever after. The show then shows four months later, and it seems like this plan will work! It's actually not the only time I've seen this plan done on TV. Though, the other time it was on a documentary.

Anyhow, I got to thinking about me and Ronan. For those who don't know, I kissed Jason when I was with Ronan. He was mad, but forgave me. However, he didn't really get over it which ultimately led to the end of our relationship. Now if this 'break' plan works for the folks on TV, could it work for us? Six months from now will Ronan come and sweep me off my feet all over again? What do you think?

Well, I guess it has a better chance of working than us slapping each other. :-)

I'll be home for Christmas.

December 24th at about 6:45 p.m. my plane should be landing in Chicago. So many things I want to do, so many people I want to see. Yet, somehow, I have mixed feelings about returning home, even for just a short holiday visit. I'm very excited about seeing my family, shopping at thrift stores with Mom, meeting the new pup, Licorice.

The two lives are so different from one another, it forms such a juxtaposition that it seems difficult to reconcile them as both being my own. It’s like parallel universes. There is always an adjustment period when I settle in somewhere, whether it be Hammond, Chicago, London or Belfast. I’ve just never flown home (meaning Hammond, where my parents live) from across the pond for a short visit. I feel like I might become a bit confused. Lately, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I think that I am back in my old room in Hammond and that Mom and Brian are just downstairs. I have to take a look around, think about the position of my bed and the room around me and after a minute, I realize where I am and what I’m doing there. It is a bit disconcerting at times, though at others times it can be a treat, like a short visit home without ever leaving my bed.

So, as the date of visit draws near, confusion and concern is being replaced with happiness and excitement. I am growing more comfortable with the idea and am looking forward to doing the things I enjoy in Hammond, like seeing my family, of course, thrift shopping with Mom (that includes the Dollar Store!), having an abundance of casual dining restaurants where friends can chat for extended periods of time, knowing the streets around me, having memories at every turn, seeing people who have known me since I was 11 years old. These things are the parts I will enjoy during a short visit. Sometimes, those latter things are what makes me not want to be in Hammond, but for a visit, it’s alright.

I’m also excited to hit the ground running in starting a non profit in Hammond. I have people to talk to, information to find out, places to see, plans to make.

Hammond is a part of me, a part of my life. It does not define me, though, so I no longer feel the need to shun it. I may not choose to live there, but at this point in my life I have not chosen to live anywhere for any significant length of time. I guess this means I have no choice but to learn to get used to juxtapositions, change and moving around.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm still working on the following post, but if you have any relevant links or information in the meantime, please let me know - sabrighta@aol.com I'm especially looking for that research study that interviewed sex offenders in prison, showed them video of various women walking in the streets and asked which would they more likely attack. Instead of choosing the stereotypical women in miniskirt, they chose the more plain women who walked without much confidence. I read the study, but I can't remember who ran it.
http://www.austdvclearinghouse.unsw.edu.au/Conference%20papers/Exp-horiz/Jordan.pdf
Women are seen as dangerous and must be covered up lest they evoke improper or uncontrollable impulses in men. Is this why a woman wearing a miniskirt walking alone at night is seen as 'asking for it' if she is attacked? She's showing her body, she's out at night, by herself, this presents any man with such an overpowering urge that he couldn't possibly be expected to be held responsible for it. That is the belief.

In the Indian film, Fire, a man tests his commitment to God by the temptation of having sex with his wife.

The Muslim religion requires that a woman cover her head with a scarf.

Today it has been 21 years since MoMo, (my maternal Grandmother), died. She was 41. My mother sometimes tells me that I’m like her, especially in regards to my travels. She was a free spirit, indeed, but I wonder how much of the other traits of her I have. She had bouts of depression and was in several abusive relationships. From what I hear, she really lacked stability of any sort. My mother would come home from her friend’s house only to find that her mom had moved to another apartment. People may tell me I have “issues” when I explain that I do certain things because of something in my past, or that I don’t want to do something because it might make me anxious or depressed, but I really think that everyone has their own “issues”, and I just know what mine are. I know what I have to do or not do to keep myself mentally balanced. I see no problem with that. Maybe if MoMo had known, maybe if there were the right medications back then, maybe we would’ve been even more alike.

Every now and again, especially if I’m going through a hard time, I feel her presence. I really feel like she helps to guide me. Maybe now she is able to help me keep my free spirit positive. Or maybe I’ve just learned from her mistakes, and her accomplishments.

The last time I saw her, she was in the hospital. I was only a child, but somehow I knew that this would be the last time I would see her. I cried and cried when it was time to leave.

She was so young when she died, but she did live quite a life. Just looking at the photos of where she’s been and what she’s done has made me come to that conclusion. Four children and five granchildren (at the time of her passing). That alone is quite a legacy. But I am very sure that she came across so many people and left such a mark on their lives that she will not soon be forgotten.

Martha Jo, thank you.

I don’t want to be the crying girl at the bus station ever again.

When I was in college, I used to take the Greyhound bus whenever I would go home for visits. One of the staples of a Greyhound bus station is the crying girl. The crying girl has come to visit her boyfriend and has, in turn, been dumped by him. Said boyfriend, with an obligingly sorry/guilty look on his face, dutifully drops her back at the bus station to send her on her way.

I always noticed crying girl and I always thought about how working class the whole situation was. While bus travel on this side of the ocean doesn’t seem to carry the same stigma, in America it really is the lowest of the low.

So, when I decided to be a good girlfriend back in December of 2000 and take the bus down to Kokomo, Indiana (to save him the drive there and back) to visit my college boyfriend, I really didn’t expect that in a few short days, I, too, would fill the post of crying girl. I never anticipated that he would dump me on New Year’s Eve and send me off on the next bus home.

Three years later, having finished college, started a career and moved to another country, I hadn’t thought about crying girl in a long time.

I moved to Belfast, met a wonderful man, fell in love, and looked forward to every weekend when we would meet again. At first, he drove to Belfast each week. Then, I took the bus to Derry. I met his family: parents, sister, daughter. I also met his friends. We had a great time and planned to meet in Derry again the following weekend.

I never saw the crying girl coming.

The next weekend, (as in this weekend), I was all geared up to spend the night with him and his daughter. It was the first time he was caring for her overnight on his own. Things did not start off well, as he told me at the last minute that I could not come because his mother was not comfortable with me staying the night there (he lives with his parents) while his parents were away (they were going out of town) and he was not able to arrange for other accommodation for me (presumably at one of his friends’ houses). He was annoyed at my annoyance and hung up on me after saying that I didn’t “have to be so cheeky about it”. After I got over my intial perturbed state, I remembered how important this evening was for him and how much I really wanted to be a part of it. I phoned him back and told him of my plan to help with the baby, and once she was asleep, go sleep at a local hostel. After he agreed with this plan, I hurriedly prepared for my journey. After two and a half hours on the bus, I arrive. He and his friend, Connor, meet me at the bus station and when I remind Ronan that we have to swing by the hostel so I can pick up my key, he informs me the plan has changed. He doesn’t specify what the plan is, but I later found it is to just disobey mum and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Whatever. This puts me in the precarious position of having to lie to his parents, but more about that some other time.

His daughter arrives and is in quite a state because she had shots in both of her arms earlier in the day and she also had a cold. He, his sister, and her friends all have tries at calming her, but to no avail. I eventually get her to sleep after much ado. As she is only a wee baby, she wakes up in the middle of the night, and after a change and a feed, I get her to sleep again. He thanks me for my help and says he doesn’t know what he would’ve done without me there. A few short hours later, the baby awakes again, same process repeat. A few hours after that, she goes home to her mum’s. A couple hours later, he dumps me.

What happened? Well, I ask myself the same question even now. Here is a run down of what happened after the baby went home.

We are laying on his bed watching television. I ask what we are going to do today. He wants to watch four hours of pre-game football coverage followed by the match itself, which he’s actually not sure is televised. I’m happy enough to stay in and watch football with him all day.

Then his friend, Stephen, calls. It is Stephen’s birthday. Ronan forgot. They are to go out that evening, as they do every year. No girls allowed.

What am I going to do?, Ronan asks me. I say that I’m happy enough to stay at his place while he goes out (departing at an early 6:00 p.m., I might add). No, not a possibility because the parents won’t allow it. Okay, I say, well, I’ll actually stay at the hostel tonight and see the sights of Derry while he’s away. Nope, he doesn’t want me to do that, either. OOOOOkay, well that kind of limits the options, doesn’t it? I guess I’ll just have to go back home to Belfast. It is maybe 1:00 p.m. at this point and I arrived at 7:30 p.m. the night before, spending the whole night taking care of his daughter. I am, admittedly, annoyed. He is upset that I’m annoyed and this spirals into he doesn’t think we should be together because a.) we fight too much b.) I’m too clingy (he “couldn’t be arsed” to explain which of my actions would be defined as clingy).

Well, his decision made, I have no choice but to ask for a lift back to the bus station and once again take on the role of crying girl.

This time, though, I didn’t resent the role. I kept thinking of that song, The Rose, which says the heart afraid of breaking never gets to love (or something like that). I gave my all, he didn’t want it, end of story. I accepted this more and more as I waited for the bus, on the long journey home, and as I made my way home from the bus station in Belfast. The crying ceased. I accepted it was over.

Less than an hour after I arrive home, Ronan phones. He says he was an idiot, he’s sorry, he made a mistake and he’d like to rectify that mistake. I say I’m not sure. He says I can think about it and he’ll phone me tomorrow (which is today).

Today on the phone, he is very short, curt and guarded. My questions annoy him. He hangs up on me. (he later said his battery died). The actions of someone who wants to get back together? Not likely. I have no idea what changed his mind or even what made him decide to end the relationship in the first place. He said he couldn’t explain. He said I was overanalyzing and then his battery died.

Somehow, despite my not accepting his apology and not taking him back, he has managed to dump me again. Wow, now that is indeed impressive.

So he phoned again, said now he’s not sure. I said I can’t take this. He said then I know what I need to do. I explain, no, it’s the up and down that I can’t take. He has to go, he’ll call me later. So again, I wait.

Now, if this does indeed come to an end, I will have to go through the emotions over again. I will have to start all over. Once again, I will be the crying girl

“Consider yourself forgiven.”

These words should have made me so happy. Should have been such a relief. Everything I wanted. Yet, I still felt….uncertain.

Through a whole lot of talking and thinking I’ve realized why.

I find it difficult to accept that someone will love me just for the sake of being me. I’m used to trying to help people overcome some huge emotional scar and then they are grateful to me and I feel deserving of their affection. With Ronan, however, there is no big obstacle, nothing for me to fix. He just loves me for me. Plain and simple. It’s almost too easy, it seems.

So even after my destructive act to our relationship, he loves me. I thought it would be over, no questions asked. I could more easily handle him being rightfully angry at me and trying to start over from scratch than him forgiving me the same night I cheated on him. I was prepared to face so much drama and hardship, and that was somehow comforting to me. To have it resolved so quickly, with very little ‘hardship’ seemed a bit disconcerting. Where was the drama? I hadn’t yet earned back his love or trust.

I’m glad that I’ve realized that I do deserve to be happy and that I SHOULD be loved just for the sake of being me. Uncertain no more, I’m looking forward to what the future holds.

I’m beginning to realize I’m not the messy one in this house. I may have been labeled as such, and believe you me, I can make a mess alright, but I keep it confined to my room. I’ve long known that I’ve been the scapegoat for messiness here, but I accepted it as a fact of life and moved on. However, as I clean (which is always in secret when no one else is around) the common areas, funnily enough, none of the stray dishes, papers or left over food is mine. I don’t know if it’s any one person in particular’s but I have a sneaking suspicion it is a little bit of everyone. So if everyone is messy, how did I become crowned Queen o’ Mess?

Living together is hard. Living together with three other people in a small space is very hard. Add in the fact that you did not choose to live with these people, they were thrown at you at random, and that you also work together, and you’ve got one difficult situation. It’s hard to share the bathroom, the washing machine, and let’s not even get into the rows over the phone and the computer. Yet, somehow, cleaning is always the softest spot.

There is an adage in communication studies that says every interaction has two dimensions; content and relationship. Content is what is actually being said, or the actual problem being discussed. Relationship is what it really represents. For example, often when someone is thought of as ‘messy’ they are also thought of as ‘irresponsible’ or ‘unreliable’. The content is the mess, the relationship is the unreliability, or more accurately, they are personally disrespecting you by not cleaning their share, thus making your workload more. See the big difference? Suddenly, that pile of dirty dishes feels like a knife in your back. (no pun intended)

So why do I allow myself to be the scapegoat of mess? A simple (and fair) question with a not so simple answer. I guess the short answer is; it’s easy. I may not be the messy one around here, but I’m not the cleanest either, and I believe in the glass houses proverb. And while I may not be the messiest one about, I still have a lot to learn about the politics of cleaning. In the meantime, though, I’ll quietly do my bit while you are at the pub or shopping at the Gap. Remember the teacups you have let gather around the computer for the past week? Of course you don’t, which is why you won’t notice when I clean them away. Or how about your plates from dinner last night that you left sitting in the living room? Nope, doesn’t ring a bell, which is why you have no idea that I cleaned up after all three of you. That cake pan from when two of you baked last week; yeah that must have slipped your mind as well, because you’ll have no idea the time I spent scrubbing it while you were away.

So, I’ll quietly do my share, keep cleaning, but not too much so that you’ll notice, but just enough to keep it tidy. And I’ll keep being your scapegoat, too. Anything I can do to make this difficult living situation just that bit easier. Yep, so don’t mind if I lose my temper when you want to use the computer and I’ve only just sat down. It’s not really about the computer, after all…

I want to go back to Chicago and work as a District Manager for Deb Shops. I love the children here, I really do, but I am feeling less and less challenged each day. Perhaps challenged is the wrong word. Like I’ve said, I came here to learn to gather information and experience to help me in founding a non profit organization. I’ve learned. I’ve learned a lot. Now I want to learn something new.

Ronan says I would be no fun at a Christmas party. He says I’m too serious and too “in charge”. I guess it’s a good thing he’s going to be away at Christmas…

As for me, I will probably be here in Northern Ireland for Christmas. The fare to go home (and back) is $437.50. Not exactly the $200 I told my mom it would be. Oh well. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, but it doesn’t matter around these parts. Most people have never heard of it. Or if they have, they don’t care much about it. It is a strictly American holiday. Trying to soak up some Thanksgiving cheer, I phoned my mom today and asked, “so are you all ready for Thanksgiving?” She replied with an unenthusiastic, “well, I guess; I got a turkey.” Ahh, the holidays.

Another day, another chest infection.

You know, people always get annoyed with me for using the timer on the oven. It could be because I don’t hear it when it goes off….Well, if I didn’t use it, I would forget about the food altogether, and so would everyone else until the house began to fill with smoke. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe those who get annoyed with me realize that and not only are they annoyed at the buzzer, but at the fact that I need it in the first place, because they think, “who could forget about food ten minutes after sticking it in the oven?” Who knows.

The Internet is being particularly bothersome right now. Maybe it’s just my computer or my connection, but nonetheless, it is quite annoying. At the doctor’s office today, their computers were down and they didn’t know what to do with themselves. We have become so reliant on these things, it is a bit scary.

I am excited to say that I believe I have a clearer picture in my mind of the non profit association I want to create. It will be in Hammond, Indiana. It will be based on the concept of the Citizen’s Advice Bureau that they have here in the UK. Anyone can come in with any questions or concerns. If they need advice about benefits or how to go about adopting a child (that’s an example from a TV show) or how to register to vote or whatever. They just pop in. We have nothing like that in America. Or at least not in the part of America with which I am familiar.

I’m feeling a bit stagnant at the moment. Maybe I am just not meant for permanence. I mean, I am here volunteering to learn. To learn more about the needs and what resources there are to meet them. I’ve learned a lot here. I now feel confident in my job. Suddenly, I want to move on.

I have been sick most of the time I've been here. I have read things written by past long term Northern Ireland volunteers who said they were sick for the first four months they were here. I think I am very much going down that road. On Wednesday night, I swore I was pregnant b/c I had never been so sick in my life. When I finally got over that, I discovered that I had a cold! What the hay, man!

My female roommates have taken to using the 'f' word repeatedly many times in any one sentence. I keep hearing someone yelling 'f*ck off'!

Just got off the phone with Jay. I don’t know how or what I feel right now, but it’s something. He mentioned being uncomfortable about coming here now that Ronan is in the picture, yet talks like he’s totally fine about everything. I mean, as he should be. After all, it was he who did not have the ‘deeper’ feelings for me. Yet, why do I care? Why am I even thinking about this all in the first place? It was really important to me that we hang out today, b/c it would actually be the first time we saw each other since I met Ronan. That, to me, was an important step in our friendship. Getting past that point. Getting past the awkwardness, getting used to the fact that we no longer kiss goodbye, that our hugs are different, that we won’t be having sex…..

But we didn’t hang out today. Maybe next week. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. He was insistent on us being friends, and I quickly came around to share this opinion. All the bullshit aside, we are friends and I want us to stay that way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am out of cough drops and that does not make me happy. Ronan was nice enough to bring me two packets, which I have used all up! You see, now, if I were at home I could just mosey on down to one of several twenty four hour Walgreens’ locations and rectify the situation, but no, I am atop a mountain with no car and very few venues from which to choose. One Tesco on the other side of Belfast and a few petrol stations are all that are open at this time on a Sunday in Belfast. I really am a city girl.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to scan the photo of Ronan and me at the mall, but the scanner in the Cottage is having issues. I’ll have to have Peter take a look at it. Don’t think he’ll be hopping right to it, though, so it could be awhile before I get that photo on here.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I really want to get my first aid certificate. I have some information I collected off hotcourses ages ago, so I need to follow that up with some phone calls and a chat with Sharon. I also need to find out the dates of the newspaper crafts course at the Play Resource. I got that one all cleared with Sharon, but now I can’t find the course listing. Speaking of which, I can’t find the SIM card Ronan brought for me this weekend. I was messing around with my phone and wanted to give it another go, only to find (to my despair) that the SIM card was not in its little packet. I thought maybe Ronan had taken it with him for some reason, but he said he hadn’t, so I checked on the table and the floor around there, but to no avail. How annoying.

Peter, Eva and some other random German people are sitting in the kitchen speaking German. I walked in the room and they all stopped talking suddenly. That’s not unnerving or anything….

Previous November entries

I'm falling in love. I know, I know, it's all happening so quickly and maybe I'm moving too fast, but you know what? 1.) I don't care and 2.) I can't help it. Ronan was here this weekend and we had an absolutely great time together. We went to Castlecourt shopping centre here in Belfast and I was over the moon. It was just like a proper American shopping mall, with all the hustle and bustle to go with it. After (earlier) telling me that he didn't like to go shopping, he happily went around with me to various shops in the mall, proclaiming that a.) he liked shopping with ME and b.) I went to interesting shops. Well, okay, it is early on in the relationship, so he could be humoring me, but in my defense, I did not take him to clothing shops where all he could do was stand there looking bored.

Before that, though, we went to Maggie May's on the Botanic to have breakfast. I, again, was happy to partake in American fare that I've missed: french toast with maple syrup. Yummy to my tummy. Before that, we spent about an hour driving around Belfast looking for a place to eat. Thankfully, there was a very helpful woman at the Shell gas station who seemed to know Belfast very well and strongly recommended Maggie May's for breakfast fare and gave us turn by turn directions. Lovely.

Okay, so I'm going on and on, but I just have to say that he brought me flowers and a bear in addition to a SIM card for my phone. Now, I have not received flowers from a man since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, that's pretty bad, but I digress. We also took our photo in one of those photo booths at the mall, which was really cute and fun. Those booths are a little bit of privacy in an otherwise crowded place...

Ah yes, it has been a good weekend. I caught up on my sleep after he left yesterday evening and can now do the mundane tasks of laundry and dishes.

Maybe I'll type more later, but I've hogged the computer enough for the time being, so I'm away. Ta ta. :-)

Meeting Ronan

November 16, 2003 - 7:03 p.m.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Never in my life, I think, has complete and utter fatigue and exhaustion felt so good. Mmmmm….. His name is Ronan. Ronan John-Paul Campbell. I feel a bit silly typing this here, now. It is just a sort of elation that when tried to be expressed in words comes off as….cheesy, foolish…..oh, but it is, and that’s the great thing about it. He told me the ‘story’ of our first date in fairy tale format. Aww, so sweet. It seems absolutely daft now to have settled for less for so long before. He says he’ll show me, he says I’ll learn. Learn not to worry what his motives are, if he really means what he says, if he really is as wonderful as he seems. Lead the way, darling, I’m ready. 


This is pasted in from my old geocities page. 

Blogging

November 7, 2003 - 12:33 a.m.
I have been reading some other blogs and I hate to say, but they all seem like angry people. I mean, I know I winge and moan a lot on my site, but I don't think I ever come across as hateful, do I? When I do complain, it's not hateful towards other people, is it? It's usually about mundane things or my clumsiness or PMS or something. I don't know. I really hope that I am not as bitter as some of the folks whose words I've been reading this evening. I want my site to be a happy site! ;-) Sure, I'll have a rant now and again, but honestly, I don't want to be seen as a downer who can't stand the outside world so much that she lives on the computer. I also don't want to seem like someone who looks down their nose at everyone else or a whiny teenager who believes that 'they just don't get it!' I guess that is the theme I've found in the blogs which I perused and I don't want to be perceived that way.
Oh, today is Danielle's birthday. I have no idea how to get hold of her these days. I've resorted to writing her Mom a letter at work (as it is the only address I know for her) to track her down. I haven't gotten around to mailing it yet. One step at a time (with a super large gap in between!;-)
Hope all is well with everyone! Lots of love, Sabrina :-)

5:49 p.m. - Dreamt about Taco Bell again last night. Previously, I had recurring dreams about high school, now Taco Bell! Am I just going to keep going through the phases of my life in dream land? I was making a steak burrito supreme and I vaguely remembered the ingredients. One of the teenagers from the family center was working there as well. She said something about the wrapper I was using, and I said, “I know it’s in the wrong wrapper, it’s not that big of a deal.”
I missed work today due to sickness. Yeah, I still had cramps, but it was more the not being able to stand up for extended periods of time and nausea that got me today. I wanted to take a shower, but I just couldn’t stand up that long. After many, many more hours of sleep, I was then able to stand up long enough to complete the shower task. As I looked at my grubby, dirty self in the mirror, I realized how much I tend to let myself go while I’m sick. I hadn’t even brushed my hair and it was after 4:00 p.m. It’s time like that when I begin to wonder; ‘am I the only grubby person in the world?’ ‘Am I the only one who doesn’t brush their teeth or hair until 4:00 p.m. when they’re sick? Or change out of their pajamas?’ I am really annoyed with my housemates. One or more of them were smoking in the kitchen. I saw Peter with a cigarette and said, “Could you please not smoke in common rooms?” He was on his way to receive the phone call I had just informed him of, and acted like he didn’t understand this English word, ‘common rooms’ and just repeated it as he walked by me to get the phone. In any event, now they are not in the house. I had gone over to the cottage to eat my sandwich b/c the smoky smell in the kitchen was about to make me keel over and then Suzanne came over to the cottage shocked to see me there. I see the lights on in the upstairs room, so I think they are hanging out over there now. They will be in big trouble if they think they can smoke in there, b/c that stuff is no joke at a children’s center. They’ve already been warned about something like that before. Ah well, tis not my problem now and I am quite happy to have the house to myself.
Okay, so I’ve decided that I am going to do the LLB degree. Yeah, it’ll be difficult to transfer to America, but it’s not impossible. Also, $5,000 versus $100,000 is pretty much the deciding factor. After talking to John Marshall Law School’s financial aid department and pretty much finding out all I can get is loans, well that did not make me a happy camper. I’m already close to the brink with my $25,000 in debt from my undergraduate degree. Sometimes I get close to hyperventilating just thinking about it. When I told Jason my brilliant plan just a half hour ago, he asked, “so where are you going to get the £3,000?” Talk about raining on my fricking parade. Anyhow, I have a plan for that, too. Working in New Zealand. Yeah, I know, sounds a bit crazy, but I’ve wanted to do that anyways, and this guy Philip told me about how he actually was able to save money whilst he was working there due to the low cost of living. I can get a one year work permit while I am under 30 years of age. I called and ordered the work permit information and will research it more, of course, but that is the plan I’ve concocted today. I often hate telling people my plans, b/c they change so often as I find out more and then I worry that people perceive me as fickle. I just say that the first idea is just that, an idea, and I build on that, not abandon it. Hmph. So there.
Well, I am going to do a bit of research on working in New Zealand. Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

New! I am trying out a blog site and seeing if it is easier to do my daily journal on there, and keeping this site for photos and other wonderful bits and pieces of my life. So far, I've just done a short review of 2003 and how it affected me. (hey, that rhymes!) Anyhow, check it out, if you like!


This is pasted in from my old geocities site. The blog mentioned above is this one. 

Law School and PMS

November 6, 2003 - 8:58 p.m
I went to the dr. today. I had a breast exam, and all was well. I got some tablets to help with my cramps and some iron pills. I am not feeling well at all today b/c it is cramp day. I was at work this morning, but towards the end of the day I started getting the sweats and feeling faint, so I came over to the house. I slept from 1:00 to 6:00 p.m. 

I called the American Bar Association today to find out about studying law here and taking the bar exam in America. This would be a lot cheaper for me. Anyhow, I was referred and referred and finally found out that, no, at least not in Illinois. I can do it in New York, but then I would have to practice in New York for five years before I could transfer to Illinois. Since I have no desire to live in New York, that’s a big downer for me. Oh well. 

I am very homesick lately. This afternoon, I had a dream that I went home for a surprise visit. I was very happy. The kids that I work with were there as well, though, I think. I am looking for cheap flights to go home for Christmas, so we will see. I don’t feel like I want to leave here for good, I just want to go for a visit.
Well, I’m going to phone John Marshall Law School in Chicago now, b/c, for the second time, my online request for information has encountered an error.
Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

My homepage

As the holiday season approaches (quicker and quicker, it seems) I am quite comfortable with the fact that it is November. I am even comfortable with the fact that it will December in just a few short weeks. What has just hit me, though, is that soon enough, it will be 2004. I swear, it seems like I just started getting used to it being 2003. So, I began to think, what happened this year? What did I achieve, spiritually and otherwise? How was this different from other years?

In January, I moved out of my parents house to the co-op in Chicago. Back to my birthplace. I was working at American Eagle in Orland and transferred to the downtown store, which I thought was so prestigious. I was feverishly applying for other jobs, and worked in a flower shop in Hyde Park for the week of Valentine’s Day. I went on numerous job interviews, but nothing really came to fruition in terms of full time non profit work. The field was incredibly competitive. I did land a part time gig at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. I worked both there and AE for a short while. Then Grandmother died. I found out while I was at work at American Eagle, and that was the last day I ever worked there. They closed a few months later.

New roommate

November 5, 2003 - 9:30 p.m.
Peter and our new roommate, Eva, are talking away in German. Suzanne has slipped away to the port a cabin, and I am painstakingly trying to type this with two bandaged fingers. The one that I cut with a knife at residential over a month ago is still bandaged, and I got the smallest of small paper cuts that is just aching. I know, it is the most piddly thing ever, but it’s just making my typing a bit difficult b/c the fingers involved are the forefingers on each hand. So, Eva arrived tonight as we were all eating dinner. It was about 8:00 and we had just finished work at 7:30. She is German, 20 years old and will be here until March. She reminds me of someone I’ve known, but I can’t yet think of who.
The Quaker reception last night was quite nice. We got very lost on the way there, so were a little late, but made it in the end. Louise, the youth program co-ordinator, also went because she is new staff as well. I thought the people were really nice and the dinner was lovely. They gave us food to take home, too! ;-) had a great time, but when we got in the bus to go home, Peter was wingeing about how he had wanted to go an hour earlier. I swear, there is a side to Peter coming out that really suggests a closed-mindedness that I never knew of before. Today Suzanne said something about one of the past volunteers being gay and Peter replied with disgust, “and he worked with children?” Suzanne made some comment that one would expect to be made and then Peter said that he was only kidding, but I don’t think that was the case, or even if it was, I would never have thought to make that comment even in jest. Peter is not that comically sophisticated, anyways.

Jason did phone me tonight. I swear, my heart aches from missing him.

I slept late this morning b/c I had the most vivid dreams were everyone was so disappointed in me and I owed them everything. I also had two broken legs in casts and was walking around on crutches. So weird.
Right now I’m looking at fares for going home for Christmas. I don’t know if it’s a possibility yet, but we shall see.
Hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to hearing from you. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

Quaker Meeting night

November 4, 2003 - 11:00 p.m.
We’ve just got home from the Quaker Meeting night. We met the members of the Ulster Quaker Service Committee and had a lovely dinner and dessert. It was nice, though we got really lost on the way there (it was at one the members’ house) and Peter, who was driving got really upset on the way home, for reasons that are so boring, I’ll not bother typing them, but I had fun! Today with the kids we took an ‘autumn walk’. This involved going out and picking up leaves then putting them in a bag. We only braved the elements for about 5–7 minutes. Then again, with the amount of leaves on the ground, you don’t have to go very far. We then went into the craft room and glued the leaves onto paper and decorated our masterpieces with glitter and confetti and the like. It was actually quite good fun. It is entirely way past my bedtime, so I best be off. Although, I will mention that I phoned Jason when we arrived home, and he was so distracted I asked if he wanted me to let him go and he said, “yes, if you don’t mind.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever had someone take me up on that. He is intensely studying for his exam on Thursday, and I mean for f*ck’s sake, he’s not my boyfriend anymore, so I just said, “no, not at all.” He said he’d ring me tomorrow, but I said not if you don’t want to. “Oh no, I will.” The great thing about him, is that he actually probably will. Hope all is well with everyone. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

This was pasted in from my old geocities site on 2/12/13

Back to work

November 3, 2003 – 5:06 p.m.
First day back to work. Last night I dreamt that it was first day back to school and I went literally kicking and screaming. Well, actually, I was mostly rolling around on the sidewalk b/c I SOOO did not want to go back. Anyhow, I had counseling today after work. Peter was nice enough to take me there, but he was oh not so happy about picking me up. No siree bob. Oh well, I’m home safe, and I told him I’d do him a favor (like dishes or something), so nothing more to be done. Oh, I also called Jay first thing this morning and asked him who Helen was. He was like, “uh, what?” But I calmly repeated the question as if it were completely normal and then said that I had a dream he was married to someone named Helen. He didn’t know anyone by that name. Hey, I was half asleep, and I swore it was going to bug me the rest of the day if I didn’t ask him that morning. Well, I pretty much forgot about it after I woke up completely, but oh well. I miss Jay. I mean, we are really good friends and all, and I am thankful for that, but I miss having him as a boyfriend. Like tonight, for example, I would love to just be curled up on the couch with someone having a cuddle, making me feel safe, forgetting about my fears and insecurities and the petty problems of the day and just feeling totally comfortable with each other. Tomorrow night, me, the volunteers and Louise, the newest member of paid staff, are going to a Quaker dinner function. It’s like “meet the new people” night. I’ll let you know how it goes. On Wednesday, we are getting a new volunteer. Her name is Eva and she is from Germany. She is replacing Suzanne, who will be leaving the first week of January. As ever, I’ll let you know how it all goes ;-) Hope all is well. Lots of love, Sabrina ;-)

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13

Last day of vacation

November 2, 2003 – 6:20 p.m.
Ah, the last day of vacation. I must say, it’s been very nice getting to sleep WHENEVER I want for as LONG as I want. Ahhh, yes, bliss. It has been a relaxing week, indeed. I don’t regret not going anywhere, I am a bit of a hermit sometimes and I do really enjoy sleeping, in case you didn’t already get that. I am a bit nervous about going back to work tomorrow. It’s kind of like the first day of school. I do miss the kids, though, so it will be nice to see them again. I know yesterday’s entry seemed a bit down, and I was a bit down, but after talking to Jason and my Mom, I felt a lot better. I’m starting to look more into law school and maybe start the ball rolling on that. I’ll keep you posted!

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13

Day in the life/Emotional

November 1, 2003 – 9:33 p.m.

I am going to try something new and put multiple journal entries on one page. I have a load of files in this account, and making a new page for each day is getting out of hand.

I now know why I am always broke – taxi cabs. Slowly, but surely they pull at my meager income. Damn this mountain.

It’s raining here in Northern Ireland, but then again, it’s always raining here in Northern Ireland.

I am a bit emotional right now…To put things in fair context, I am a bit sickly and randomly fell over twice today. Once was a bit nasty, as I fell on rocks while getting into the van, and then I nearly fell completely forward while getting out of the van, but luckily Peter was there. We just went to the grocery store where I bought some cough medicine. Also, a quick glance at the calendar suggests that PMS may be playing a small part, but still, I do feel quite emotional.

For example, Peter and Suzanne (my housemates) were in the living room watching a movie. Out of respect, I did not come in here to use the computer while the movie was on. I waited a full two and a half hours for the stupid movie to end and came into the living room only to find Suzanne already on the computer. I feel like a savage scrambling to get to everything before someone else does. I hate living like this, I really do. Anyhow, when I saw this, I calmly asked if she could please let me know when she was finished with the computer, but then, when I got to my bedroom, I was about to cry. I think I did even shed a tear. Ugh, I even hate typing this stuff, as it makes me feel petty. But then again, I did say I was emotional…

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13. Geocities closed a few years back, but this has been archived by another site http://www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Nov12003.html

Happy Halloween

Hello everyone. Hope you’re having a great Halloween. The fireworks are in full effect here in Belfast. I’ve got a lovely view of them all here from our mountain. Suzanne got back from Holiday late last night and Peter is expected back tomorrow. I woke up about 11:00, cleaned the kitchen, then took a nap until about 2:30. I hurried up and phoned and taxi and got ready while I waited for it. I was meant to catch a train at 3:30. I went down to a small town called Lurgan to meet a friend called Gavin. He is from Lurgan, but currently lives in London. He was in town for a few days to visit his family. We had a good time and he got drunk off two pints (sorry, mate) and I took the express train back to Belfast. We ran into one of Gavin’s nephews randomly on the street, and he came to the pub with us, which was good fun. Oh and after the pub, the nephew left and Gavin and I had some absolutely gorgeous chips! Yummy. (For my American friends, chips means fries, and they are a way of life here.)

I came back to Belfast via Botanic station, which is in Jay’s neighborhood, so I rang him up and paid him a visit. He was getting ready to go out for another ‘lad’s night out’. I told him every night out is a lad’s night out! Anyhow, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Jason and I are friends. I was mad for a few days and made a cathartic web page (see October 28th) and then I was over it. I’m glad that we’re friends and I hope we stay so for a really long time.

After Jay’s it was back to my house and I watched a bit of the fireworks, had a soup and sandwich and here I am. My throat is killing me, though, and I’m finding it difficult to swallow properly (no comments from the peanut gallery, please.) I was thinking about how often I winge and moan on here, but then again, this is a journal thing. Gavin was intrigued by my whole site and the premise of an online journal, and it started out as pragmatic, but it’s turned to something else. Making the page about me and Jay breaking up was the best therapy I could’ve had. Putting the England section on there felt great, and I kept going on and looking at it. It’s like my personal scrapbook. I want to add more and more and then I can clearly look at what I’ve done, what I’ve felt and what I thought when I was going through it all.

That’s more than I ever expected to get from doing a silly web site!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Lots of love, Sabrina
(the teenage witch mwuahahaha) :-)

Cathartic

Ah, it's amazing how cathartic making yesterday's page was for me.  I feel all better now!  The photo above is from this summer when I volunteered in England.  The staff spent many nights hanging out on the beach. 

Last night, I met a new friend named Philip. (Not to be confused with the old friend named Philip.)  It was nice to have company since I'm here in the house all by my lonesome. 

Today I felt all better mentally, but am physically sick.  Ah, the twists and turns of life.  The cold I mentioned yesterday has come to fruition, and I have been nursing it with coffee.  Hey, it works for me, okay? Orange juice made me cough more. 

I've managed to do a good portion of my laundry today.  Yay me!  I still have a load sitting over in the cottage in the dryer, but umm, it'll still be dry later, right? :-)

My aunt and cousins are at my parents' house visiting.  I phoned earlier to speak to them, and I wanted to be there so badly.  I told Mom to just put me on speakerphone and then I could hang out with them! ;-)

Well, my stomach is grumbling, and as much as I've tried to ignore it, I know I can no longer wait to get off my bootay and make me some pasta.

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)
 
This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13, which is archived here www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Oct292003.html

Jason rant

I am not dealing with this very well, I think. I can’t sleep, yet I can’t get up off my bootay to do anything productive. I had dreams about John Edwards (Crossing Over) last night (by last night, I mean between 5 and 8 am) and a cursed tray and a floating head and arms. I have way too much free time on my hands right now to go through a break up. I am on holiday and so that means I have absolutely nothing to do. I can’t find a decent radio station for anything, and I am genuinely perplexed as to why washing machines take two hours over here and only thirty five minutes in America. I am irritable….at everything. If I eat another Bourbon Cream, I think I’ll be sick. I feel pathetic. I called Jay before he left for work this morning. I’ve never called Jay in the morning, but now that we broke up, I feel that I must speak to him as soon as he wakes up? When did I become some needy puppy dog?




I’m losing my voice and getting some kind of cold I think. This may have contributed to the fact that I woke up with drool all over my face and literally felt like a puppy dog. This didn’t help the pathetic factor, either. My housemates are away on holiday and I am here, typing, on the computer, about how pathetic I feel.

Damn you, Jay! I offered you a no strings attached relationship with no commitment and it was YOU who insisted on being “together”. To see only each other, to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I was dubious, but went along with it. As I really started to like you, I told you, and I said, “Jason, you better be sure about this, b/c my emotions are getting involved now.” You were sure, you assured me. I talked about how I hoped that you could patient with me until I got the courage to allow myself to open up, to care, to be cared for. You said it would just take time. I asked if you would still be there when I sorted it out. You said “yes”.

Never once did you happen to mention that you yourself won’t open up at all to anyone. You failed to mention that you knew this relationship was going nowhere b/c you had made that decision upon its creation (which, I may reiterate, was YOUR IDEA!) You didn’t hint at the fact that you’ve already decided you will never love again b/c it hurt too much. No, you let me think it was ME with all the issues. I cared for you more and more, but you, your feelings never got any deeper than they were when we first met. And you wonder why I was afraid to open MYSELF up. I couldn’t have been more clear about what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. You repeatedly assured me, that yes, everything was fine, you were being straightforward, etc., etc. I believed you. Silly, silly me.

And then, after I remind you of all this, all you can say is, “I guess I wasn’t really listening to what you were saying”. HUH?!

I really, really hate what you did to me, Jason. It’s not as if I just got the wrong idea. It’s not as if I backed you into a corner. I offered you what you (I now assume) wanted and no, you said you liked me, you wanted to be with me, only me. End of story. I warned you that I was starting to care, you told me it was alright. Then, out of a post coital comment, I find out that you never had any intention of really caring? And then YOU accuse ME of taking things too seriously. My God, no wonder I’m bitter.

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13. Geocities closed, but it is archived here http://www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Oct282003.html

Aftermath

I feel pretty miserable today. Last night I felt okay, mostly because of the shock of it all and I focused on the fact that I was brave enough to let go and that there was nothing I could do to change his feelings. Nothing to be done, so why be sad? Well, today I feel like crap.

This is better, though, than how I dealt with Jonathan. In order to avoid this feeling, I played along like everything was fine, and three years later, he still didn’t love me, and I was hurt even more. Yes, this is better, but it still sucks.

Jay and I broke up

I can't sleep.  I keep waking up thinking, "oh yeah, it's real."  Followed quickly  by, "but there's nothing to be done about it."  The sheet is off of my bed, so I must have tossed and turned quite a bit.  Yes, Jason and I broke up.  To make a verbose story less so, essentially he could never, ever love me and he only liked me to a certain extent. I believe all people are beautiful and I can look into their eyes, see their vulnerabilities, strengths and hopes for the future.  This time, though, I am not going to let this gift harm my heart.  "Watching you walk out my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, makes me realize that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."   This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13. Geocities closed awhile back, but page is archived here http://www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Oct262003.html

Jason Weightlifting

Jay weightlifting (this was at another competition)

Today I went to watch Jason compete in a weightlifting competition at Jordanstown University.  I took a cab to the train station b/c my housemates weren't going out to the city until later and I wanted to be sure I caught the earlier train so I would be there in time to watch Jay lift.  So, I called and ordered a taxi an hour before I needed it and told them what time my train was, and we worked out a time for them to get here. 

The taxi showed up fifteen minutes late.  I phoned at the ten minute mark and they said it was on its way.  He shows up and then hits a dip in the mountain, curses, stops and gets out to look at his car; then goes the long way off the mountain and poof...I miss my train.  I was so upset, b/c I felt horrible that I might miss Jay lift. He had phoned earlier in the day to make sure I knew which train I needed and all that.  Anyhow, I waited an hour for the next train and I made it alright in the end.  I saw Jay lift, and he did really well.  Way to go, Jay! :-)

I just finished eating Chicago Style Pizza.  Yummy.  If you remember, I wrote in one of my first entries that I had bought Chicago Style Pizza for a laugh, but now I bought it b/c it's the only good pizza I've had since I've been here! 

Tomorrow I am going to the Ulster Orchestra with some children from the Family Centre.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

Holiday

HAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPYYYYY DAY! We are on holiday now. A week off for Halloween. Yes, Halloween is a big Holiday here in Northern Ireland, which is in contrast to their English counterparts.

We made our weekly trek to Tesco. No better way to spend a Friday evening ;-)

I can't think right now, I'm too excited about holiday. Yippee!

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

Lovely Licorice! My family's new pup

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/12/13. Geocities closed, but the page is archived here.http://www.geocities.ws/sabrinigreen/Oct242003.html

Horoscope

Cancer
You're usually content to stay within the comfortable confines of your own home, but right now, a roommate or family member is challenging your right to spending some peaceful time alone. Instead of getting angry at them, why not try to explain how you feel and hope they get the message? If they just don't seem to get it, you might have to go to your room and close the door in order to get any kind of peace and quiet. Make sure you grab what you need from the kitchen so you don't have to cross paths with them again later if you get hungry.
- By Astrology.com

Could my horoscope be any closer to the truth?


Here's a story about Sabrina A that's not about me.

Pasted in from old geocities blog on 2/28/13 - archived here.

Confidence

I felt very confident about my skills as a youth worker today.  I was praised by my co-workers and the children and young people showed respect for me.  I learned that one of the children specifically mentioned me when talking about our group to her older siblings.  That felt nice. 

After the session was over and my co-workers said, "Hey, that was great what you had going on over there", I was a little taken aback, b/c I didn't even think of it and it all seemed so natural to me.  That was indeed a great feeling, though, and it helped boost my confidence and made me think maybe I can do this.

Random site of the day 


Pasted in from old geocities blog on 2/28/13 - archived here.

October 21, 2003

Terrific Tuesday.

Random site of the day

This was pasted in from my old geocities blog on 2/28/13, which is archived here. Back then, I made a page for every day, so I made pages ahead of time and sometimes never got around to blogging that day.

October 20,2003

Just another manic Monday...

Random site of the day 

This was pasted in from my old geocities page on 2/28/13, which is archived here. Back then, I made a new page for each day's blog and would often make the pages up ahead of time. Sometimes, I didn't get around to blogging that day, which is what happened here.

Hanging with Jay

I spent all day at Jay's house.  It was nice to be off the mountain, and since he is centrally located, I could walk to shops and stuff while he was working on his Master's work.  It was nice.  I finally got to go to a charity shop - the Cancer Research shop.  Funny, that is the place I worked for in London the first time I went.  Anyhow, the charity shops are really small here, so the prices are a bit high, so I just got some wee toys to put on the bus for the kids.  I also found a Halloween color-in for the wee ones, but I needed a photocopier to make copies, but of course, there is not a photocopier to be found in Belfast on a Sunday.  In the end, I took some booklets from a video store called Xtravision, b/c they had a coloring contest thing in them.  :-)

Now I am cooking some french fries and I'm going to make a veggie burger.  Jay and his housemates ordered pizza, but Jay failed to mention to them that I don't eat meat, so there was none for me :-(

Somehow, slowly, but surely, I have managed to spend a lot of money this weekend.  All I really wanted to spend money on was my photos that I wanted to pick up from the pharmacy, but the two times I've gone, they've been closed :-( Doh! Now I probably can't even afford to pick them up!

Just have to make it through this week, then I'm on holiday for a week, yippee!  I am going to Enniskillen, which is an area with lakes and it's supposed to be really pretty and all, so that should be nice.  This week at work, we'll be doing the Halloween celebrations with the after school kids, so if you have any cool Halloween activity ideas, please let me know!

Well, I think my fries are done, so I'll be off. 

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

Random site of the day 
My housemate Peter's web page 
Northern Ireland Tourist Board 
A paper about Quaker Cottage 
Some photos of the cottage 

This was pasted in from my old geocities blog on 2/28/13, which is archived here.

Happy Sweetest Day!

Happy Sweetest Day! :-)

Ah, the joy of Saturday. I woke up at 8:30 am, just b/c my body clock is used to that, so I had breakfast, chatted to my housemates and then back to sleep I went. My housemates went to climb one of the mountains in the Mournes today. You'll note that I took a pass on that one. I did ask Peter if you could swing by the pharmacy so I could pick up my photos, but alas, there was not enough time, b/c they were taking a bus that left at 9:40. Ah well, maybe I'll take a cab later on today.

I spoke to Jason at 2:00 a.m. this morning. He went out with his flatmate and had said that he might come over to visit afterwards, so I was up waiting for him. Well, actually, I fell asleep about 11:00 pm and then woke up at 2:00 am to wait for him. He didn't come over in the end, and I don't even know if he made it home safe last night. I haven't talked to him yet today.

My dreams last night were so bizarre. I keep having dreams of Grandmother, where she's alive, again, after she had been dead. (For those that don't know, my Grandmother passed away in March of this year). I also dreamt that I traveled back in time and saw my Mom and Dad when they were kids, and my Grandmother when she was younger and I was there with them, just watching their actions very closely. Grandmother was taking care of my great-grandmother (whom I never met), who was actually not here mother, but her husband's (my Granddaddy) mother. It was all so real.

This time next week I should be in Enniskillen, which is a town in Northern Ireland. We are on holiday next week. Yippee! Oh darn, I just remembered that Jay's competition is on Saturday...think I'll have to change my hostel reservation. I'm just taking a bus there, so I'll buy a ticket that day.

I really need to take a shower, so I best be off. Hope all is well with everyone and you have a great Sweetest Day!

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

Belfast Photos


This was pasted in from my old geocities blog on 2/28/13, which is archived here.

TGIF

Friday, yippee!

We are all so glad it's Friday, it's unbelievable. We're getting along good today, b/c we share in the joy of the weekend. We made a house trip to Tesco to get our groceries, which is a Friday ritual, b/c that's when we get our money. We dropped Suzanne off at the bottom on the Shankill Road so she could mosey about and then Peter and I were going to pick up my photos from this summer when I volunteered in England, but the place closed at 6:00, so I was s.o.l. Ah well, it's been 4 months, what's another day or so?

I worked a bit on this website and added a new photo page! Yippee! There is a link to it on the home page, but in case you missed it, I've put one over to the left here.

Tomorrow is Sweetest Day. I'm sad to say, that they have never heard of this holiday here in Northern Ireland. I guess Hallmark has yet to penetrate this market!

Hopefully, I'll be able to see Jay tomorrow, but who knows with the amount of work he has on. I am going to see him in a weightlifting competition next week. I get so nervous with those sorts of things, though, b/c I care so much about how they do. Like it was a good while before I ever saw Brian perform stand-up, and when I finally did, I was so nervous that I felt like taking a Xanax!

Hope all is well with you.

Lots of love,
Sabrina

XO

Photo page

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities blog, which is archived here.

Cubs & Babies

Hello all. I just had some country vegetable soup and I was reminded of my old British friend, Phil. He had went grocery shopping with me when I first moved into my house in London, and he made this soup for me, b/c I couldn't even figure out how to light the stove! It was my first meal in my new home. Funny how things trigger your memories.

So, I don't find out about the Cubs until yesterday and then find out today that they lost! You're breaking my heart here, people. Keep a girl informed, would ya? I tell you, though, I really do feel sorry for that guy who got that ball in the previous game. I really believe he didn't see that the player was trying to catch it. Poor guy.

Today was a fine day. I had three wee babies this morning, all three months (they were all born in July, and no, they're not triplets) and wouldn't you know it - they all three started crying at the same time. I managed to hold two at once and rock one in her little car seat thingie, so it all worked out in the end. In the afternoon, with the 8-10 year olds, we made loads of Halloween decorations, in preparation for our celebrations next week. We're doing the Halloween stuff next week since the Centre is closed the week of Halloween and we're all on vacation.

Talked to Jay briefly. Oh, you can see a photo of me and him on yesterday's page. Poor guy has so much going on and my schedule isn't exactly flexible either, so we might get to see each other at the weekend, but we'll see...

I better go. Ta ta.

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities blog, which is archived here.

Happy Birthday, Brian!

Happy Birthday, Brian!

Today we didn’t get out of work until 8:00 p.m. Considering that we start at 9:00 a.m, that’s one heck of a long day, wouldn’t you think? Yes, but it’s a labor of love…no, really. It’s been a bit more work this week, because we’ve started a new group of families, so a lot of our groups have doubled in size, and we’ve been learning people’s names, their likes and dislikes, and trying our darndest to entertain them, or at least engage them in interesting tasks. This week has been mainly Halloween decorations, which has really been loads of fun. My personal favorite are the paper chains because they are so easy to make and really easily make a room look decorated. The kids get such a kick out of how long their chain gets. Next week will be Halloween parties, so that should be even more fun!

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

Me & Jay

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities blog, which is archived here.

Chewing Gum & Skeletons

Well, today I had the great pleasure of sitting on chewing gum. Yes, if you’ve experienced this pleasure, you know what I’m talking about. Nothing like getting a big load of gum on your nice clean jeans. And when your jeans take three days to dry by hanging on the rack, that’s just an extra kick in the butt! Ah well, it’s just part of the joy of working with kids. In their defense, though, I should say that the gum was on the floor, not on a chair or anything, but still, gum should go in the bin, am I right? Sure, I am.

So, with the wee ones we made some skeletons. The problem with making skeletons with wee ones is that at least one of you should know where the bones go. Secondly, we had to make the connecting holes for them and put in the wee fasteners, because it was all too much for their little hands. One girl was complaining that her hands hurt from just cutting out all the bones.

Tonight I was supposed to go to my counselling course at the local university, but I didn’t go. For one, we didn’t get out of work until about quarter to seven (the course starts at seven). Secondly, I couldn’t get a ride; Peter wouldn’t give me one and I can’t afford another taxi cab this week. Third, I have developed the beginnings of a “changing of the seasons” cold and all I really wanted to do was go to sleep, which is exactly what I did, at about half seven (7:30). I couldn’t even be bothered to make myself dinner. However, when the phone woke me up at what seemed like the middle of the night (11:00 p.m.) my stomach was growling, so I had a bowl of Cocoa Rice cereal. I was not happy with the cereal. I expected it to be like Cocoa Krispies or whatever it’s called, but it was not. I mean, sure it is a knock off brand, from Lidl, which is just like Aldi, but still, I was unpleasantly surprised with what was going on in my mouth. I forged ahead, though, determined to make the rumbling in my stomach cease, and finished off at least half of the bowl, like the trooper I am :-)

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities blog, which is archived here.

Cramps, alarm & new group

Well, I was pretty useless most of the day and lay in my bed, on the floor, the couch, or wherever was handy, moaning in pain. Yes, my friends, today was cramp day, and that means I was not in full working order. I was mostly lying about in the fetal position whimpering like a small child. I did manage to make it over to work for most of the day (the bit that involves actually working with the kids, not the clean up or set up or any of that business). We had a new group starting today and I really wanted to meet them all and get to know them.

Also, the burglar alarm went off again this morning, so I phoned up the company and they said, “we’ll send someone right out.” I was like, no, please don’t, b/c firstly, I want to sleep, and secondly, we’ve got new folks coming in and I’m sure we want to not have any work going on while they’re here. “Oh, but he’s in your neighborhood, and he’ll be in and out, no noise or anything, plus it’s included in your contract.” Well, what can I say, the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer. So alarm guy comes over, despite the alarm having turned off on its own. What is the first thing alarm guy does? Yes, that’s right, sets the alarm off. Oh, sure, that’s no noise at all. My chances of sleep or shower (b/c there was a strange man in my house) are completely shot by this time, so I just go over to work.

The new children were just absolutely lovely. This is like our (the volunteers’) special group b/c we’re meeting them on day one, and we’ll be here for their full year. It’ll be so interesting watching their progress. Just in the month and a half I’ve been here, I’ve seen the kids develop so much, imagine what we’ll witness within a year’s time!

Then it was back to the couch, floor, or bed and wingeing and moaning.

Oh, but then I went to the doctor. I got some more Paxil. Yippee yi yay. Oh happy days. They don’t call it Paxil here, they go by the generic name, but it’s the same thing. That appointment meant I had to miss counseling this week, but I phoned her up and I’ll just see her next Monday. This doctor thing absolutely had to get taken care of. I swear, for awhile there, I thought I was going to have to fly back to America to get my bloody medicine. But all is well, now.

Hope all is well with you.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities blog, which is archived here.

Driving Lesson & Shopping

I had my second driving lesson in the bus. This time, though, I drove Wee Bessie, which is not as wide as Sunny Boo, the bus I drove yesterday. It’s easier for me to handle in that way, then, but the clutch is a bit funny, and my driving instructor said (based on his driving it) that he thinks there may be something wrong with it. That’s all fine with me, b/c I’d rather contend with that clutch that the wideness of big old Sunny Boo.

Anyhow, we drove all over the place, and I was really feeling good about it. I told him about how I always had a small car at home and if people there could see me driving this big old stick shift bus on the other side of the road, they wouldn’t believe their eyes! Hill starts are definitely my weak point, but I just have to practice at it. I’m quite content with my progress. First I learned how to drive a stick, in the car I was comfortable in. I also learned how to drive on the other side of the road. Now I’m learning how to drive a bus that is a stick. I feel like it’s just lots of bits to learn that just get put together bit by bit.

As soon as I got home from the driving lesson, me and the roomies hopped back onto Wee Bessie (Suzanne insisted on the front seat, which was a bit weird) and went to pick up Peter’s German friends and all go to Tesco. Yippee. I spent a whopping £16 on groceries, which is the most I’ve spent since I’ve been here, but £5 was on a special shampoo and I bought like body wash and whatever.

Hope all is well.

Lots of love,
Sabrina :-)


Give us some of yer banter!

On 2/28/13, this was pasted in from my old geocities page, which is archived here.